21: Someone’s Vegas Is Showing

I saw the recently-released “21″ last night, and as a borderline blackjack addict, I found the movie wildly entertaining. Obviously, this is not an Oscar winner (unless next year’s award Academy Awards includes a “Most Badass Makeout Shot,” because Kate Bosworth in the Hard Rock Suite with the Vegas skyline in the background would have to be a nominee), but definitely worth the 8 bucks to see it in the theater.

Though amusing (the movie should really have been called “Vegas Montages.” There were no less than four with upbeat music playing in the background and this college kid winning cash by the barrel full: once again, hard not to like), Jesus Christ was it misleading. The movie a) made card counting seem relatively easy, (It’s not; I can do it for a few hands, but after drink number three, it’s a lost cause. It requires immense concentration; one fleeting glance at one of the ubiquitous, scantily-clad ladies of the night that call the casino floors home, and it’s all over), and b) misconstrued the advantage of a favorable count. Based solely on watching “21″ one would assume that when the deck is heavy (in the +15 to the +17 range), playing black jack is like free money. People, this isn’t betting on UNC against the Play-In Game winner. The odds rarely reach more than a percentage or two in the players’ favor. Yes, in the long run, the player who only plays big money on hot decks will walk away with cash, but in “21,” they showed the protagonist sit down when the table was loaded, throw down 10g’s and win stacks of chips effortlessly. All a +15 means is that there are a disproportionate number of high cards remaining (15 more to be exact) than low cards, which puts the odds slightly in favor of the player because blackjacks are more common and they pay 3:2. But, guess what? The dealer has access to these +15 too! In reality, some weekends (according to basic statistics) these folks would actually lose money!

Do you think the movie neglected going into detail on this subject haphazardly? Lord, no! Why? I have a theory: Vegas. This movie is going to make more money for the Las Vegas casinos than it will for the studio that produced the film. And why is this? Americans are many things, but one of our most exasperating traits is our desire to make tons of money in the laziest fashion possible and the ensuing gullibility that results whenever a get-rich-quick scenario is presented (For example, how many people in Los Angeles alone are writing a screenplay? Exactly). This would explain why the movie addressed the concept of card counting only in a superficial manner and oversimplified the strategy, so that now, intellectually sub-par Americans will believe they might actually be able to count cards and will inevitably lose their shirts in the process. Hell, I consider myself a relatively intelligent human being, and I left that theater with one thought on my mind: how quickly can I get to Vegas and what is my 2-day ATM max withdrawal (for the record: 2 weeks, 1 grand). How could I not? I just watched a kid making silly amounts of money over and over again for two hours. Yeah, it got stolen a couple of times, but the kid was retarded for hiding it in his ceiling and trusting other humans. For a misanthrope who has been looking for any excuse to set up a clandestine bank account in Grand Cayman, this would not be an issue for me. The point is, the movie was like a two hour infomercial (granted a very entertaining one) paid for by the Las Vegas Board of Tourism. And, I find it hard to believe that this is all a coincidence.

Review of Horton Hears A Who

I saw “Horton Hears A Who” this evening, and all I have to say is the movie would have been a lot funnier if it were “Horton Hears a Jew.” That is all.

(that is NOT offensive, and anyone claiming otherwise is ignant!)

If You Think “The Departed” Is The Best Film Ever Made, You Might Want To Read This

Last year, “the Departed” emerged from the Academy Awards ceremony with some quite notable victories, namely Best Picture and Best Director. However, many do not know that the film is based off of the 2002 Hong Kong film “Infernal Affairs.” I finally got around to watching the original this evening, and when they say based off of, it means they just made the movie New England themed instead of the original overwhelming atmosphere of Cantonese-ness. I’ll come right out and say it, had the Academy actually watched the original film, there is no way “the Departed” wins Best Picture, and, honestly, Best Director is a stretch, too. Ok, I’ve now gone and alienated every reader I might have had, but hear me out. Everything that is supposedly brilliant about Scorsese’s masterpiece becomes tainted upon viewing “Infernal Affairs.” It’s not just that the plots are identical; I have no qualms with that, because this was always supposed to be an Americanized version of the Hong Kong thriller. My problem is almost every shot in which the plot overlaps is identical. Remember all of those shots of the Boston skyline from the various rooftops and other points that people claimed were genius? They’re absolutely put to shame by the far more stunning skyscrapers of Hong Kong and its breathtaking, verdant mountains that spring up from the ocean. The rooftop scene where Martin Sheen dies? Identical (except the guy that dies is very Chinese in “Infernal Affairs”). The elevator scene towards the end? Check. Without a doubt, some of “the Departed” scenes were superior, like the one where Leo’s cast is shattered. But on the whole, the directing of “the Departed” lacked ingenuity. This is why I just don’t agree with Scorsese’s win: he did an admirable job of choosing locations and angles for his shots, but knowing that his conceptualization was based off of a pre-existing film with strikingly similar cinematography tarnishes his statue in my book.

In addition to the direction, I’d argue that other facets of the original were superior. Let’s look at the acting head-to-head; Andy Lau and Matt Damon play the role of the mole inside the police department, but the Hong Konger is able to more convincingly portray the calculating, cold-blooded IAD man. On the other side of the coin, Tony Leung and Leo DiCaprio play undercover cops who have infiltrated a gang. To be frank, both actors sold their tormented characters well. As for the mob bosses, the Chinese guy embodies a Hong Kong gangster far better than Jack did as a Bostonian one. I personally thougt Jack didn’t give it his all, and came off as a fairly poorly organized crime boss who didn’t look or act much more than a two-bit thief. Eric Tsang, on the other hand, is a vintage Chinese gangster: a portly control-freak obsessed with opulence and avarice. Unfortunately for Mister Mark Wahlberg, his character did not exist in “Infernal Affairs,” so even though he did a brilliant job, there’s no possible juxtaposition. In all, I feel that the aggregate acting in the original supersedes that of “the Departed.”

I’m convinced “the Departed” received so much acclaim because, unlike most movies created in America, it does not have the trite Hollywood ending. No, my friends, you’ve just been introduced to the Hong Kong/Shanghai ending: everybody but two or three people die. You can’t have everyone die, because then there’s no one left to mourn, and that would be a cop out. Rule of thumb: when watching a film made in America, expect the protagonist to win his dream girl in the end no matter how implausible; when watching a Chinese movie, assume that the protagonist will fall in love with a girl/boy, one of the two will die, the other will be miserable for the rest of his or her life. The end. “The Departed” was equally as formulaic as American cinema, the critics were just ignorant of the alternate formula!

Obviously, “Infernal Affairs” did not outstrip its American counterpart in every category. Even though IA had a ton of major stars from the Chinese diaspora like Tony Leung, Andy Lau, Kelly Chen (if you haven’t heard ‘Bu Ru Tiao Wu,’ you haven’t lived), Sammi Chen, Elva Hsiao (same goes for ‘Biao bai’) and Edison Chen (yes, THAT Edison Chen. The one who two-holed Gillian Chung), “the Departed” brought in a number of stars with true global reach. As well, the “Infernal Affairs” soundtrack was, for Hong Kong standards, pretty OK, but for the rest of the non-Asian world, it was pretty effing awful. The much more subtle “Departed” soundtrack far better suits its film. And, finally, no matter how obnoxious a Bostonian accent is, it’s at least nine times more pleasing to the ear than effing Cantonese.

Hey, it’s not all hate. “The Departed” did deserve one Oscar: Best Adapted Screenplay.

A Review of “Fool’s Gold” and “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.” How Can I Do This in One Entry? Because They Are the Same Fucking Movie!

Has anyone noticed that all Kate Hudson and Mathew McConaughey movies are exactly the same? The plot lines are identical; only the scenery varies. First, Kate and Matt are thrown into an absurd situation in which the two vow to not get attached to one another, because both have clandestine agendas (In “How To Lose A Guy,” Kate uses Matt to write a column, and Matt uses Kate to get an ad account, and in “Fool’s Gold” Matt uses Kate to finance his treasure hunt and Kate wants to get rich then move back to Chicago). Next, the protagonists end up convincing some very successful businessmen to agree to something completely ludicrous. [Presumably, both of these accomplished gentlemen have made fortunes doing pretty much the exact opposite of acquiescing to this sort of absurd scheme. (In “Fool’s Gold, ” the billionaire financier guy obviously had already found gold, and it was probably called betting against the Brazilian Real in the late 90’s.)]. After that, a series of events take place which bring the pair even closer together ensuring the two develop feelings for one another despite their best efforts. Meanwhile, their respective plans for global dominance (or rather “getting this super-important account” or “being able to write about super-important issues” or “finding super-important treasure”) are coming along quite nicely. Then, just as it appears as if everything will have a fairy tale ending, ruh-roh, black people intervene. Black people (in “How To” the black person is a scheming junior ad executive and in “Fool’s Gold” the black people are a Key West-based rapper-cum-gangster and his entourage) appear to thwart the plans of the white folks, because, apparently, black people hate to see good-looking white people succeed. Just when it seems as if all hope is lost and we’re doomed to a world of reparations and And1 clothing, the white people use their magical “honesty” powers, and everyone does the right thing. Finally, the Kate and Matt declare their undying love for one another and presumably have very, very attractive children. The end.

Sydney White: Even Though I Didn’t Pay To See The Movie, I’d Still Like A Refund

On my flight home from France, I had the distinct pleasure of watching the worst movie of the decade: “Sydney White” (played by Amanda Bynes). The synopsis went something like this: “A college freshman joins a sorority, only to find out its not all that it’s cracked up to be. So she decides to take on the system. A modern tale of college, with a fairy tail twist!” As soon as I read the blurb promoting the film in Continental’s in-flight magazine, one word came to mind: brog. A subversive and irreverent teenager takes on the university’s resident queen bitch: I smell a trite romantic comedy! This atrocious adaptation of Snow White sees Sydney White as a Freshman at some made up state school, where she is to pledge her (of course, dead) mother’s sorority. But, the sorority president is a MEANIE (her last name, Witchburn, the subtlety is off the charts!). Why is the president a meanie baldini (btw I don’t know who the actress was, but she was gorgeous, and Amanda Bynes is currently in the “troll” phase of her career)? Because Sydney was flirting with her ex-boyfriend (Take a wild guess what his last name is? Prince!)! And, obviously, Mr. Prince is not at all intrigued by the perfect ten Ms. Witchburn, and is, instead, enamored with Sydney “Dude, I think she may have Lyme’s disease” White. Well, Witchburn kicks Sydney out of the sorority for insubordination and slut’s her face has to live with the seven “dorks,” in the meantime. There, Sydney learns her lesson: that dorks are real people, too. Except they’re not! This was the LEAST accurate portrayal of college in the history of American cinema. This made Van Wilder look like a Discovery Channel documentary. For example, they did not show ANY alcohol consumption for the first hour. Even BYU-Main has more alcohol intake. There was also a troop of Hasidic Jews roving campus in traditional attire replete with the cute curls. The members of the only Jewish association on our campus were renowned for their roofie-tinis, and definitely not for their orthodoxy. The personalities of the seven “dorks” were even lamer. Of the seven dorks, one would only speak through a sock puppet (Bashful). I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but I had at least six friends who would only use a sock puppet to communicate at all times. Another was a Nigerian immigrant who had yet to get over jetlag and so he slept all day (Sleepy… given he was the only black person in the entire movie, our friends at Disney were dangerously close to an NAACP injunction). One still wore his cub scout uniform; because he couldn’t tie his shoe, he was unable to advance to Boy Scouts. Question: how was he able to gain admission to university? (Dopey). One constantly hit on Sydney but was obviously still a virgin (Creepy. Wait that wasn’t one of the seven dwarves? Ok I don’t know who they tried to make him, but I’m gonna call him Creepy). The only one who didn’t suck was Grumpy, but that’s only because he had a blog called the People’s Punisher, and his blog came up in conversation all the time and he got to make out with some goth chick. So yeah, needless to say, I could relate to his character. As well, I would say that their argument over who was cooler, pirates or ninjas, is something that would NEVER come up in college, but this kid Darsh tried at least once a month freshman year to engage in a serious dialogue on the subject (including during the Bucs’ only Super Bowl appearance, when he famously claimed that the game would be much cooler if they were all dressed up like ninjas. Darsh was not raised with organized sports. ), so I’ll give the writers a pass this time. Even worse, the only time they tried to make jokes, they employed lowest common denominator stuff, such as mocking Celine Dion, who was mentioned no less than three times (as a Rush rite of passage, Sydney was forced to sing Celine Dion, and this was considered a punishment worse than castration). Uhh, if singing Celine Dion is uncool, call me Steve Urkel. I sing Celine Dion’s “D’amour ou d’amitié” at least once a week while showering. And anyone who claims they don’t like the Titanic theme is kidding him or herself. She’s a talented woman, leave her alone! Meanwhile, Sydney decides to run for class president AND scores a date with Monsieur Prince. And where does he take her? The homeless shelter of course! Where he takes time from his busy schedule every week to volunteer! Like such a contrived date would work in real life. If I pulled a stunt like that, I’d get called a stingy cheapskate, get slapped in the face, and, if lucky, I’d get the opportunity for a do-over date at the city’s most expensive French restaurant. But this bitch TOTALLY fell for it. He didn’t get any action, but even Bynes’ deplorable acting couldn’t hide that she wanted his member afterwards. Oh, don’t worry, it gets worse. The queen bee sends her “the poison apple” virus, which deletes her thuper-duper important term paper, so she has to stay up all night before her big debate with Ms. Witchburn. But, no, she fell asleep in the library! Phew, the “Prince” finds her asleep, but she won’t get up! So what does he do to wake her up? The most obvious thing: invokes make out sesh time! Uh, I think you can get a restraining order for that? Plot-wise, thank God, Sydney gets to the debate in the nick of time. Since this is a Disney movie, she can’t just win the presidency; there has to be some sort of seminal moment where everyone in unison either slow claps or admits a fault. In this case we had the latter, when everyone admitted that they were secretly a dork, which included the Prince admitting he likes video games (gasp), a jock claiming he was a junior figure skating champion (ah!), Creepy admitting he’s a virgin (not a surprise), and sockboy triumphantly abandoning his puppet! I cried….because I was laughing so hard. This was the worst effing movie I’ve seen since Pearl Harbour. The Chicago Tribune sums it up perfectly claiming the film has the “vacuum-like ability to suck the fun out of a fairy tale.”

Thoughts on the Harry Potter series (cinema)

-In France, I have no cable (TV or Internet). Only three channels, and even the reception on those is mediocre at best. And it really is, as the cliché goes, a blessing in disguise. I end up reading constantly (I’ve finished two books already, and I’m a terribly slow reader). I swear I have read more books in my life in France than in America as a result of this dearth of distractions. We do, however, have a DVD player, but only with a limited collection of DVDs (€29.99 for a DVD? That’s like 400 dollars. No, thank you). Within the collection are some true classics (Heat, Goodfellas), some real howlers [7 Seconds with Wesley Snipes and Troie (Troy in French)] and, most importantly, a sizeable portion of the Harry Potter collection. For the record, I adore HP. I have read all of the books (actually, except for the first one because I’ve seen the movie so many times, I feel I wouldn’t have the patience at this point) and own at least one copy of every movie (I have three copies of the second film in three different regions. I’m that cool). Stemming from my myriad viewings, I have slowly begun to watch the films in a, to use an en vogue economic/historically railroad-related term, “decoupled” fashion. Some of the lines in this movie are fucking hilarious. Like when Filch, the caretaker, while lamenting the advent of less stringent punishment at Hogwarts, wistfully informs first year, 11-year old students: “God, I miss the screaming.” How sadistically brilliant! Or in the second film, the nurse gives Harry a potion in an attempt to regrow Harry’s bones after an unfortunate Quidditch accident and an even more inept magician trying to heal them. Harry takes a sip and immediately spews it all over everyone in his general vicinity. What is the nurse’s reaction: “Well, what did you expect? Pumpkin Juice!” Yes. That is EXACTLY what I expected.