The TIME 100: Unadulterated Crap

-Really, I have no idea why I read this every year. It’s pure shit. Half of their choices are unjustifiable, period (though they try their damnedest to convince their readers otherwise) and most of the rest are questionable at best.

-For each bio, they ask someone famous/a luminary in a related field to write something about them, and at the bottom of each page, TIME gives a one sentence explanation of who the author is. I have no problems with this if the topic is astrophysics or microeconomic theory where the majority of the populace has no effing clue who said person is. But informing me that “Bill Clinton is a former United States President” is utterly superfluous (”Ohh, THAT Bill Clinton!”)

-Also, the writer sentence bio is incredibly dull (like the previous one) or his wife Hillary Clinton is a US Senator running for President. Couldn’t we have a little more fun with these, guys? Like, Bill Clinton was America’s first African-American President or Hillary, Hilldawg to those close to her, enjoys a good pants suit. Or Archbishop Desmond Tutu is an avid keno player. Or, maybe, Michelle Obama’s favorite cooking spray is Pam. At least make it something we don’t know about the person (Most of these are unconfirmed).

-The process they use for selecting the authors must be highly flawed because there is no reason that Kasey freaking Keller should be writing the bio for Kaka. Ten dollars says that Kaka doesn’t know who the hell Kasey Keller is, and he definitely couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. And for George W., did they REALLY pick Silvio Berlusconi? Don’t get me wrong, I thought this was the highlight of the whole experience, but is this Georgey’s only remaining friend? Couldn’t get someone who isn’t blatantly corrupt? Or was this juxtaposition intended to make Georgey look better (introducing the only politician worse than you, Prime Minister Berlusconi!) And Cate Blanchett for Kevin Rudd (Australia’s new PM)? I get it, they’re both Australian, but that’s like asking me to write a piece on Reggie Jackson. And Jesus, what an atrocious, self-indulgent piece. I’ll save you two minutes, it goes something like this: Finally, a like-minded, condescending liberal is in power in the ACT, death to the evil conservative John Howard, Aboriginals are people too, see my next movie (note: for simplicity’s sake, American political definitions). She completely neglected the most fascinating and important aspect of Kevin Rudd’s persona: he’s the first Western leader fluent in Chinese. This is a landmark development, and by all accounts, a sign of a shift in foreign policy for Australia as they look to make China perhaps their closest non-Commonwealth ally. But, hey, whatever, that’s not important or anything.

-God, and the people they picked…I swear for half of them they just asked Google who the 50 most searched people are. Kaka, really? You didn’t pick George Weah a few years back when he was singlehandedly funding the Liberian national team so they could compete in international tournaments and then ran for president in his war-torn country, but picking Kaka is ok? Kaka’s a gifted footballer and devoted Christian, but does that really merit a TIME 100 place? (Granted if it were me, I’d make a case for like 18 footballers, but that’s beside the point)

-I swear the only criteria for being selected was level of involvement in Darfur. If you were a celebrity and embraced other causes like human rights in China, or democracy in Central Asia, you are a person not worthy of recognition. But if you went for a 48 hour photo shoot to “raise awareness” in Darfur, you’re worthy of the TIME 100! I’m too lazy to count, but “Darfur activism” was used as a principal justification for no less than 20 people on the list.

-Warren Buffet became the wealthiest man in the world this year. This was not enough to make the list, however.

-However, some Iraqi woman made it for opening a sewing factory and employing women for meager pay. Wait, didn’t Kathy Lee Gifford get in trouble for almost the same thing?

-Inclusions I approved of: Miley Cyrus, Vladimir Putin, the emir of Dubai, the Saudi oil minister, Aung San Su Kyi (still hot), the assassin who took out Benazir Bhutto, and George Clooney (come on, he’s handsome. Like bigtime).

-I can’t believe they picked all three Presidential candidates, what a cop out. It would’ve been a lot more amusing if they’d conspicuously left one of them out (you know who) and invited her to do like four of the blurbs just to rub it in. Ok, this is why I’m not in charge.

-It should be 101 because they counted Brangelina as 1 person. What an effing copout, what is this, the National Enquirer? Or does TIME really think they’re one person? It does get confusing at times. Also, I’m sure TIME is thrilled with the timing of this release (the New Yorker claims that a video of Angelina snorting heroine will be released shortly, and anyone remotely familiar with the “Girl, Int.” slash Billy Bob phase is not shocked in the least).

-Ultimate Cop-out choice: The Dalai Lama. Freaking Tibet. Just can’t escape it.

-People I’m glad that didn’t make it: Sarah Jessica Parker (butterace), Reina ‘Tina Kirchner, Tals Vatman (oh, snap!), Steven Gerrard, Jimmy Fallon, that rich Mexican dude, Thabo Mbeki, Rob Reinhart (who did write one of the stories, and its really funny if you read it while thinking about him in that episode of South Park), and baseball.

-People who should have made it: Gillian Chung, the creator of Gossip Girl, the entire cast of Gossip Girl, the people who write the Gossip Girl blog for the New Yorker, Nate (he was just a little early to the Darfur party, otherwise he would’ve been a shoo-in in light of this year’s credentials), Zhong Han, Chew Choon Song (CEO of Singapore Airlines), the plastic surgeon who did the operation on the Filipino transsexual who prowls this street (really, he did a wonderful job…I’m TOTALLY kidding by the by) and Kele Oreleke (lead singer of Bloc Party).

Your thoughts?