Oh, God. Baseball Season. Again. Ugh. Couldn’t We Take a Summer Off? Like That Year They Went on Strike? That Was Awesome.

As has been indicated by previous posts, I’m clearly a sports enthusiast. However, my love for sports is not all-encompassing; I despise NASCAR (I contest that it’s not a sport; also, perhaps this a subconscious rejection of a prominent aspect of being a Southerner, a label from which I distance myself despite my birthplace), the biathlon, the WWE, and, most importantly, baseball. I hate baseball. Words cannot adequately describe the enmity that I possess for effing baseball.

The Brog prides itself in being patriotic, and recognizes that this entry is borderline blasphemous in that department. I appreciate baseball’s sizable contributions to our nation’s history and its place in Americana. Then again, I also admire what Dwight Eisenhower did for the US, but that doesn’t mean I make annual pilgrimages to his library. As a historical entity, I have no problems with baseball. My problems are with modern baseball; namely, that I am going to have to deal with the monotony that accompanies baseball season for the next six month. Awesome.

The way I feel about baseball is how the rest of the country feels about soccer; the sport is just so incredibly dull. I have tried to develop an appreciation for America’s past time on a number of occasions, but I can’t get over the fact that

a) The average game means absolutely nothing in a 162-game season. For the TB Rays, the last 81 games mean absolutely nothing. And you wonder why people don’t buy season tickets. The lack of importance of individual contest greatly reduces the passion that comes with sport (if you’ll notice, the number of games in a season and passion are inversely proportionate in American sports. College Basketball/Football/NFL- fewer games, people care. MLB, NBA, NHL- too many games, nobody cares).

b) The game requires so little athleticism. The fact that John Kruk was a perennial all-star in anything other than drunk tank appearances, sweating, or consumption of chew is laughable;

c) As far as the media is concerned, the only teams that exist are the Red Sox, the Yankees, the Braves and some team called the Cubs that apparently never wins. Ever;

d) The innumerable stoppages in play (especially any game with amulti-pitching changes in a single game) make it the epitome of booooring;

e) Baseball’s highlights aren’t even interesting. Top Plays on SportsCenter on a summer Wednesday go something like this: homerun to right field, diving catch, homerun to center, double play, omg the same guy hit another homer!, some guy caught a fly ball WHILE RUNNING, some guy hits a home run in San Fran into the bay and some douche on a kayak celebrates recovering the ball, fat dude in the stand with a funny sign about how no one shows up to Kansas City games, and, finally, A-Rod hits a home run, Scott van Pelt all but asks A-Rod for his hand in marriage, everyone goes to bed unhappy;

f) Jose Canseco;

g) If George W. Bush isn’t fit to run it, then I want nothing to do with it;

h) If Bud Selig is fit to run it, I want nothing to do with it;

i) It’s similar to cricket, and since cricket is officially the worst sport of all time, logic tells me baseball can’t be good.

j) Baseball brawls are pretty much the biggest letdown of all time, and when one worthy of praise occurs (Nolan Ryan anyone?), people act as if they’ve witnessed true anarchy. No, The Palace was anarchy (think the exact opposite of Hannah Montana). Bertuzzi was attempted murder (well, technically assault). Miami/FAU was mayhem (Swinging helmets, thats what I’m talking about!). Dyer/Bowyer was amusing (two teammates attacked each other and were both shown red. God Bless Newcastle football). Baseball skirmishes are pathetic (I’m looking at you, Robin Ventura).

k) Poor people can afford to attend baseball games. How woefully plebeian.

l) Talking heads can’t bring up baseball without droning on about steroids. I don’t care. Leave us alone. But noooo, they talked about it so much that they brought Congress in. The US Congress gets so little accomplished anyway. Did we really need them spending inordinate amounts of time determining who was a big bad liar when, I don’t know, millions don’t have health care, we have no idea how to fix social security (this is a lock box-free Brog), the economy is in shambles, we’re mired in a war we have no clue how to win. No, let’s concentrate on fucking baseball. Brilliant. If I run for office ever, this will be my platform: “Will not enact legislation pertaining to baseball.”

If anyone else would like to help me eliminate baseball from American culture, let me know!