Silly Taiwanese, Tricks Are for Kids!

-One of Taipei’s nicest hotels is called “One Star.” If I were spending millions of dollars to on an upscale hotel, I would not give it a name that implies “the epitome of shoddiness,” and “on par with a Kowloon hostel. Beware of rats and transients.”

-There’s a Cold Stone right outside Taipei Main Station! The odds of my father visiting just doubled.

-Inside Taipei’s Main Station, there’s a breast feeding room. It remains to be seen if this will effect the odds of my father visiting.

-People here can’t believe I don’t support either Manchester United or Chelsea. FOUR TIMES, I’ve had people ask me whether I supported Manchester United or Chelsea, and each time when I replied “neither,” they looked at me dumbfounded. They couldn’t comprehend how someone couldn’t support one of these two clubs. One of them was from Singapore, so I asked why he supported the team. He replied “because of the history.” Translation: they win a lot. This is why people hate Manchester United. 80% of their fanbase hails from the Far East and couldn’t point to Manchester on a map.

-Trucker hats apparently never went out in Taiwan. Apparently, for Taiwan’s female clubbing elite, these hats are considered requisite apparel. Also, it appears as if the more absurd the saying on one’s hat, the cooler one’s hat is. For example, thus far I’ve seen the following: 1) “Todo el futbol.” That doesn’t even make sense in Spanish. Todo es futbol maybe. But I also find it hard to believe this young lady of maybe 95 pounds knew anything about footie. Whore. 2) “I LOVE SUNDAY.” Nobody loves Sunday. Not even pastors. Sunday is bearable in the fall during the hours when (insert favorite NFL team) is playing/the Eucharist. When I think of Sunday, I think of headaches and homework. I do not heart Sunday. 3) “Around the Azteca.” Now, the only Azteca with which I’m familiar is Mexico’s national stadium. Is this hat referring to the shantytowns that make up most of the Districto Federale? Or are there delicious food stalls surrounding the stadium like at the Stade Gerland that are so tasty that a hat was made to commemorate the awesomeness? Or does this hat just have a few arbitrary words on it? 4) “MM Like Black.” I’m not sure who MM is. Perhaps these were the girls initials? Would this imply that she liked the color black in terms of clothing, or that she prefers to ski black diamonds? Or, well, lets just say daddy wouldn’t like my last hypothesis. And it’s probably the closest to the truth. 5) “Suicidal Tendencies” And I’m quite confident this 18 year old Jay Chou lover was not referring to the band. And for someone contemplating killing herself, she sure did smile a lot. 6) “CHE!” Finally, the ubiquitous Che T-shirt has become a trucker hat! I mean, he was already rolling around in his shallow grave in the Bolivian highlands when it became apparent that some evil corporation was making millions of capitalist pesos on his image. And, now, they’ve ventured into trucker hats: the ultimate anti-Communist piece of attire.

-So I’ve now been in China/Chinese-speaking entities for roughly three weeks. How many times now do you think I’ve consumed Chinese food? Guess?! Three! I’ve decided the best way to describe my Asian adventures through the lens of my gastronomic habits would be “a tour of all the American restaurants that I don’t actually go to in America.” In America, chain restaurants I visit frequently are Chipotle (duh), Chick-Fil-A (except on Sundays; once again, who loves Sundays?!), Quizno’s, Mellow Mushroom (duuuude), Brio, the OG, and Fromagecake factory in addition to my hole-in-the-wall Latino/Italian places. Here, on the other hand, I’m a regular at Subway, Chili’s (the new golfcourse) and Macaroni Grill. I can’t remember the last time I went to Macaroni Grill negli Stati Uniti (because I figure if I’m going to shell out that much cash, I might as well get authentic Italian cuisine. Though, I must say, their caprese is pretty divine). I even occasionally hit McDo and KFC here, something I would NEVER do in the States. I’ll be honest though, the latter two are just an excuse to get barbecue sauce to my mouth.