My Best Friend Lesley said, “Oh, He Just Bein’ SOS-sy!” (Read: Update)

-In what constitutes a drastic change of heart from the Brog, as indicated in the previous post, I have moved to Taiwan. The reasons for this unprecedented about-face are manifold, but one in particular was the driving force behind the demenagement: the Chinese government. I’m used to their quirks, but this most recent development was simply too much. As alluded to in other posts, the implementation of new visa limitations decreed that I’d be allowed to stay in the country for 30 days, then I’d have to return to the United States to have a new visa re-issued and that in and of itself wasn’t even guaranteed. In other words, I’d have to jump over a number of hurdles and spend copious amounts of moonneaay to…be unemployed. No, thank you.

-I went to Shanghai anyway, because, hell, I’d already paid for a roundtrip ticket and a visa; I figured I might as well use it. My time there solidified my decision, as the whole of the expat community seemed apprehensive. Furthermore, I was a VERY greedy panda and my actions last weekend could have lasting, drastic repercussions with your friend and mine Zhong Han. One of the major disadvantages of my Mainland exodus is that I left a number of good friends (people to karaoke with) for a place where I have no friends (no one to karaoke with). Oh well, a lack of foreign friends will be good for my Chinese. Or something.

-The decision to move to Taiwan was not an easy one, but in reality it was my only one. I couldn’t stay in Hong Kong unemployed because it’s just too expensive, they don’t speak Mandarin, and it’s WAY too close to Macao. This left Taiwan. It’s ironic that I moved back here because three years ago I vowed to NEVER return to the pseudo-nation (see, there I go again, I can’t stop!). I determined that my previous negative attitude Taiwan was due to situations that didn’t directly relate to the island, its people, or its culture. For example, though I made some very close friends (that’s the nicest thing I’ll ever say about you, Spiffy), in general I didn’t like the people around me. I lived in one small room with three Taiwanese students sans internet or television. My new line of thinking is that if I’m able to live in a single avec internet and television, the resulting “me-time” will save my sanity. As well, last time I lived way out in the burbs, which prevented me from having easy access to Indian, Italian, and Mexican food. Living in downtown will allow me to more effectively avoid Taiwanese food and the infamous “ass-sauce” in which everything is marinated. I’m sure that all of this is a completely erroneous line of thinking, but I’ve convinced myself its true which should keep me content for at least a month.

-Ok, I know that judging people based on stereotypes is wrong, but until I meet a Nigerian in China who isn’t a drug dealer, I’m going to have to perpetuate that one.

-I have been in China/Chinese entities for a week, but didn’t have Chinese food until yesterday and that’s just because I was at the airport and my food options were limited. I have had Indian five times (HK’s Indian buffets are second to none, and Shanghai’s Indian delivery is awesome, especially when I make Zhong Han pay for it while I nap).

-The pun-master, Spiffy, sent me this pun. And it is delicious: “Do you know those Hallmark bears that people use for Valentine’s Day and shit, that say things like, I love you BEARY much? There should be break up bears instead, that say things like, I find you unBEARable, or let’s put things on PAWS. Or more to the point, I WANT TO FUCK OTHER BEARS.”

-I dominated Macao (more on that later) walking away with about a grand (which made me feel a lot better about my 500 dollar Shanghai getaway), but the Macanese had the last laugh. It ate my phone, which made for an aggravating weekend of using “landlines.” How very 20th century. Macao note: apparently Macao has such a cash surplus thanks to staggering gambling revenues, that each citizen will receive roughly 700 USD just for existing. This isn’t a stimulus package either. Just a package. A “thanks for being Macanese” package. Ok, you got me, I just like saying Macanese. Macccaaaanese. Rolls off the tongue.

-I accidentally went the wrong way on the people mover at HKIA (hey, it was on the opposite side!) and fell flat on my face. Then rolled backwards. It was so bad people stopped and pointed. I then hid at a waiting area on the other side of the terminal until boarding.

-I got to see my brother Pete in Shanghai. So, now our three most recent rendezvous have been as follows: 1) Stuttgart strip club; 2) New Jersey country club; 3) Shanghai silk market. Next rendezvous: a FARC camp in southern Colombia? And nothing amused him and his wife more than the fact that I speak Chinese like a 21 year old girl (no, really, I do. And, yes, it is far more embarassing than, I don’t know, falling face first on a people mover in Hong Kong’s airport), which is why in Taiwan, I’m going to try and make guy friends so that I can learn male speech patterns. That way, when I’m talking about football, politics, guns, and bitches, my sentences won’t be littered with expressions like the Chinese equivalent of “Oh. My. God,” “Totally!” and “oh, you thilly goose!” Will improvements be made? No, which is why any job interview in Chinese MUST be taped.

-I’d also like to take this opportunity to announce I will be setting up an auxiliary blog, that will be, how do I say, not funny. And entirely self-indulgent. It’s going to be geared towards my parents and friends of my parents who want to see pretty pictures and stories that don’t involve me being an alcoholic sociopath. I’m not going to link to it (these two will remain entirely separate entities) and please don’t mention this blog in the other one, but if you’re interested, I’ll send you the link in a few days when it’s up, just let me know. You should know that the Brog will remain uncompromising in its disparagement of everything Chinese related, but I must warn you ahead of time, the other one might use words like “Chinese culture” and “fascinating” in the same sentence without any hint of irony.

Indian food time, ciao!

Now, There’s NO Way China Could Screw Me Again. No Way, Whatsoever. Impossible. The Opposite of Feasible.

So, we’ve covered the anal-iation, one of my best friend’s TB incident, in addition to me being dumped for an arranged marriage, acquiring an unrelenting online stalker, and being forced into forsaking certain herbal remedies, really what more could China do to screw me?

This is what.

The day I’m to have my visa issued, these rules are implemented. Meaning: the likelihood that I will be granted a 5-day non-renewable Chinese visa are good to quite good. Awesome. Good thing I didn’t spend literally thousands of dollars to come back only to be told I’m not wanted. Granted, with a little research my friends in Beijing would have just cause to deny me entry. But superficially [upstanding citizen with a good command of the Mandarin language who has spent significant time in the country without serious trouble (I did say some things on-record concerning Taiwan that might have not gone over so well)], I should be an ideal candidate.

Am I mad at China? No. Instead, I’m blaming the Tibetans. If they hadn’t effed with the status quo, I’d be in China right now. I’d have purchased my year long multiple entry visa for a scant 75 bucks and would already be recovering from an all-nighter doing Jay Chou karaoke (I haven’t had a chance to belt out the lyrics to his new album, a travesty selon the Brog). But noooooo, I’ve had to spend close to 600 dollars total to grease the wheels to get a measly thirty day single entry visa that isn’t even guaranteed to be issued.

Why? Team Tibet had to throw a tantrum, which has incited a mega-crackdown by the Chinese government and completely screwed China’s expat community, who pride themselves in effectively circumventing the grasp of the communist government. According to the above-linked article, many of the million expats in the country will have to go home just to renew their visa. This is a major, not to mention costly ordeal, that could have significant, long-term economic repercussions. How? Engrish teachers. Most English tutors in Shanghai/Beijing are like yours truly; we’re technically undocumented workers. But China needs foreign English teachers (and there’s a lot more money in the semi-illegal sector than the legitimate one) to refine the often unintelligible speech patterns of the CCP’s future elite. If they kick out all of the quasi-legal Westerners (and the inherent resentment of deportation preventing an en masse return of said educators) could lead to an entire generation of Chinese people speaking English like retards.

Why, Tibet? As I’ve said before, you’ve won the fucking geopolitical lottery. Count your blessings, you could be Nepal. Within this century, your province (thanks to generous subsidies from the Chinese government) will easily be the wealthiest enclave in all of the Himalayas. You wouldn’t be the first entity that sacrificed its culture for moooore moooneaaaay. Come on, budday, give it up.

Though, on a more serious note, the events of the past month do not augur well for this Olympics. This newest initiative will do nothing but alienate the few Westerners who are indeed China apologists. China is attempting to at least manage, at worst deport the Chinese sympathizers for who? Olympic participants? At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if TMQ’s depiction of Li Lin’s Olympic Torch Relay (”As the Olympic torch arrived in San Francisco, Lin, a 1992 medalist for China, San Francisco resident and the first torchbearer for California, was for security reasons moved to an undisclosed location, where she ran an undisclosed distance in undisclosed shoes with no public witnesses present, perhaps having undisclosed thoughts. How festive!”) will mirror certain events during the actual Olympics. Will they change venues at the last minute to prevent incidents? Will they bar non-participants from entering the confines? Will they prevent non-relative (of participants) foreigners to even enter the country? Will they refuse foreigners access and fill the stadiums with only Chinese nationals to maintain the facade of a successful Olympics? As ludicrous as these questions seem, at the rate the Chinese government is reacting, one of the aforementioned scenarios is entirely feasible.

What China doesn’t seem to grasp is that the Internet will dispel any trickery they have up their sleeves. The days of intricate secrecy throughout an entire society are over; transparency reigns via the bloggers (did I just attempt to justify my hobby as legitimate? Yeah, I think I did, I apologize. Exclude me from the aforementioned statement), and for the sake of China’s ever-important face, it would behoove them to come to this realization before they are confronted with further embarrassment.

Another Interactive Post: Who has the Worst Ailment Courtesy of China?

As you will recall, the culinary delicacies of Shandong Province tore my anus apart which I assumed would give me eternal street cred in the “China Bigtime Physically Screwed Me” Oneupsmanship Department. Little did I know a rival to my throne would manifest itself so close to home. It turns out, my partner in crime, Jand, during a routine check up discovered that he had a positive-TB skin test. Fortunately, he did not have full-blown consumption, but it does mean he has to take medicine that prevents him from drinking for up to 9 months (please note: he’s a non-Mormon in law school).  So, my question for you, the reader, who did China fuck worse? Me: 9 months of painful diarrhea/legitimate concerns of becoming anemic or Jand: having to deal with law school for nine months without the sauce? Your call.

Who’s to Blame for Olympic Chaos? Answer: Everyone

So many people at fault, so little time. Let’s start with the IOC. Jesus Christ, hey Olympic Committee, gullible’s written on the ceiling! You really thought that if you made the Chinese government PROMISE to improve their human rights record that they would follow suit? Ha! And who was the retard who thought a global torch relay was a grand idea? The underlying reason I have no problems with: to promote the Olympics. Bitch, this ain’t Athens. Major media outlets throughout the world have been covering the lead-up to the Beijing Olympics for the past year. Factor in that there are no less than three major groups within China that have qualms with the government (Xinjiang, Tibet, Taiwan), in addition to the myriad environmental and human rights groups internationally, did anyone think the relay would progress smoothly? Not surprisingly, the IOC is considering making this the last global relay. Why didn’t they do this from the beginning? Restricting the relay to within China would have meant a glitch-free, triumphant pageant of contained fire. Say what you will about the Chinese government, but they know how to maintain order.

Speaking of the CCP, they are obviously a ripe candidate for the blame-game. I like to consider this a bit of karmic retribution for betraying the IOC’s good faith bid. Oh, and for systematically attempting to eliminate minority culture in its outlying territories. Because of the state-controlled media, the government gets away with a lot of outright manipulation of events pertaining to the provinces of Xinjiang and Tibet, both within China and around the world, preventing a larger scale backlash. For example, I surfed China Daily’s website yesterday, and found three articles concerning the torch debacle. One article completely omitted the word Tibet. The two others included the word ‘Tibetan’ only if it was followed by the word “separatist.” In the daily picture gallery, there was only one picture of the scene in San Fran: one could see innumerable Chinese and American flags surrounding a lone Tibetan flag. The caption read something to the effect of: “Chinese and Americans berate Tibetan separatist.” For those of you who think Fox News is biased, you ain’t seen nothing. This outright manipulation, in addition to the ubiquitous One China propaganda, prevent ordinary Chinese citizens from grasping the reality of the situation (for instance, the Chinese government called the Dalai Lama a terrorist last week). Under these tense conditions, it’s by no means astonishing that Tibetans and Han Chinese clashed this month. The malevolent initiatives by the Chinese government will only serve to further exacerbate tensions amongst the Chinese people and squarely puts the CCP, for their suppression of citizens and media freedom, in the “to blame” camp.

The Chinese aren’t the only politicos who look like dumbshits in this crapfest; Western politicians were also unable to obviate the risk of blame from the Brog. Nico Sarkozy, Gordon Browne, and my fav, Hilldawg Clinton are all worth of scolding; they are all blatantly pandering to their respective constituencies and are tacitly abetting further protests. All three have threatened to boycott the Opening Ceremony, because of human rights infractions. This reeks of hypocrisy on so many levels. First, all three of these governments are culpable in a number of woeful violations of human rights over the past few decades (Britain: Irish Hunger Strike at Long Kesh Prison; France: Monetary support of multiple African dictators, namely Deby in Chad; nuclear testing in French Polynesia; United States: Iraq/Guantanamo), so these accusations ring a tad hollow. Secondly, all of these countries count China as one of their most important trading partners. If they really wanted to send a message to China, they’d boycott Chinese products. No, they just want to appear as if they care about Tibetan freedom, while going just far enough to not bigtime piss off the Chinese. These countries regularly invite Chinese dignitaries on lavish tours of their national treasures, while barely admonishing the Middle Kingdom on its deplorable human rights record. I didn’t hear any of these countries clamoring when China was awarded MFN status or when it was inducted into the WTO, both far more significant events. Ooooh, but now that there’s a public outcry…the attitude of Western governments abruptly changes! Boycotting the Opening Ceremony is hardly a drastic punishment (I secretly think these leaders just don’t want to attend the unendurable Opening Ceremony, and if that’s the case, I retract my previous statements, and consider this maneuver a stroke of genius) and will not inspire China to change its stance on Tibet; they will consider it a huge loss of face (reputation), but the only thing it will encourage is China to counter with an equally embarrassing act. In other words, look forward to the Chinese government making a huge fuss about how the cadres will not be attending the WHOLE London Olympics.

And, finally, white people. The next Stuff White People Like better be “Tibet,” because this is getting absurd. Young pseudo-intellectuals frequently wax on about how there should be a “Free Tibet,” but if one asks a few probing questions, one quickly finds out that most have only a vague conception of WHY Tibet should be free (prepare oneself for ambiguous answers relating to Buddhism and unnamed human rights violations). I firmly blame Richard Gere for making Tibet his cause-celebre and the prevalence of yuppie demi-Buddhists who don’t actually grasp the religion in its entirety (it’s about suffering, people! And doing yoga for a half hour each week and eating tofu for lunch while driving a BMW isn’t going to alleviate it! Buddhism=fine; demi-Buddhists=straight to hell). If you like Tibet so much, move there. And leave me alone.

The Chinese Perspective on Tibet, the American Presidential Election, and Race

 Dear Readers, I present you with a Brog exclusive. Political correspondent Yama (aka Zhong Han) has so graciously, if unknowingly, provided us with her insights on current events in China and the US. I think you will find them insightful and, perhaps, amusing. Enjoy.

me: hey, what is the chinese news saying about what’s going on in Tibet (Xizang)

11:50 PM Yama: oh my God . you know this

me: uh yeah?

Yama: the damned American government .

me: its our fault?

Yama: xizang want to be a country like taiwan

me: (and actually you should be cursing France, if anyone, their president has been the most vocal)

Yama: they want to seperate from china

11:51 PM me: ok well i have a question for you hanhan…why should it not be a separate country?

PS It’s not just America…most countries think Tibet should be its owwn country…but don’t say anything to China because China’s trade is too valuable and they can’t risk infuriating the CCP

Yama: American government supported taiwan to be a country ..and now your country also support tibet to be a country …

11:52 PM me: actually, we havent.

is the news saying that?

America does not support Tibet. They support more autonomy for Tibet (kind of like a “Te Qu”)

and the end of human rights violations

but not an independent Tibet

Yama: i get the information from my fds who are working in canada

11:53 PM they have an event in canada ,and they were forbiden by the canadian cops

me: what do the chinese news channels say? anything?

i’m not surprised

11:54 PM Yama: taiwan and tebit belonged to china before .they are the parts of my country

me: and, technically, America no longer supports Taiwanese independence

11:55 PM when did they belong to your country?

please tell me.

Yama: but chinese channel said taiwan should belong to china already without American supporting .

11:56 PM me: That’s true…we tacitly support Taiwan

Yama: if we fight with taiwan ,America will support taiwan

me: in the sense that we don’t let china invade taiwan

yes

but if taiwan invades china (which is laughable) we will support china

Yama: before jiang jie shi move to taiwan …

11:57 PM me: yeah we supported da zhong zheng

but since the early 1970’s…we’ve supported the da lu

11:58 PM The Taiwan Relations Act stipulates that we support China except in the case of an invasion against Taiwan

Yama: when you back to china ,we’d better to go to liberary .and let you know chinese history . you will knew taiwan and tebit belonged to china before ,we had evidents

me: hahaha really?

I know my geopolitical history pretty well han han

11:59 PM Yama: i dont think so

me: tibet only became a part of china in 1949

Yama: if your history is very well , why dont you know these places belonged to us before ?

wow ! u could remember the time

12:00 AM me: You mean during the Yuan and the Qing?

yeah, they were breifly owned by china

you know what? Spain owned all of South America a long time ago, does that mean all of SA should be a part of Spain?

France owned all of West Africa…should that be a part of France?

12:01 AM Yama: i mean before yuan and qing

me: no the tibetan empire existed

Yama: these places belonged to china 5000 years before .. .

long history

12:02 AM me: and the mongolians for a bit too

so according to chinese lore (and nobody else), or as we liked to call it “pre history,” china owned this land. That is a far cry from a legitimate sovereign claim

12:03 AM Yama: but my text books and teacher and my country news always tell us these places belonged to china …. there will no wars if they have american’s support ,they will be easy to back china

12:04 AM me: Taiwan you have a much more legitimate claim to

yes i know your country does this….it’s called propaganda

and it worked just fine before the internet when the govt could control what was being said

12:05 AM and what information was allowed into the country, and it could be manipulated to make the government seem omniscient

Yama: and the Tv said taiwan citizens hate taiwan government to refuse to back to china .and all the chinese hate American govenment to support our cities to be countries

12:06 AM me: that’s not wrong, but it’s not right either

the taiwanese public opinion is becoming increasingly pro-chinese

Yama: en ,your words make sence …..

me: this has a lot to do with the previous president Chen Shui Bian, because he was corrupt and an ineffectual leader

12:07 AM Yama: yes ,,,,

me: they proved this by electing Ma Ying Jiu, who has vowed closer ties with China

Though Taiwan wants closer ties with China, at this point, the people in taiwan province (does that make you happy?) do not want to be a part of China yet

12:08 AM they want to be able to invest in China, and travel easily to China (for instance, they want to fly nonstop from pudong to Taoyuan airport without going to Xiang Gang

They are tired of not being able to see family who are on the mainland

Yama: haha…hey ,,, you are interested in chinese politics very much ,man ! …..know my country more than me ….but i care your country’s present election more than the politics in my country …

12:09 AM me: a lot of people havent been to their hometowns since they left the da lu in the 50’s!

(they are very old)

do you still want Hillary to win?

Han Han, seriously, she’s an awful human being

the media has caught her lying multiple times in the past week

12:10 AM Yama: so you support the black man ?

me: hahaha

I like Barack Obama more than Hillary

but I support McCain, because I’m a heartless Republican

12:12 AM Yama: now id like Bush still be your president now ….he is white at least .and he is so brave to cause many wars …when i say this to Americans ,all of them say ” gun” to me …hahaha

me: hahaha

do you not like “the black man”

Yama: hahaha ..kind of

12:13 AM just a little bit wired

me: Han Han, what did I tell you about not liking black people?!

remember in suzhou you wanted to take pictures of the black kid? bad zhong han!

12:14 AM Yama: your country is the strongest country in the world ,why you cant find an excellent white man to be president ? arnt all the white men full in America now ?

fool

12:15 AM me: the republican party is nominating a white man, McCain to be President

Yama: haha ..im just curious

me: there is a 50/50 chance a white man will be president…but that doesn’t matter

Yama: i just feel wired

me: this “black man” who is running went to HARVARD LAW SCHOOL…it’s not like he’s a gangster

12:16 AM Yama: ok .ok ///nevermind !

he is ok …

i never look down upon black men

Chen Shui Bian: the End of an Era

Though the majority of the pseudo-nation Taiwan (Republic of China) is more than ready to see the end of Chen Shui Bian’s tenure as President, the Brog is sad to see him go. From the standpoint of a Westerner, Chen Shui Bian was always a catalyst for entertaining news in the Pacific Rim by his intentionally incessant irritation of the PRC and his borderline pathetic attempts to assert what’s left of Taiwanese independence.

Now, you think I’d hate the man who China Daily claims “fears pandas,” but, while I lived in Taiwan, I could count on Chen doing something at least once a week that’s only ostensible goal was to antagonize China, which amused me to no end. For instance, the biggest row between the ROC and the PRC while I was there occurred when Chen made a surprise visit to Fiji. Fiji recognizes Big China but Chen thought that with a little Boeing diplomacy (his jet has to have a “Boeing” livery and not ROC colors if it wants to land for fuel stops in the USA) and under the guise of a fuel stop and “just visiting the Taiwanese people of Fiji (and just how many Taiwanese are there living in Fiji?!)” that he might be able to have a couple of clandestine meetings with Fijian leaders in order to convince them to switch their recognition to Taiwan before his return to Formosa. Within hours, Beijing found out about this budding love triangle between Taipei and Suva and was infuriated sparking a war of words that would last at least a month. All over the recognition of FIJI!

Chen Shui Bian also liked to irk China through the use of “aggressive fuel stops.” Huh? As opposed to routing his aircraft from one country that supports Taiwan to another acolyte, Chen Shui Bian roved to route his plane through a United States city like San Francisco or New York, get off his plane for a handful of hours, rile up support for Taiwanese independence amongst Taiwanese-Americans, then promptly return to his plane and jet off to somewhere where he was officially welcomed. How do you think China felt about this? Well, they finally put a stop to this and forced the US to only allow him a transit stop in Anchorage (Chendawg was obviously not thrilled as there are about as many Taiwanese in Alaska as there are in Wyoming and so he opted to go through Libya instead, a nation that recognizes China, because there was no way China was going to have the upper hand over Chenny). When Chen finally gets to his destination of choice, say Tuvalu, Honduras, or Haiti, the poor guy had to pretend like he actually wanted to be there. The poor guy made five separate trips to Latin America during his presidency to places like Panama and Honduras, but not Mexico and Brazil (they wouldn’t have him). This would be like Bush going five times to Sri Lanka and Myanmar, but not going to Pakistan, India, Thailand, or China. Chen Shui Bian also holds the distinct honor of being the only head of state to ever visit the Marshall Islands. Slim pickins these days for the Taiwanese.

Perhaps the most lasting effect of the Chen administration vis a vis China is his creation of the Taiwanese-Tibet Exchange Foundation. This organization is an outright affront to the government in Beijing and is more or less a marketplace for the exchange of ideas concerning potential independence for the breakaway province and the semi-autonomous one. The TTEF and the Taiwanese affirmation that exiled Tibetans are not mainlanders has paved the way for a friendship between the Dalai Lama and Chen Shui Bian, proving the old adage the enemy of my enemy is my friend. This alliance, if it continues to exist through the next administration, could prove to have destabilizing ramifications (namely Taiwanese monetary and military support for Tibet) for the Beijing government.

Chen Shui Bian’s legendary status is not solely due to his acting like an eight year old towards China. Seemingly the man’s whole family was indicted on charges of corruption and forging documents, which almost cost him re-election, until he was SHOT the Saturday beforehand. The pervasive, overwhelming sympathy by the public for the attempt on his life allowed him to rally and overtake his opponent.

Now, we have to say goodbye to one of the more entertaining leaders in the world, as we begin an era of boooring “reconciliation” and “friendship” under the opposition party, the KMT’s Ma Ying Jiu. Rame.

Charlene Choi or Gillian Chung: Who Is the Superior Twin?

Charlene Choi and Gillian Chung have long been coveted as two of the most eligible bachelorettes on the Hong Kong scene because of their adorable personalities, gorgeous physiques, and sizeable bank accounts. Given that the two are not identical twins (they’re not actually even related), one invariably has to be more desirable than the other. Though many in Hong Kong would claim that, in light of Gillian Chung’s sex scandal, Charlene Choi would be the obvious choice. For me, that’s not necessarily the case; if anything, Chung’s kinky deviousness makes her even hotter! Though the scandal in and of itself does not disturb me, some information that has come to fore as a result of Ms. Chung’s humiliation, in addition to a number of other qualities, convinces me that Charlene is the superior twin. Why?

-First of all, Charlene is actually Canadian, which means a lifetime with Ms. Choi means a lifetime filled with Canadian humor. 51^st state jokes, “aboot,” Quebecois separatist wit, Canadian Thanksgiving quips, and moose would all be a part of your daily lexicon, which means you would have an eternal feeling of superiority. Gillian, on the other hand, is simply a Hong Konger, and the whole Canadian dimension would not be applicable, depriving you of endless humor that you would have if you were doinking Charlene.

-Another aspect in which Charlene is clearly the more exceptional candidate for lovin’ (at least from a Westerner’s perspective) is languages. Charlene speaks Mandarin, Cantonese, and most importantly, English fluently. Gillian, however, speaks only Cantonese fluently, and her Mandarin and English leave something to be desired. Personally, I’d rather insert searing coals into my eyes than have to communicate in Cantonese (also known as Chinese Ebonics) for the rest of eternity. Advantage: Choi!

-As indicated previously, I don’t hold her unfortunate sex scandal against Gillian Chung. But, it does kinda take some of the mystery away. Everybody in China knows exactly what’s going on under Gillian’s clothes. But with Charlene, this is all unchartered territory, which would make things a lot more interesting.

-Also, nobody’s a big fan of hypocrisy. Unfortunately for Gillian, the scandal demonstrated that she has no qualms with indulging in a little duplicity. During the period of time when she was regularly railed by Edison Chen (her male counterpart in the sex scandal), Gillian would frequently deliver speeches to youths about the evils of premarital sex. Charlene, on the other hand, has not been guilty of such egregious hypocrisy.

-Oh, yeah, and there aren’t pictures of Charlene SUCKING DICK all over the internet

 (fine, so it WOULD faze me.)

A Sad Day for China: Today We Mourn the Death of the Liquid Lunch

I rarely agree with Chinese government initiatives, and this new policy is no exception. For the sake of government efficacy, the creation of new task forces to curtail the abundant liquid lunches undertaken by Communist cadres is integral to the transformation of its current crony system into a modern, efficient government. But, by eliminating the quotidian excesses of Politburo members, we’re witnessing the demise of one of China’s great traditions: the banquet lunch. Every day, from megalopoli like Chongqing and Guangzhou to rural Hunan and Hebei, politicos of all ranks gather together for elaborate banquet lunches in their respective town, city, or village’s nicest (non-Western) restaurant… and get shitfaced. We’re talking knee-walking drunk. For two hours, the government personnel go shot for shot with baijiu which translates loosely to gasoline. After hours of devouring pricey (though usually disgusting) dishes and high-end, equally gross alcohol, the government employees just put it on the government tab. This happens virtually daily, so the cost to the government must be mind-boggling.

Technically, Chinese government offices are open from roughly 9-5, but after 12, nothing gets done. Bureaucrats return from lunch, soaked with booze, only to take naps at their desks or play cards with fellow obliterated party members. Some don’t even bother returning to work, opting to spend the afternoon at their leisure (read: “happy endings” at the local massage parlor). So why do I care? Because this will deprive future American English teachers in China of free, saucy banquet lunches. At least once a month, I’d receive a call from my friend Chengdu-born friend Chen Yamei (or as my friend Ale liked to call her “Cool Yama,” as opposed to my ex-girlfriend “Uncool Yama”), a professional karaoke singer/cultural liaison, informing me that, as the token Chinese-speaking Westerner in my suburb, I was invited to be a “guest of honor” at one of these events. Who was I to pass up free rubbing alcohol and all the cold jellyfish salad I can eat? Apparently, the goal of these lunches was to order the most bizarre dishes conceivable; kung pao chicken and orange beef were nowhere to be found. Instead, dishes in the vein of cold, pickled tofu, bonefish à la bunghole, cilantro infused beetle larvae and fried pigeon(when I found out I was eating pigeon, I instinctively gagged and was convinced I’d officially contracted avian influenza. After expressing my concerns, Chen Yamei attempted to assuage my concerns by ensuring me that these pigeons were raised a farm and not caught off the street. That went a long way in quelling my fears…not. She clearly missed the point; we had just eaten flying rat and I was NOT ok with this) were in abundance. Though the food invariably left a lot to be desired, the conversations did not, as they were incredibly entertaining and bizarrely informative of the insider’s perspective on the CCP. After the first few toasts of the pungent baijiu, party members would begin to discuss with me the merits of the Communist Party and why it was an ideal system for China. Though I vehemently disagreed in principle with the majority of their assertions, I politely abstained from engaging in political discourse and would only nod silently as if to convey accord on the subject because quarreling over party doctrine would put me on the fast track for deportation and, more importantly, the loss of my standing invitation to these banquet lunches. Because this baijiu is potent, no one ever truly develops a tolerance for it, meaning a few shots later, the room is filled with boisterous, cherry-red faced, middle-aged Chinese men and a few demure women (most of whom abstain from the impropriety of getting sloshed). The men would then begin to express their desire to sing karaoke with Chen Yamei and would imply that singing together may not be the only thing they wanted to do with the stunning Sichuanese temptress, even though many of their wives were at the table and markedly privy to the conversation. Half an hour and a few more ounces of Chinese white liquor later, the alcohol seems to have morphed into sodium pentothal, as my party-affiliated friends act as if they have consumed some sort of truth serum. They would go on at great length about how no one actually subscribes to Communist ideology anymore and that Mao’s Great Leap Forward actually set the country back twenty years. Why were they affiliated with the Party then? They’d reply that the quickest way to advance in China’s nascent capitalist society (at least in the rural parts) was, ironically, to join the Communist Party. If the government bans liquid lunches, where else will I and my fellow foreign experts be able to find such damning candor from Communist officials, indulge in gratis grain alcohol, and try new ‘palate-expanding’ dishes? The Chinese government once again has proven it is out to piss off the Brog.

China Pulls A Chuck Norris

Yesterday, international news outlets reported that the Chinese government foiled a terrorist plot on this summer’s upcoming Olympics in Beijing. The first line of the press release read: “Chinese police killed alleged terrorists plotting to attack the Beijing Olympics.” Say what you will about the United States, our interrogation tactics, and whether what transpires at our military installation in Guantanamo Bay breaches the Geneva conventions, but at least we don’t kill ALLEGED terrorists. China often responds to American denigration of China’s horrid human rights record by criticizing the United States for our detention facility in Guantanamo Bay as a violation of human rights. At least the United States gives our terror suspects a fair, if not expedient, trial. After this episode, China has no basis to defame the United States’ practices in rooting out terrorism (other countries obviously do), and any further denouncement on the Communist’s part should only be regarded as blatant hypocrisy.

Frankly, I find this suspected terrorist plot a bit surprising. The people implicated were separatists from China’s Xinjiang Province. Xinjiang, also known as Uighurstan and East Turkestan, is an autonomous region in China whose population is mostly Uighur and other Turkic peoples like the Kazakhs (which means Xinjiang natives look more like Borat than Jackie Chan). During Mao’s reign, the province’s culture and people were frequently marginalized during which Uighur resentment towards the central government fomented. During the mid-nineties, a separatist group became active, but swift, harsh government retaliation all but quashed any terrorist cells in the region. Though ethnic tensions remain, in recent years, the Chinese Communist Party has given the Xinjiang government significant autonomy and has embarked on a number of initiatives to increase Uighurstan’s economic capacity. This is why I was shocked to hear of a planned attack. I would have thought the Uighurs had realized they’ve won the geopolitical lottery. They are a part of a country that will be the unequivocal second largest economy in the world. Already ranking in the top five, China’s exponential growth has found its way to its western frontier, through the development of Urumqi as a business capital and a budding tourism industry. In a few decades, Xinjiang’s provincial economic GDP will dwarf its brethren neighbors like Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan. Though extremely unlikely to happen (the CCP would under virtually no circumstances allow Xinjiang to break away), becoming an independent nation is an absurd notion that would only deprive Uighurstan of these flourishing economic opportunities, and would relegate the territory to the destitution to which the adjacent Muslim states are accustomed.

Post-Fidel Cuba: More of the Same

As a Floridian, the first brog item has to be about the retirement of our cantankerous neighbor to the south, Senor Fidel Castro. As is well documented, the majority of Castro’s tenure as Cuba’s tyrant was devoted to antagonizing the captain of Tem Capitalist (the US). What still tickles my sides is that, prior to the early 1960’s, Castro was quite fond of America. Castro ventured to the United States on multiple occasions in an attempt to garner support for his nascent revolution (which was not overtly Communist at the time, and more focused on overthrowing Bautista). However, after firmly entrenching himself in the Russian camp, his attitudes towards the Estados Unidos morphed drastically, and sensing disaster, many Cubans emigrated en masse to Florida and New York. Since then, Cubans have become an integral aspect of the cultural fabric of our country, yet many long for the opportunity to return to a democratic Cuba. Well, guess what? Fidel’s retirement isn’t going to make that chimera a reality anytime soon. While attending the nation’s finest Jesuit institute of higher learning, I took a class called “Cuba: Post-Castro/Regime Change,” (I was the only non-Hispanic in the class and thus was able to convince the teacher to give me a sympathy A-, high five!), a fascinating, in-depth into a question that has been on the minds of Cubans and Americans a like for some time: “What the eff is going to happen once Fidel is gone?” The consensus amongst the preeminent scholars in the field was remarkably consistent: nothing! There will be no drastic change! A smooth transition with Fidel’s younger brother Raul Castro taking over the helm without straying too significantly from his brother’s radical ideals was the prognostication of almost everyone (though most did not predict that Fidel would voluntarily abdicate his Communist throne; most assumed the passing of the torch would occur posthumously). This begs the ultimate question: what will happen when RAUL (not Fidel) dies? During Raul’s term, however, there will be some changes: most notably, on the economic front, where one can look for Cuba to revalue its peso and further emulate China’s brand of “market socialism,” a strategy advocated by Raul (who has spent considerable amounts of time in the Far East to learn about the Chinese way as recently as 2005) far more than his elder brother. Oscar Espinosa Chepe, a Miami Herald columnist went as far as to claim that Raul would go down in history as Cuba’s Deng Xiaoping (the man who singlehandedly transformed China’s economy from an agrarian shitbox to a modern, sophisticated one. This assertion about Raul Castro is an exaggeration, in my opinion, but it is not too far off the mark). As well, I see Raul further increasing Cuba’s ties with China (I was ecstatic two years ago to write a thirty page paper on Cuban-Chinese relations. Worst Thanksgiving Break ever). This is by no means a groundbreaking observation considering everyone and their mother is trying to heighten economic ties with the Middle Kingdom. Cuba has an advantage, though, because, in spite of previously difficult spells in their relations, the current Chinese politburo has a soft spot for the Caribbean nation. Though China and Cuba had frosty relations prior to 1989, with the demise of the Soviet Union (who singlehandedly supported the Castro experiment), Fidel went to China, hat in hand, begging for charity, and China was more than happy to oblige. Furthermore, Cuba has some interesting Chinese connections. 1 percent of Cuba’s population is ethnically Chinese (remember in Miami Vice when Gong Li played a Chinese-Cuban, and everyone in the theater was all like “why did they cast a Chinese chick to play a Cuban?” This is why!) and Cuba has the oldest Chinatown in Latin America. Currently, China represents 10% of Cuba’s foreign trade. China has signed very lucrative 500 million USD deal concerning nickel mining with Cuba, in addition to less transparent military support. Raul, a far more enthusiastic supporter of the Chinese, will likely be able to increase military and economic aid from the current Communist juggernauts, but as for the opening of Cuba to US companies and tourists? I wouldn’t count on it during the Raul regime, and definitely not until Fidel passes on to his next life, where he will be reincarnated as a dung beetle.