Robert Mugabe and Hillary ‘Hilldawg’ Clinton: Mere Pariahs, or Star-Crossed Lovers?

A cursory examination of the relationship between Zimbabwe’s long-serving president and America’s self-serving presidential candidate would reveal few similarities. However, more in-depth probing yields startling results and indicates that the two may, in fact, be destined for one another.

-Candid pictures invariably reveal that both are batshit insane

-Robert Mugabe has been ordained by the British Crown as a Knight Commander of the Order of the Bath (nice one, Helen Mirren) and that, coincidentally, is Hilldawg’s number three fetish behind creamy peanut butter and crunchy peanut butter.

-Both do a masterful job of blaming white male predecessors for their problems, when in reality, their current respective situations are hardly the fault of the previously empowered white WASPS (Robert, Ian Smith did not make you kick white plantation owners off of their land; and Hilldawg, George W. did not introduce you to fried double-stuffed oreos)

-Neither have had sex with Bill Clinton this millennium (though, in a recent visit to Zimbabwe through the Clinton foundation, Bill’s location was undisclosed for roughly 36 hours and Mugabe requested an inordinate amount of strawberries and champagne, indicating that the previous claim may be fallacious, however any liaisons between the two remain entirely conjectural).

-Robert Mugabe accused the previous president of Zimbabwe of sodomy (a crime in the country often referred to as the Great Roadblock Preventing Tossing It In The Two), and, really, it’s only a matter of time before Hilldawg resorts to such tawdry tactics to discredit her opponents…oh, wait, she already tried that!

-Democratically speaking, neither should be in power next year, but both probably will.

-Both have an aversion to the Lion King [Robert, because a man named Simba tried to usurp power from him (by "running against him" on a "different ticket;" how dare he!), and Hilldawg because her husband surely two-holed a 'dancer' named Nala]

-Both refer to Thabo Mbeki exclusively as “McDreamy”

-Both are planned to feature prominently in Time’s follow up of their “100″ issue: 100 people we’d be better off without along with Jose Mourinho, Colie from the Real World: Denver, and Yassir Arafat (too soon?).

-Both pull off the pants suit impeccably, allowing them to effectively disguise their droopy figures (I’m looking at you, Robert)

-Neither have any qualms deceiving the voters of their respective countries if it means attaining/maintaining power (oh, wow, you weren’t ready for a non-funny one, were you?!)

CLEARLY, these two are meant for one another. Hopefully, they will realize their mutual destiny before its too late (and, someone, makes them, you know, like, play by the rules and stuff, and do the whole ‘democracy’ thing). Here’s to the fast-approaching demise to these two loathsome figures (and me blatantly seizing my last opportunity to call Hilldawg fat before she bows out/goes broke).

Robert Mugabe Can’t Even Win a Rigged Election

The people of Zimbabwe went to the polls on Saturday. Despite long-serving despot Robert Mugabe’s best efforts to triumph using any conceivable tactic, democratic or not, he was unable to overcome the opposition party, the Movement for a Democratic Change. Considering that Senor Mugabe purportedly used all of the following underhanded tactics, and still lost, indicates that everyone’s favorite sub-Saharan tyrant is losing his touch:

-Mugabe’s party, ZANU-PF, ordered 250,000 more ballots for postmen and soldiers than the number of postmen and soldiers in the country. Reportedly, they ordered 3.3 million more ballots than registered voters. Hmmmm..

-Voter education is not exactly a priority in Zimbabwe. Apparently, a number of voters went to polling stations outside of their ward and were unable to cast their vote as a result.

-A number of people were registered at addresses where buildings don’t exist. And presumably no cardboard boxes either.

-Dead and exiled white colonialists were on the voter logs (ironic given that Mugabe kicked whites out of the country) while some MDC supporters were left off. That’s a wee bit suspicious!

Because Mugabe kept the foreign media and election observers out of the country, the rest of the world is forced to rely on eyewitness reports and speculation. Mugabe told the opposition party that if they released their electoral results that such an action would constitute a ‘coup d’etat. In spite of all of this, Mugabe still couldn’t muster a victory. It looks like ole Robert’s age is starting to show. Yeah, he might not be the most adroit at agricultural planning (Zimbabwe used to be referred to as Africa’s breadbasket; now it’s Africa’s crapbasket and can’t come close to producing enough food for its citizens), economics (Zimbabwe’s inflation percentage is in six digits), or prophylactic distribution (Zimbabwe’s AIDS rate is like Al Sharpton: very, very high), but the man was an expert at manipulating the electoral process. Now, he can’t even rig an election effectively (I’m not entirely convinced he’s still got all his marbles). Mugabe, really, you’ve done enough; you’ve been the definition of debilitating tyrannical incompetence for a couple of decades now to the complete detriment of your constituents. You’ve done a masterful job of this, but doesn’t someone else deserve a chance to fuck up your country? With proposals far less idiotic than your horrific policy of reverse imperialism (an African Great Leap Forward, if you will)? Do you know what this “T” is? As Will Smith (in South Park) once said: “It’s a T. For Time to Leave.”

Zimbabwean Elections: Expect More of the Same

Zimbabwe is scheduled to hold elections later this month that will see incumbent Robert Mugabe look to extend his reign of terror. Mugabe has presided over this southern African state since it changed its name from Rhodesia. His disastrous land re-distribution policy has left the country in a state of utter destitution, because agriculture, the former backbone of the economy, is virtually nonexistent. Economists are unable to accurately calculate inflation because of exponential increases but it is thought to be roughly 100,000% annually making the Zimbabwean currency worthless. Given the country’s chaotic state, one would assume that Mugabe would lose in a landslide. That assumption, unfortunately, is invalid, for a number of reasons. First, freedom of the press is nonexistent in Zimbabwe, and most media outlets merely serve as a propaganda vehicle for Mugabe. The lack of impartial journalist and a foreign media presence prevents the general populace from fully understanding the disastrous effect of Mugabe’s initiatives. Furthermore, Mugabe is a master at underhanded electioneering tactics. The last Zimbabwean election in 2002 took place under similar circumstances, except inflation was only a few hundred percent annually at the time. Like in 2008, the primary opposition candidate is a fellow named Morgan Tsvangirai of the Movement for Democratic Change party. In 2000, in order to suppress the MDC’s voting base, Mugabe arrested Tsvangirai and some of his acolytes for holding a simple political rally under the charge of treason. As well, Mugabe used the armed forces to intimidate voters and MDC members. Mugabe’s deviousness was not confined to bullying and imprisonment of candidates; on election day, Mugabe approved of hundreds of polling stations throughout rural Zimbabwe, where his support is the strongest, but only permitted a handful in the capital Harare, where dissent towards the current regime is more popular. Lines stretched for kilometers at the few polling stations available in Zimbabwe’s capital, which discouraged a number of voters and, because of time constraints, prevented many citizens from casting their ballot. Not surprisingly, Mugabe prevailed in this evidently rigged election. In light of this precedent, expecting Mugabe to run a free and fair election is absurd. What you can expect is the abuse of military prowess and electoral procedures on Mugabe’s part.  Even though Tsvangirai may be the more popular candidate, don’t expect him to assume office next year.

Final African Nations Cup Update

Final African Cup Update…that makes me a lugubrious panda. The final two matches of the tourney were both captivating. Third place game saw neighbors Ivory Coast and Ghana duke it out in a game that truly had the atmosphere of a final. The home side prevailed, and the Ghana fans went into a frenzy as if they had won the whole tournament. I found this enthusiasm for third place to be quite refreshing, as these matches are habitually plagued with listless displays and moping. What a classy note to end on for these tremendous hosts. In our final, we had a tough test for my natural hierarchy theory, as we had the Pharaohs of Egypt versus. the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon. Now, if they were just the lions, it would’ve been a simple prediction. But the Indomitable Lions? That’s a different story! Well, in the end, the Pharaohs prevailed in a game decided by a crucial mistake by the supposedly sage captain Rigobert Song. He misjudged a long ball over his head and was then beaten for pace by a more youthful Egyptian player. Both teams played inspired football, and were separated by only one defensive error. The Pharaohs, triumphing for the third time in the past five tournaments, were deserved winners. Only two more years until our next African Nations Cup, which will be hosted by the Black Antelopes of Angola; an early prediction? Look for the Ivory Coast to take it all. And I reserve the right to retract that statement in two years.

The REAL Reason Behind African Poverty

While in Geneva’s Cornavin train station, I picked up a copy of a magazine called New African. The cover story of said news magazine argued that the primary explanation as to why African governments and economies did not function as well as Western ones was due to Africa’s lack of secret societies. Ohhh, that’s why! I was idiotically under the impression that because, during the age of imperialism, European nations maintained all primary economic functions and infrastructure in the metropole, confined outposts to a primitive economic capacity, then abruptly abandoned their colonies, leaving them penniless and without any sort of transitional government that would ever conceivably adopt democracy was the principal reason for the modern African plight. But, of course, no secret societies! How could I be so foolish?!

Angola: Success On and Off the Pitch

Egypt had a surprisingly difficult match against a spirited Angolan side. The Angolan team refers to themselves as the Black Antelopes, which is a pretty badass name, but according to the hierarchy of the natural order, obvi, the Pharaohs were going to prevail. Even though Angola didn’t progress to the semis, they have to be feeling pretty good about life: both about football and life. The Angolan NT has always been, well, shit. Angola did produce one truly world-class player named Eusebio, but he opted to play for Portugal instead. Angola made their World Cup debut in 2006 and made it out of a particular tough group in this year’s ANC. More importantly, for really the first time since independence, things are looking up for Angolans, in general. A particularly brutal and extensive civil war has finally ended (Fun fact: In 1976, Cuba rotated more than 35,000 troops through Angola during Operation Carlota. That is not a typo. The three major Communist powers all struggled for Angola (!): Cuba the most ardently, Russia did so quietly, but China did monetarily support MULTIPLE splinter groups , all with radically different ideologies just to say fuck you to Castro. Castro shunned China in favor of Russia, despite Che Guevara advocating a closer alliance with China as he perceived them as the power of the future. Quite the soothsayer, eh?!) Anyway, back to Angola. Rural areas are still teeming with landmines, but the rebel forces have been eliminated once and for all. They were led by a real cult of personality/head case named Jonas Savimbi but his UNITA sycophants quickly disappeared after his mutilated corpse was shown on national television earlier this decade. (You stay classy, Angola!) Since then, the capital Luanda has become a boomtown due to its nascent oil industry. As one can imagine, the gory conflict prevented multinational corporations from doing business effectively until recently. European airlines are making a fortune serving a clientele that consists almost entirely of businessmen willing to pay bundles of cash to do business in this southwestern African nation. There’s even a non-stop flight to our oil capital, Houston. The Western-style hotels are booked months in advance. Evidently, tons of cash is flowing into Angola. This begs the question: how will Angola’s leadership deal with their new-found riches? Will President Jose Eduardo Dos Santos (no, this was never a Portuguese colony!) apply what they learned in African Government-101 and hoard the bullion for himself and his cronies? Or will he subscribe to the theories espoused in Civilized Government -407 and redistribute vast sums to government projects in orderto raise the standard of living in this predominantly, you guessed it, poor country? It all boils down to which fellow oil-rich African nation’s lead they elect to follow: Equatorial Guinea or Gabon. Equatorial Guinea, which has the distinction of being Spain’s only sub-Saharan African colony, is a tiny nation that is incredibly rich in oil. By some estimates, its per capita GDP is one of the highest in the world. But this is a deceptive statistic, common with oil-rich states. A select few control almost the whole economy. There is no middle class or infrastructure, has a deplorably low HDI (Human Development Index) score, and the economy is based almost in its entirety on the aforementioned commodity. Gabon, on the other hand, was blessed with only limited amounts of oil. Blessed? Why? Because the Gabonese government realized there was only a limited supply of oil (and more importantly, not a seemingly eternal supply of oil wealth) and was forced to reinvest oil profits in order to diversify its economy to survive once the oil dried up. As a result, Gabon is one of Africa’s wealthiest countries per capita, has one of the largest middle classes in Africa, and has the highest HDI in sub-Saharan Africa. The optimist in me hopes Dos Santos chooses the latter. The realist in me is painfully cognizant that the former is far more plausible.

May I Preface That I AM NOT ACTUALLY SERIOUS (but if poverty is to be alleviated in Africa I’m not against manipulating Western governments)

There was a great article in last week’s Economist about the Central African Republic entitled “Beyond a Failed State.” Wow, that’s not good. I was actually planning on writing about disparities in aid money amongst African countries, and had elected to use the Central African Republic as the basis for my newest off-the-wall, not actually serious idea. Since The Economist, once again, beat me to it, I’m going to highlight another country that gets comparatively little aid, largely because of its minor international profile: Zambia. Zambia is your prototypical landlocked Sub-Saharan African country: poor as dirt, not so Democratic, not a whole lot of food and potable running water. They’re governed by a real tool named Mwanawasa (I forget his first name, but its something surprisingly Jewish sounding) who, like most African prespots (a portmanteau for president and despots) is guilty of election fraud and dishonest accounting. However, since he’s never attempted anything radical as Mugabe’s reverse imperialism program (expelling whites from their plantations and bestowing the land to blacks), commited genocide, or deported the foreign media corps en masse (if there even is a foreign media presence in Zambia), his country remains under the radar. As a result, aid to this country is significantly lower than countries like the Sudan. What I suggest (in jest and in a very Machiavellian fashion) is that an unscrupulous African leader manipulate the media in order to garner considerably more television coverage of the destitution in his or her respective country and thus drastically increase aid money, and since Mwanawasa clearly isn’t burdened with a sense of morality, he would be a perfect candidate. What gets international attention faster than a US Senator’s airport bathroom stall gay sex scandal? Genocide. Obviously, I don’t advocate perpetrating genocide. But what if a leader like Mwanawasa were able to hire the services of a technology consulting firm, pay them a handsome sum to ensure non-disclosure, and engineer videos of what appears to be genocide in, say, the remote northeast jungles of Zambia committed by a rebel minority faction (Like that movie Wag The Dog, except instead of public distraction for the sake of political preservation, the deceptive images would actually be used for the greater good of the country)? Leak the video to the press, and before you know it, every world leader will condemn the supposed atrocities in Zambia and third graders throughout the United States will be donating a dollar to help Zambian children through these tough times. What about evidence you ask? Simple. For a few weeks before the “discovery” of the slaughtering of innocents, have trusted aids, covertly in the middle of the night, empty the unidentified bodies from the Lusaka morgue (Zambia has an astronomical AIDS rate, even for African standards, leaving countless dead), drive them to an obscure patch of jungle in the country’s scarcely inhabited northeast, riddle their long dead bodies with bullets, and bury them in a shallow grave (Sorry if that’s too graphic). It’s not as if CSI is going to show up looking for semen samples. Create a couple of primitive forts and weapons caches to be found and no one would even consider the possibility of an intricate ruse. As long as evidence of the genocidal insurgents exists, at least for a while, people won’t question a lack of POWs. African rebel groups have a long track record of avoiding detection in the depths of African jungles. Hell, some of the generals responsible for the carnage in Rwanda have been hiding out in Eastern Congo for more than a decade without being captured. So, before long, the aid money would enter the country by the millions. While a lot of that money would reach the Zambian people, Mwanawasa and his cronies would benefit too from the myriad bribes that are requisite for NGO’s to conduct their affairs in countries rife with graft. As Kanye West informed us that Fitty Cent once told him: “Go ahead, switch yo style up, if they hate, then let ‘em hate, and watch the (aid) money pile up!” That’s all you gotta do, Mwanawasa, switch yo style up! Clearly, I don’t actually advocate any of this, but I am surprised nobody has tried something similar yet…

World Cup 2010

True or False: Will the 2010 World Cup actually take place in South Africa? Don’t be so quick to answer. In terms of stadia infrastructure, thanks to help from soccer governing body FIFA, South Africa will be ready on the match front. Pitches will be in immaculate condition; ultra-modern stadiums will be completed; weather will be cooperative because the tournament takes place during the Southern Hemisphere winter. The reasons (and there are many) why the World Cup might not occur in South Africa are based on infrastructural and socio-cultural grounds. This week, South Africa had rolling blackouts on a massive scale. I don’t have to explain how this can be detrimental to a society and an economy as a whole, and the World Cup is no different, especially since the majority of matches take place at night or at least partially in darkness. Furthermore, South Africa does not have sufficient public transportation to host a major soccer tournament (remember: American stadiums are the exception; most stadiums in the world are located in the heart of a city and have very little in the way of public parking, thus rely heavily on mass transit to move supporters to and from matches). Lack of capacity/adequacy in the public transit sector is only the beginning. Indiscriminate violence against white tourists increases annually, as a result of rampant poverty in South Africa and the effect of South-South migration in the country. Immigrants from uberpoor sub-Saharan countries like the Congo, Mozambique, and especially Zimbabwe come to South Africa (it is estimated that more than a million Zimbabweans emigrated to South Africa last year) because one can earn far better wages as a waiter in Jo’burg than as a doctor in Kinshasa or a teacher in Maputo. Since there are nowhere near enough jobs to go around, many immigrants are left unemployed, homeless, and angry. The end result is far too many senseless violent crimes. You heard it here first, if South Africa’s murder rate against white tourists (the murder of a white German makes news, the murder of five black Zimbabweans does not. Do I agree with this? No. Is this how the world is? Yes.) does not subside substantially, FIFA will not stage the World Cup there. Prior to the release of the decision to hold the Cup in South Africa, FIFA developed a contingency plan that would allow either Korea and Japan or Germany to re-host the World Cup in case a multitude of calamities were to occur in South Africa, since these two Asian nations and Merkelstan already have the infrastructure in place. Do not be shocked if they decide to invoke this plan. However, don’t get me wrong, it would be an utter travesty if FIFA felt compelled to move the World Cup out of Africa (the continent has never hosted the games). It would behoove FIFA to substantially increase their aid directly specific South African government security initiatives (Lord knows its not safe in Thabo “HIV doesn’t cause AIDS” Mbeki’s hands) or outsource security to a private company in order to ensure that Africa’s first World Cup actually manifests itself and is not marred by arbitrary violence unrelated to football.

An Apology to Cameroon

Staying with soccer, I’d like to apologize to any Cameroon fans out there. While describing the Cameroonian national side, I claimed their nickname was simply the “Lions,” when, actually, they refer to themselves as the “Indomitable Lions.” I’m sorry Cameroon, I never meant to imply you were ‘domitable.’ After attending the Cameroon-Colombia Confederations Cup Semi-final, I did develop a genuine personal attachment to the side after what turned out to be an intensely emotional encounter. The actual game was shit, but what transpired on the pitch was life-altering; it was the first time I ever saw a man die. Former OL and Cameroonian midfielder Marc-Vivien Foé collapsed on the pitch a few minutes into the second half. After the completely inept trainers tried to revive him on the field, they attempted to stretcher him off to the locker room, only to drop him halfway there. Under the impression that Foé’s condition was stable, the match was played to completion with neither the players nor the supporters privy to the fact that Foé had indeed passed away. Seemingly so as to not tarnish his unsullied reputation, the coroners never released the cause of death; conspiracy theorists cited an unsubstantiated cocaine problem. He was mourned for days in Yaoundé, Douala, and throughout Africa as a son, a brother, and a role-model (my little brother was so moved, he purchased a Foé jersey). Cameroon went on to lose the Cup Final to France after a poignant tribute to one of the game’s classiest and most altruistic players (he had set up a number of charitable organizations in his native land). As one of my favorite players growing up due to his consistently brilliant performances for l’OL, Foé and his Cameroonian teammates, for their impeccable class and composure throughout the whole ordeal, have earned my respect both as a footy fan and as a human being.

China and Taiwan: Bastions of Maturity

Arguably my favorite running story in the realm of international politics is the constant backstabbing by the Republic of China (Taiwan) and the People’s Republic of China (China China) over diplomatic recognition as to which country is the true “China”. The only rule in this game is no one country can recognize both Chinas, and everything else is fair game, ESPECIALLY bribes. After the KMT’s retreat to Taiwan in 1949, both countries have endeavored to be recognized by as many countries as possible: Taiwan to assert its validity as a country, and China wants recognition as a big ‘fuck-you’ to Taiwan. Prior to 1972, when China was completely isolated from the rest of the world, Taiwan was the big winner, earning almost everyone’s recognition. China was like the Carrot Top of international politics: friendless. At one point in the sixties, the only ally China had was international politics juggernaut, Albania (Paulie Shore, if you will). Even their ideological allies in Moscow told Mao to suck it. After the landmark Nixon/Kissinger visits, China emerged from it’s self-imposed exile, and eventually convinced the UN to change its recognition from Taiwan to the Middle Kingdom (and the permanent Security Council seat that goes with it). As a result, most countries switched their recognition to the considerably larger China and Taiwan was kicked out of most major global organizations (think: the WHO, and later, China would prevent them from joining the WTO). In the early 90’s, Taiwan lost its two remaining major allies, South Korea and Saudi Arabia, to China, as both saw the potential boon in trade as far more valuable than the friendship of a wee democratic island nation. Taiwan is now down to less than 25 countries that recognize ‘em, the majority of which are tiny islands in the Caribbean, the Pacific, and a few sub-Saharan African nations. It counts Panama, the Holy See (kinda ironic that the Vatican doesn’t recognize the country with the fifth most Christians in the world as a country), and Paraguay as its most powerful allies (slim pickings, eh?). What does this all mean? O.C. levels of bickering, conniving and backstabbing! A few weeks ago, China convinced Malawi to abandon its relations with Taiwan. How you ask? China offered Malawi a six BILLION dollar aid package. Malawi’s GDP is only 2 billion dollars! (not in terms of Purchasing Power Parity) Taiwan claimed it was “disappointed” that Malawi would turn their back on decades worth of successful relations just for monetary compensation. What world are you living in, Taiwizzle?! For six billion dollars, I’d doink a goat. I’d eat cat turds. You name it. If a third-world (and honestly, Malawi’s lucky to even get that distinction) country is offered THREE times its annual GDP to simply acknowledge one country five thousand miles away and ignore another six thousand miles away, do you REALLY think they’re going to take the moral high ground and continue to recognize a fellow democracy? (not to mention Malawi’s sham democracy is about as legitimate as Kenya’s). That is why this development is so disturbing. China’s pockets are so deep at this point, they’ll be able to bribe their way to universal recognition and Taiwan will inevitably be out bid. I just hope third-world countries are cognizant of this game and savvy enough to realize that they can play the two against each other to ensure they receive a handsome sum of cash, because if you’re gonna be a pawn, you might as well get rich, beootch! Equally troubling is that China, as the parlance of our day goes, “makes it rain” for something as petty as Malawian recognition, when China has millions upon millions of people living in abject poverty in provinces like Qinghai and Gansu that see government funds about as often as I get ass (Self-deprecating humor, not boasting, for the record). Stop acting like an eight year old and get your priorities straight, China.