American Obesity: Fuck Yeah!

Every week, we’re reminded by the media that we’re all becoming fatasses. My favorite recent examples of big-time reporting was concerning a person at Disney who was too fat to get through the entrance turnstile and that Disney has to re-engineer the Small World ride because it’s sinking as a result of more deuce and a halves riding the obnoxious attraction.

Though media outlets ostensibly are trying to curtail the rampant obesity in our nation, many of their sponsors are actively promoting health-debilitating products to gullible Americans with the end result being myriad fupas. I feel the most indicative slogan of America’s disregard for health consciousness (outside of the educated white classes, who can afford exorbitantly priced healthy food) is Taco Bell’s “Fourth Meal.” Yes, that’s exactly what America needs! Three meals were clearly insufficient; the only way to remedy the situation: adding another! And we wonder why people don’t like the United States. Imagine if you live in sub-Saharan Africa, living on a bowl of rice a day (Half-Meal), and you hear that America has decided to add ANOTHER meal to its day. I’d interpret it as an outright affront to poorer nations, and think to myself “Those motherfuckers won’t spend money on food for us, but will provide the means for 300 pound lardos to have a fourth meal!” And that, class, is how jihads start.

I Think A Better Question Is Who DOESN’T Want More Chipotle Themed Entries?

So, PTK provided me with two brilliant Chipotle-related links. The first is a music video starring a cowboy and what appears to be a barbacoa burrito and I’m not gonna lie, this one made me feel a tad frisky.

The second is a Chipotle nutrition calculator. I’m glad the previous video put you in a good mood, because this information will not.  All but one of my recommended burritos is over 100% of your daily sodium…

Nutritional value for my recommended burritos (for full details) : 1. (Dbl Carnitas/fajita/guac):  1245 calories, 54 g of fat, 120 mg of cholesterol, and a whopping 4700 mg of sodium.

2. (Barb/Pinto/Guac): a more reasonable 1033 calories, 32 g of fat, 55 mg of cholesterol, and still  3361 mg of sodium.

3. (4 tacos): What appears to be the healthiest of my recommendations, but unequivocally the least filling: an even 500 calories, 23 g of fat, 95 mg of cholesterol, and a reasonable 1120 mg of sodium.

4. (bol, bb, faj, chicken/steak): 825 calores, 30g of fat, 95mg of cholesterol, and 3145 mg of sodium.

*please note the last two are approximations as the website doesn’t account for splitting meats

With the exception of the sodium content, the burrito bol is a relatively healthy option, all things considered. Unfortunately, all of those Chipotle “haters” have a legitimate argument about the health content of the regular burritos, especially if you want to make it have “taste.” Will this deter me from eating there for lunch? Hell no! But I might go easy on the corn/cheese.

Chipotle Versus Moe’s…UPDATE!!

So, within an hour of writing an entry that likened Moe’s cuisine to fecal matter, I ended up INSIDE of a Moe’s! How was this possible?! What happened was, I left my jacket (with my camera in the pocket) in Will’s car, and he and his buddies were about to peace to go back to Gtown, so I had to meet up with them at theironly stop before I-95: Moe’s. With a great deal of consternation, I agreed. I entered Moe’s slightly paranoid, convinced that the higher ups at Moe’s had intercepted my disparaging remarks and had orchestrated this elaborate cosmic joke. Obviously, I regarded the employee’s perfunctory “Welcome to Moe’s” with a high degree of skepticism. Uncomfortable with the situation, I quickly found Will and demanded we get my jacket immediately. Unable to comprehend the urgency and ignorant that his following remark would have constituted blatant hypocrisy on my part (something your Brog author strives to avoid, as has been noted) , he asked if I’d be joining them for lunch. I scoffed, and with a condescending air, I informed everyone in the restaurant: “Hell no, I will be eating at CHIPOTLE.” With that, I was off to enjoy what was unquestionably a superior meal. And, no, I can’t be sure if I was followed. I remain on Threat Level Orange.

Chipotle Recommendations

As a self-proclaimed Chipotle expert, and a thrice weekly visitor (ok, fine, you got me, daily). Here are a few of my favorites if you’re looking to try something new:

1. -Fajita Burrito, Double Carnitas, Mild, Medium, Corn salsas, Guacamole

2. -Burrito, Pinto Beans, Barbacoa, Mild, Medium, Corn salsas, Guacamole

3. -4 Hard Tacos, 1 of Each Meat, Mild salsa, Cheese

4. - (And if you’re in the mood for something lighter) Burrito Bol, Rice, Black Beans, Fajita Mix Half Chicken/Half Steak, Mild, Medium, Corn salsas, Cheese

Also: people swear by the vegetarian burrito. Because I’m not a huge pussy, I’ve never had it, but if you’re in a veggie mood, its supposed to be delish.

Chipotle Versus Moe’s

A lot of people I know and respect claim that Moe’s is superior to Chipotle. Hell, even my own little sister is a Moe’s supporter. I would like to once and for all dispel the myth that Moe’s serves tastier Tex Mex cuisine than my beloved Chipotle.  

-First off, guacamole: people often complain about the fact that ‘polte charges for guac.  I personally am more than happy to pay for freshly made guacamole with real avocados as opposed to the industrial sized tub of artificial, tasteless green gunk that Moe’s calls “guacamole.” Same thing goes for chips. I’d rather pay a dollar for freshly cooked chips than the obviously store-bought crap that Moe’s serves. I was really shocked today when I asked for chips and they served me crap. Perhaps I didn’t articulate my order clearly enough.  I was pretty sure I said chips, but I guess I said crap.

-At Chipotle, if you want a burrito, you simply order a burrito. At Moe’s, you have to order by using some inane nickname like Joey Bag of Donuts. Which of course is a type of burrito.  Are you effing kidding me? That’s the stupidest fucking name for Mexican food I’ve ever heard, even in spite of Taco Bell’s semi-annual attempts for that title. For those of us who aren’t eight, a gimmick isn’t necessary to attract customers. Decent food is however, which is why I go to Chipotle. Oh, also at Chipotle, I don’t sound like an r-tard while ordering. The same can’t be said for Moe’s.

-As well, folks claim that Moe’s gives you more options. That’s not necessarily true. Even though Chipotle doesn’t have Quesadillas, Nachos, or Fajitas on the menu, that doesn’t mean they’re not available. Fajitas: 3 soft tacos with no beans and fajita mix. Though it does deprive you of the amusement of assembly, for all intents and purposes, you’ve got yourself fajitas. Nachos: get a bowl, but instead of rice, get chips as the base. Voila, nachos. And for Quesadillas, just ask.

-The majority of Chipotles are staffed with Central Americans as opposed to Moe’s who employ mostly college hippies who are rarely coherent enough to manage a “welcome to Moe’s.” It’s all about authenticity, baby!

-Most Moe’s devotees cite their queso as the reason for Moe’s superiority. Personally, I think their queso is the epitome of unappetizing due to its, err, viscous consistency. However, because Chipotle does not offer queso (in the American sense), I have to concede the point to Moe’s.

-Architecturally, Chipotle embraces an intriguing rustic décor, whereas the inside of a Moe’s just looks like someone vomited all over the place. Oh, wait, no that’s their guacamole.

-In terms of meats, Chipotle throttles Moe’s. Moe’s only offers three varieties of bland meat, whereas Chipotle offers four, three of which are bursting with southwestern spices. Chipotle’s meat is also of a higher quality. People used to frequently deride Chipotle as being inferior in this regard because it was owned by McDonald’s; yet it would be easy to mistake Moe’s as the McDo subsidiary given its noticeably lower grade meats.

-Here’s the aspect of Moe’s food that I can’t get past: it tastes like anus. I mean, if I want to eat feces, I can get that for free. Why should I pay eight bucks for tasteless shit? Exactly. From my experience, the people who like Moe’s are people who don’t care for spicy food, as Chipotle’s steak and barbacoa are quite piquant. These are not the people whose opinion one should consult concerning Tex Mex cuisine. That would be like asking me, a cheese loather, what I felt about French food.

In sum,despite its queso deficiency, but because of its higher quality, Chipotle is clearly the superior mid-level Tex Mex chain.

Clearly, I’m OBSESSED with Kebabs

For those of you who aren’t quite sure what a kebab is, it’s like the Turkish/Lebanese/North African version of a gyro, and they’ve taken Europe by storm. They shave meat off of the shwarma, put the meat into a warm pita, and adorn the kebab with veggies and delish spices. Now, you can see why I had roughly 15 in the past ten days. Furthermore, the Turkish word for kebab, döner, inspired the greatest Facebook group name ever: “I’ve Got a Boner for Döner.” I love kebabs so much, while I was still a French major Sophomore year, I considered writing my thesis on the prevalence of kebab culture in France and that it served as an indication of increasing levels of assimilation of Maghrebins into French society, (this was a very superficial analysis that I didn’t actually research, it was only in the idea phase, however, as the devastating riots of 2005 and 2007 proved that the omnipresence of kebabs is pretty much the ONLY way the North Africans have integrated themselves into French everyday life). I can even cite my all time top 5 kebabs in France:

5. In the summer of 2003, my friend Noah (aka #1 Jew) and I were famished in Paris’ Latin Quarter. Desperate for kebabs, we searched all throughout the narrow alleyways until we came upon a small street with no less than 10 kebab stands. We didn’t bother perusing, stopped at the first kebaberie where we were asked the most mind-boggling question: would you like frites on your kebab? Fries on a kebab, talk about life-altering! In addition to the top 5, this divine treat also made the pantheon of most unhealthy snacks ever consumed.

4. The kebaberie in Megève always produces a fine kebab. My reasons for citing this locale are manifold: 1) the owner knows my order by heart, even when I haven’t been there in a year, 2) I regularly see the owner out at the bar until three in the morning, so when I walk into his store at 2 p.m. the next day and order multiple kebabs, knowing glances are exchanged, followed by uncontrollable laughter, 3) this kebaberie has a sauce called samurai. It’s really thousand island dressing, but samurai is a much cooler name than thousand faggypants island.

3. It was 3:30 a.m. in Nice one winter, and my roommate Rodd and I have had a long evening of hedonism in my favorite pub in all of France, O’Neill’s, where they played U2’s Elevation Tour DVD on repeat all night long, much to my delight and Rodd’s chagrin (though Rodd did enjoy the crowd’s rendition of Wizz or Wizzout You). Here was our dilemma: our flight back to the States left at 7 a.m., and we were in no shape to board a transatlantic flight. There was only one remedy; we needed a greasy kebab, stat. At 3:30 in the morning, even in kebab-obsessed Nice, this was no easy task. After twenty minutes of searching, we’d resigned ourselves to defeat and began to dread what would surely be a miserable, vomit-inducing plane ride. At 3:50, our fortunes turned. Down a seemingly insignificant alley, we saw a kebab stand in the process of closing for the evening. I started screaming at him to hold on, in what would appear to be mock urgency, but for me and Rodd, there was nothing facetious about it. We arrived to discover that there was just a teeny bit of lamb on the shwarma. A look of dejection engulfed our expressions of delight (we thought we’d have to share, something neither of us are particularly good at), until the kebab master informed us that there would be enough for both of us. It might not have been the best kebab I ever had, but it surely was the timeliest, and ensured that I didn’t have an unfortunate incident en route to the Etats-Unis.

2. While studying abroad in Tours a few summers back, my daily kebab habit allowed me to form a number of rapports with various kebab vendors. One in particular, whom my friend Inaki dubbed “the most genius kebab man ever,” created a particularly delicious döner. In Tours, there is a city ordinance that mandates all bars and eateries close by 2 a.m. Our habitual routine was to leave the “Bar of Dirty Americans” (a term coined by Ms. Katherine Ross) at about 1.30 to ensure that we could easily secure a kebab. One particularly delirious Friday, we lost track of time, and exited the bar right at the stroke of two. My partner in crime, Berry, was desperate for a kebab this evening. Alas, due to the late hour, a lengthy queue had formed in front of the stand, and all hope looked lost for Berry. When our favorite kebab guy indicated that he had served his last kebab, Berry fell to his knees, looked up to the sky, and mournfully cried “Pas de kebab, pourquoooooi?! (No kebabs, Whyyyyyyyyy?!)” Fortunately, I caught the eye of the kebab guy as Berry was melodramatically scorning the heavens. Because I was one of his most valuable customers (I’m pretty sure I singlehandedly kept him in business), he motioned to me, and as he was closing the rot iron gate, signaled for me to come in. I hesitated for a second, because an alarm in my head was warning me that I was about to be raped. My apprehension was for not, as he prepared me two kebabs, and promptly snuck me out the back door. This may not have been the tastiest kebab that I had ever eaten, but the fact that Berry and I were able to (loudl y) enjoy kebabs and the rest of the crowd were left starving brought me an odd feeling of superiority.

1. The best kebabs in all of France are, hands down, outside of the Stade Gerland in Lyon. This might be just because I associate them with the sweet taste of victory.

And, yes, it’s official, I become weirder by the brog.