Hasheem Thabeet: Desperately in Need of an Appropriate Nickname

The Big East Tournament is upon us and I can’t help but be consumed with joy that Syracuse is already eliminated. Even though I’m ecstatic about the Big East Tourney, I’ve been plagued by the fact that UConn center Hasseem Thabeet doesn’t yet have an appropriate nickname. His current nickname is “Dopey,” but that lack of creativity, when the potential for awesomeness is exponential, especially anything relating to the seven dwarfs, just won’t cut it. Thabeet hails from the East African nation of Tanzania (or as the locals call it, T-Zed which is extremely British ghetto-fabulous) and desperately needs a nickname pertaining to his native land. Unfortunately, the Tanzanian Tree is really no longer applicable because the Storrs star has developed from a malleable “arborial” figure into a menace in the paint. Here’s what I’ve come up with thus far: the Dar-es-Salaam Destroyer, the Mzungu Monger (‘mzungu’ means ‘whitey’ in Kiswahili, so this implies that he eats Crackers for breakfast), and the Serengeti Swatter (for his propensity for blocking shots). I don’t know what ethnicity Thabeet is (and don’t say ‘black,’ r-tard), so he could choose from one of these, depending on to which of the following tribal groups he belongs: The Crazy Nyamwezi; The Masai Marauder; The Luo N’Ranger; The Nyakyusa Big-Game Produca’. If anyone else has an idea, do let me know. This needs to be resolved before the real tourney. And if anyone can get a hold of Gus Johnson’s email, he should be privy to this information. Tangent: if Facebook is running the CBS bracket this year, does this mean Gus Johnson is on Facebook? If so, I’m requesting his friendship immediately.