Birdwatching CAN Be Funny

As I’ve previously insinuated, I’m one of three people under 25 in the world who is an avid birdwatcher, and there’s no better place to indulge in a little fauna observation than in Europe. In North America, we have a species of bird that we call the chickadee. Well, in Europe, they call these birds “tits.” It was either Wordsworth or Keats who used these birds to convey not-so-subtle double-entendres in poems. Well, there’s a tree in my backyard in France in which I’ve seen no less than five species of tits, including the Long-tailed Tit, the Coal Tit, the Crested Tit, the Blue Tit (which I associate with necrophilia, don’t ask), and, of course, the Great Tit. Well, as a fourteen year-old boy, this was pretty much the funniest shit on the planet. While looking out the window, I’d tell no one in particular (though with my parents in the room), “Those are some Great Tits!” or “I have at least ten different tits in my field of vision” or “You know, I’ve seen a lot more tits this year than last.” People wonder why I, to this day, will look at a few tiny birds in a tree, and start laughing hysterically. Clearly, maturity is one of my strong suits.

Fritalian?

-The dumbest commercial I’ve seen in a long time is the newest Dunkin’ Donuts coffee commercial. The first twenty seconds are prodigious, giftedly criticizing Starbucks’ absurd cup size system (you know venti just means 20 in Italian, as in the number of ounces in the cup. Yeah, that’s lame), posing the oft-pondered question (in ensemble song form of course!): Is it in French, is it in Italian, is it Fritalian? I agree with their perspective, and am personally of the opinion that Starbucks named most of their drinks in Italian solely to exploit the insecurities of the average Seattle yuppie that associate anything European with sophistication which in turn justifies the four dollar price tag for a cup of coffee. At this point in the commercial, I was ready to run out the door and purchase a cup of Dunkin’s finest cup of joe… Until the narrator’s voice boomed: “Try delicious lattes at Dunkin Donuts where you can order in English, not Fritalian.” You r-tards, latte is an ITALIAN word. And it doesn’t even mean coffee. It means milk! All they had to say was “order your coffee in English,” and it would’ve been fine, but instead, what would have been a brilliant parody is relegated to the ranks of stupid, hypocritical advertisements.

-Speaking of hilariously duplicitous adverts, this is my favorite of all time! This is pretty much the definition of selling out. And in honor of Louis Vuitton’s first ever television spot, here’s the link. Well played, Mickey G! They said the opening of the Soviet Union’s economy was a slippery slope. First Glasnost and Perestroika, now, Vuitton!

I’m So Devious, MUHAHAHA

As you can imagine, I love a good practical joke. My favorite types are the kinds that aren’t necessarily funny, but the ones that generate tons of awkwardness. A few months ago, in a drunken stupor, I accidentally broke a potted plant at my friend’s house (For the record, this was not an act of rage, but, rather, an act of clumsiness resulting from a loss of coordination due to excessive alcohol consumption). After much prodding from folks more mature than myself and pangs of conscience, I decided to mail my friend’s mother a cheque. But, on the “for” section of the check, I simply wrote “pot.” Tehehehe, I’m so devious. I wonder if the bank has ever received a check for “pot” before. If this indiscretion causes a police investigation, this will be a lot less funny (especially since it would appear as if I’ve fled the country). But until then, I’m getting a good chuckle.

“Embrace the razor!” -Seth Cohen

Did you know that the average man, if he were to never shave in his lifetime, would have a 13 foot long beard. Or, in my case, a 13 foot neard.

Why I Love Africa, Part Two

In the January 5^th edition of the Economist, there’s a fascinating article about corruption in Nigeria. According to said article, Nigeria has lost roughly 400 billion USD since the 1960’s as a result of graft, which equals roughly 2/3 of all relief money sent to the entire continent during that span! In only slightly belated fashion, a few years ago Nigeria started an anti-corruption task force. However, the head of the group, Nuhu Ribadu, was doing his job a rittre too well, and after gathering some key evidence against some powerful figures, he coincidentally was forced to resign. Well played, Nigeria, way to set Africa back another decade! Does this sound awfully reminiscent of the Wire to anyone else?

This reminds me of an old World Bank joke, juxtaposing corruption in Africa and Asia, (Beware: this is one of those jokes that isn’t actually funny). While attending a summit at the United Nations, an Asian bureaucrat and an African government minister befriend one another, and invite each other to their respective mansions. While at the Asian’s home, the African diplomat inquires to his Asian counterpart as to how he was able to afford such a lavish abode. The Asian points out the window to a huge bridge, gives a toothy smile, points to himself, and simply says, “10 percent.” A few months later, the Asian ventures to the African politico’s home, and asks the same question. The African points out the window, and asks “Do you see that bridge?” His Asian homologue looks outside, sees nothing but barren savannah, and replies, “No?” The African simply smiles, points to himself, and mouths, “100 percent.” Remember that time, rast brog, when I was all like, let’s develop some sort of creative solution to unabashed African corruption? Internationally run (and funded with aid money that would just get lost in avaricious bureaucratic pockets anyway) anti-corruption task forces run in conjunction with the War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague! Perhaps if a few harsh examples are made, dictators will pay attention. Clearly, this is not by any means a perfect solution. But if some drunk louse is “ideating” this kinda shit on a weekly basis, imagine what people who are intimately knowledgeable of the graftgame could do! (ps, jurisdiction, schmurisdiction, beotch I make my own jurisdiction!)

-Though, the stick isn’t the only way to solve this problem; this very creative “carrot” ain’t so bad either. Maybe a little more publicity, and this idea might actually end up inspiring anti-corruption initiatives that produce tangible results from within African governments.

(WRITTEN JANUARY 22, 200