Allegiant: The Stripper Shuttle

A friend of mine once famously said he liked to fly Southwest so that he could “sit next to the hot chicks” (Southwest has open seating). Buddy, if you want to sit next to attractive women, Southwest isn’t the way to go; its Allegiant. Why? I’ll tell you, and then you’ll understand why we can’t let this airline go out of business.

So, the last time I was in Vegas, I was dragged to a strip club (no, really, I don’t care for them, and, yes, the rest of this story will be told some time in the near future) and because stripping doesn’t do it for me sexually, I get my druthers by asking background questions (so as to discern why they opted to strip for a living) and subtly mocking these not-so-bashful ladies (whatever, they’re not real people). Much to my surprise, I found out that NONE of these women actually live in Las Vegas! I was obviously perplexed, and was intrigued about the travel logistics of their occupation. It turns out that they were all students from the Midwest who fly into Vegas for a few weeks a couple of times a year, rent a studio with some fellow working girls, subcontract with the strip club, keep the tips, then return home, with their friends and family none the wiser. And guess what? Every one of them flew ultra-low cost carrier Allegiant to get to Vegas. This is why the government must ensure Allegiant stays solvent. If not, think of how many horny middle-aged businessmen will be deprived of superficial pleasure. And the poor young ladies who can no longer earn disposable income by getting back at their fathers, what will come of them? I’m looking at you Teddy Kennedy. And, of course, you too, Nancy Pelosi. Please, Congress, for everyone’s sake, do the right thing.

The Future of the Airline Industry

Events in the past week have served as a rather ominous illumination of what the future holds for the aviation industry in the United States and worldwide. Within the past few weeks, Hawaiian carrier Aloha, vacation/charter airline ATA, Hong Kong’s long haul, low-fare operator Oasis Hong Kong and ultra low-cost flyer Skybus all ceased operations citing increased fuel costs as the reason for their respective shutdowns (ATA also lost a critical government contract). Though you may have never flown, or even heard of these airlines, there’s reason for you to be concerned. The latter two were considered airline industry pioneers with unbounded promise. Don’t blame these failures on poorly-conceived business models; jet fuel’s unforeseen, exponential rise made these operations unsustainable. This is worrisome because it’s an indicator that these are not the only airlines losing money: the others just have cash reserves to keep them afloat for the time being. Semi-low cost carriers like Frontier and Virgin America can’t be doing much better as they lack the extensive corporate and cargo contracts and they don’t serve high-yielding international destinations like the major carriers do. Any carrier that’s not a legacy carrier (NW, US, DL, UA, AA, CO) is in serious jeopardy (the aforementioned majors will be bailed out by the government or bought out by another carrier if they run into fiscal problems and they’ve been modifying their route structures to include more high-yielding services and look to be in a more secure position). Southwest, however, is not out of the woods. Most of its fuel hedges end in late 2009, and its only because they pay so little for petroleum that they are able to offer such low fares without drastic economic consequences. Once Southwest is forced to pay market prices for fuel (in addition to the worrisome “cracks in plane” scandal. If you haven’t read about it, use your imagination), its route network may become unsustainable. With jetfuel sky-high (no pun intended) and with no decrease in sight, carriers will become insolvent as fast as Max Mosley can scream “Sieg Hail!”

This leads us to a theoretically grave problem: the potential death of creativity in the airline industry. At first, this seems like an aspect of air travel that only aviation enthusiasts would deem important, but I argue to the contrary. Since deregulation, start-up airlines have perpetually re-invented the industry with inventive methods to try to find a profit in the fickle world of commercial aviation. Though most post-deregulation startups have failed, the opening of the airline industry allowed for airlines who did succeed such as Southwest to bring down the cost of flying for the average traveller and to provide far more point-to-point services (as opposed to hub-and-spoke flying). Because of the exorbitant cost of fuel, not only will semi-entrenched players fade, but new players will be unable to enter the market (start-up costs are inordinately high in this industry and are the reason that most new airlines don’t ever become profitable) leaving the American traveler with fewer choices, less competition, and higher prices.

A tip or two you ask? And, perhaps, a prediction? Can do! First, if you’re planning a trip more than three months from now, don’t buy a ticket from an American carrier not called American, US Airways, Delta, United, Northwest, Continental, Alaska, or Southwest (JetBlue appears pretty safe as well, but three months is a long time, and its unclear how sustainable their network is with these fuel prices). Even if any of these get into financial trouble, they will either be given government help or will be bought out by another major carrier, and will continue to exist, though perhaps under a different name, but your purchase will still be valid. If you buy from another airline, and said airline goes under, you won’t get your money back. Keep that in mind.

Which airline will go down first? A smaller airline may be the first to succumb (I’m looking at you, Spirit), but undoubtedly the first major to go down as a result of the jet fuel crisis will be Alitalia. Alitalia hasn’t run a profit this millennium and is purportedly losing 2 million Euros A DAY. Either Air France/KLM (though talks with the Franco-Dutch outfit have broken down on a number of occasions, I wouldn’t be surprised to see them recommence ) or Air One (a smaller Italian carrier and a move that is apparently being greased by none other than Silvio Berlusconi himself!) will buy it out, but don’t count on Italy’s traditional flag carrier to be around in its current form much longer.

Orlando International Airport: The Most Aggravating Lines in a City Where There’s Nothing But

-The Orlando International Airport is made up of four “airsides” (like concourses), number one being the most dilapidated of the bunch. In addition to the shoddy state of this terminal, its also home to by far the longest security lines and easily the most aggravating passengers. This airside hosts Continental, American, WestJet (a Canadian low-fare carrier), and SunCountry (a Minneapolis-based semi-scheduled airline): which means Texans, New Jersians, Ohioans, Puerto Ricans, Haitians, Canadians, and Minnesotans. Great. Why doesn’t American start flights to Yemen and Laos so that I can hang out with all my favorite people simultaneously?

-On the other hand, my father adores flying out of Airside 1, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. He refuses to fly any airline other than Continental. This is bizarre because, except for intra-Florida/Bahamas flights, Continental only flies to three cities from Orlando. He claims it’s because they’re the only US carrier to fly to Geneva, but I wasn’t entirely convinced that this was his sole reason for flying the airline that used to be known as “America’s Very Own Soviet Airline.” So, a couple of days ago, my dad offered to drive me to the airport (knowing I was flying Continental) and insisted on taking me to the airport 2 hours early. I informed him that I wasn’t checking in, and two hours was definitely superfluous. A worried expression came onto his face, and he voiced his concern that, “Son, I want to make sure you have time for your Cinnabon.” Ooooh, it all becomes clear now. This is why he flies Continental! They’re in the only airside with Cinnabon!

-Every commercial airport has a three-letter IATA airport code. Some you know, like Los Angeles Int’l is LAX and New York’s John F. Kennedy Airport is JFK. Some of these codes are rather amusing, like Helsinki is HEL and New Haven is HVN. Hangzhou is HGH, which only became funny last year. Singapore’s is SIN which is amusing became this may be the only ’sin’ that’s not outlawed there (actually, prostitution is supposedly quasi-legal, but chewing gum gets you a caning. Go figure). Newark’s is EWR which is actually onomatopoeia for the sound one makes when looking out the window upon arrival and seeing New Jersey. Moreover, there’s HOR, STD, SEX, GAY, FAG, and POO which are Horta, Portugal; Santo Domingo, Venezuela; Semblach Germany; Gaya, India; Fagurholsmyri, Iceland; and Poco de Caldas, Brazil, respectively.Orlando’s is MCO, ostensibly named after the old McCoy Air Force base that preceded the airport. However, Central Floridian iconoclasts deride “MCO” as a Disney-backed conspiracy; it really stands for Mickey’s Corporate Office.

-In the summertime, Virgin Atlantic flies upwards of five flights a day to MCO in order to take advantage of the seemingly insatiable British demand to contract sun poisoning. For the record, this is probably the only place in Orlando that you can consistently find multiple virgins congregating.

-You may think your airport is cool because it has a California Pizza Kitchen, a 24-hour movie theater, a bullet train, or nonstop service to every inhabited continent, but does your airport have alligators? I didn’t think so. The FAA mandates that every airport has to have a chain link fence surrounding the airport (to prevent terr’ists from infiltrating). Orlando gets an exception for a lot of its perimeter, because instead of fences, there is a deep, 30 foot wide moat teeming with gators. Yeah, that’s badass, not to mention I like the chances of a gator stopping a terrorist more than a freaking fence. Don’t believe me? Next time you fly to MCO, get a window seat and look at the ubiquitous retention ponds. You’ll see one or two either sunning or swimming. And welcome to Orlando. Don’t swim in our lakes: if the gators don’t get you, the amoebas will.