Lamentable French Notes

-The focal point of Lyon’s skyline is the Credit Lyonnais building, colloquially referred to as “le crayon” (the pencil), a forty story building that pierces the Central French sky. I personally think this giant copper monstrosity (there is no other building within 25 stories of the CL building) mars the traditional atmosphere exuded by the rest of Lyon. Lyon is your vintage European city, filled with cobblestone streets, innumerable churches, and countless traditionally French boutiques like charcuteries (stores that only sell pork products who I secretly suspect of financing Jean-Marie Le Pen’s political campaigns). Now CL is owned by Credit Agricole and the building is primarily a hotel which is why I say tear it down! (did I stay there? Of course, the view’s the shizzle!)

I just alluded to Jean-Marie Le Pen, and for those of you who don’t follow French politics as if your life depended on it, he’s the leader of France’s ultra-xenophobic Front National (FN) party. Imagine AIDS, cancer, and diarrhea all rolled into one and you have Jean-Marie Le Pen. He advocates abandoning the European Union and kicking out immigrants (he ran a campaign for President that loosely translates to down with the darkies). If Le Pen had his way, all Arabs and blacks would be kicked out. What about Eastern Europeans, they’re white? non, au revoir. What about his Catholic brethren the Portuguese? Nope, see ya. He’s like Hitler, except instead of desiring a populace consisting entirely of blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans, Le Pen wants everyone to have big noses and B.O. Not so shockingly, he’s denied the Holocaust on several occasions and claimed that the French National Team did not deserve its 1998 French World Cup, because the team was not French (it fielded mostly black players). And as a soldier in the French war against Algeria, he allegedly tortured captives on a regular basis. Want to hear the truly terrifying part? He came in second place in the 2002 French Presidential election, qualifying him to compete in the final run-off election. In what is a gross oversimplification of the French electoral process, the first round is a free-for-all, with candidates from each of France’s myriad political parties contending. The top two move on to the next round in a first-past-the-post election to determine the president (there’s no Electoral College or anything similar). Le Pen beat incumbent Prime Minister Lionel Jospin of the Socialist Party. But everybody in France is Socialist! This electoral coup was largely due to a fractured left and a consolidated right, but it is startling that almost 1/5 of French constituents were willing to back this despicable human being. This was an obvious manifestation of mounting tensions in bifurcated France between white French and France’s increasing immigrant population, who many white French blame for current economic troubles.

-A few weeks ago, a famous world city’s post office announced it would stop delivering mail to certain zip codes due to the pervasive danger in the area. Where was it? Lagos? Bogota? Los Angeles? Incorrect. It was Paris. The banlieus where immigrants live have transformed from, as French rapper Passi describes, neighborhoods reminiscent of a “historic” country to ones that are more like a desolate “African” one. The traditional immigrant communities have always been impoverished, but had resisted the culture of violence which is ubiquitous in American ghettos, largely because the Muslim communities never embraced the drug trade. Recently, with more non-Muslim immigrants entering the country, the drug trade is thriving in these banlieus and so is the violence that is inextricably linked to “the game.” A telling indication of the influence of the growing drugs in France is the fact that we are even beginning to see the glorification of drug culture in French music. The traditional French rap greats like Passi, IAM, Manau (a bunch of white dudes from Bretagne who rap over Celtic music about Gaelic tribal warfare…freaking awesome) and, of course, MC Solaar, never espoused drug trafficking in order to alleviate poverty. Most lamented the dismal conditions in suburban Paris, Lyon, and Marseille and racial tensions in France, but advocated government action to ameliorate the status quo, not supporting illicit activities to overcome poverty. Now, artists like “Le Criminal” (what a douche) lionize the easy riches and supposed good life of the drug game. Sound familiar to anyone? Like, perhaps, America? The next generation of immigrant adolescents will now be even less inclined to embrace education as a way to escape misery and will be far more likely to emulate the life that surrounds them on a daily basis; the life depicted in the lyrics of rap songs.

This Is Why I Am Not In Charge Of A Sovereign Fund

So the government of Dubai has recently embraced a few unorthodox investment strategies. And by unorthodox, I mean it was as if they entered the depths of my psyche, determined how I would spend 2 billion dollars, and decided to employ their funds accordingly. First, they put in a 1.2 billion USD bid for a European football club (Even though it was faggypants Liverpool, they’re on the right track!), and then they decided to build a 9 digit, multi-square mile replica of the city of Lyon…in Dubai! As the gastronomic capital of the world, Lyon was the natural choice. Personally, I think the rich, creamy, hearty cuisine of the Rhone Valley would be revolting in Dubai’s 120 degree Fahrenheit heat. Replete with gothic architecture, a culinary school, and even a soccer club (Olympique Lyonnais Oriental anyone?), they clearly intend for this replica to be a bizarro world version of the French original. My question is, for the sake of bizarro authenticity, does this mean they’re going to have Muslims living in downtown Lyon, and underpaid white people living in decrepit satellite towns just outside the city constantly rioting?! Count it!