Down to One Euro 2008 prediction :(

So my friend, with a new code name (Poophead McVaginapants) decided to discontinue his association with such an incendiary blog.  BOOOOOOOO!
Group A:

-With the Czechs, it’s likethey’re halfway to the geriatric institution. It’s like team osteoporosis out there. Not to mention, their best player is injured (RoSICKy…. oooh awful). I don’t think you’re going to see any of the electric performances (like vs the netherlands in 04 or the US in ‘06) that we’ve come to associate with Slovokia’s better half.
- We have a predisposition to consider the swiss a rame footballing side, because they simply don’t have the tradition. But if you look at their results over the past six years (Round of 16 in the WC even if it was out of a sub-par group), this is a side who has consistently qualified for big tournaments, and with an increase in lower-class immigrants (read: not Saudi princes and oil sheikhs, the only other immies you used to find en Suisse), a larger talent base (if you think bankers sons are pursuing a career like football, perhaps its time to put down the crack pipe) you’re looking at a legitimate side. The same CANNOT be said for Austria. More on them later. Back to the Swiss, I think they’ve got a shot at progressing against a weaker than usual czech side and an overrated…
-Turkey. Not that good. The old guard for Turkey (the Belozoglus and Basturks of the world) are either gone or a shadow of themselves. This team bears little resemblance to the team that won 3rd place in 2002. I just havent been impressed, and Turkey away from the Ataturk is considerably less intimidating. The one thing they have going for them is they will have a large supporter base (the Turkish influx has spilled over to svizzera and autriche).
-Portugal. What a bunch of asshats. I can’t believe Nike is forcing Portugal on the American fanbase as the team to support with their “Come dance with the Portugese” campaign. If there’s ANY team Americans in general will not take a liking to, its a bunch of classless divers. Americans’ number two complaint about soccer (other than “lack of goals”) is diving. And Nike thinks its a good idea to stake their marketing claim on a team that’s the most egregious diving side on the planet? Obviously, they’re trying to take advantage of Cristiano Ronaldo’s popularity, but I think they’re underestimating the resentment factor. Also, Americans despise cheaters (lookin at you Bill Beeelicheck!) and considering half of this team was a part of the Porto side that was just recently implicated in a ref bribingscandal, I think Nike’s choice looks even worse. This does not change the fact that they’ll run away with the group and that Ricardo Carvalho might be the most overrated defender on the planet. Can’t wait to see him and Ronaldo crying after the semis.

Progressing: Portugal/Switzerland
Most entertaining: Portugal/Turkiye

Group B

I was furious when it was announced that Austria was hosting (and hence an automatic bid). No team that has not QUALIFIED for a major tournament in my lifetime should be given an automatic bid. Much to my chagrin, since the world doesn’t revolve around moi, we could set twenty years as a solid guideline. In the future, UEFA please take this into consideration. Anyone want to make a side bet? Number of goals for Austria? I say one. (Side story, some kid once told me that Austria was good as France because right after the WC in 98 France played a firendly in Vienna with half the first teamers missing and the game finished 2-2. What an r-tard)
-Well, we know for sure that every other team will get at least three points. I wouldn’t be surprised where a situation arises like that of Ireland/Cameroon/Germany/Saudi in 2002, where goal differential against the “paraplegic team” determines which teams progress from the group (Cameroon only beat Saudi 1-0, so Ireland had to win by more than two). I predict such a scenario will come to fore between Croatia and Poland..and behind the aforementioned Smolarek, the Poles progress with a 4-0 drubbing of Austria compared to Croatia’s measly 4-1 victory over Austria.
-Germany should walk away with the group but I think they’re a tad overrated and will not make the finals. Ballack, more like Ballsack! (how have we never thought of that before?)
Most Interesting Match: Germany/Poland is always interesting. It’s like Georgetown/George Washington. Poland (GW) thinks its a rivalry (on a geopolitical and footballing scale) but Germany (Georgetown) rarely even admits that the other exists because Poland/GW is vastly inferior in every single measurable statistic (except for arable farmland/Jappy sluts)

Group C: Wow. Just wow. The phrase “Group of Death” is thrown around often without merit, but this time its certainly deserved. Hey, thank God UEFA changed the rules JUST in time to include FIFA rankings before the group draw….oooh wait, no they didnt. Austria as a one seed and France as a four. Platini is running the fucking show, you’d think he would’ve remedied this situation. Anyway, you have three teams that are members of European football’s elite along with a perennial gatecrasher. Echoing Jangles sentiments, this is football at its finest.
-France, obviously, has my heart. At one point during the friendly against Paraguay, France fielded SEVEN OL players and Flo Malouda. NBD. Some would say its not coincidental that France drew….erroneous! In fact, I’m quite happy with France’s dismal form prior to Euro 2008, because, as you will recall, it was even worse in 2006, but all it means is they need a little time to warm up in order to peak just in time for the knockouts. Oh, and if you haven’t heard of Karim Benzema yet, you will. In Lyon’s deciding match for the title, he scored in 30 SECONDS! He good. You all know how I feel about France, so i dont need to continue..
-But Italy, Jesus. The enmity that Jangles’ posseses for France is slightly less than mine for the Italian national side. Its odd, because I worship Italian culture and cuisine, but I DESPISE their calcio (still harboring resentment from WC 2006? You betcha). My arsenal of Italian swear words could come in quite handy…or could land me in a Taiwanese prison. We’ll see! Anyway, I can guarantee you that any mention of “Materazzi” will be followed with a spiteful “coglione.” My disdain aside, Italia is a tad overrated. Now with Cannavaro out, there defense may not be strong as it traditionally is. Italy might struggle to find their identity with a lot of the old guard retiring, and a new wave of players attempting to make their mark. They need to find it quickly, otherwise it could be an early exit from the tourney.
-I think the Netherlands look dangerous. Dangerous wingers like Wesley Sneijeijjder and Arjjjen Robben are incredibly talented, and they have the ultimate cherry picking dangerman: Ruud Van Nistelrooijjj. And they have a dangerous player named Orlando…who will be referred to from here on out as Jamlando. Botom line: they look dangerous.
-Poor Romania, had an incredible qualifying run, but were rewarded for their efforts with a semifinalist from 2004 and the two finalsists from 2006. Ruh-roh! Sorry, Romania…even with your dynamic offense, your propensity for inhaling substances, and your laissez-faire approach to EU regulations, you’ll be lucky to get a point.
-Progressing: France, Nederlands
Best game: The third rematch since july 9th, 2006. Can Sidney Govou score a double again? I think so.

Group D

Greece=humiliation. Austria and Greece will be vying for the “most ignominious exit” award
-I’m intrigued by Russia. They’ve played well over the past year or so (Zenith, UEFA Cup winners, provides a lot of the NT talent, we’ll see if they can translate this club success onto the international stage) and I think they could provide some excitement in a group this weak (especially because Spain is prone to mental lapses).
-Sweden is a shadow of themselves avec an over the hill Freddie “i like men” Ljungberg and a flat-lining Henrik Larsson, I see them struggling to progress.
-Spain: Call me crazy, but I think this is Spain’s year. I think they draw with Russia because of a mental lapse, but I think they could win it all IF THEY GET PAST THE QUARTERS. A Spain trip to the semifinals=a championship. Honestly, a first round defeat or a championship, neither would surprise me.
Progressing: Russiya and Spain
Best match: Russiya/Spain

I dont know how the bracket is working, but I’d have to say the four teams I think are the most likely semifinalists or the Ports, the Spicies, the Frogs, and the Hitlers (just because of linguistic solidarity from the host countries).

Contingency pick: If Spain makes the semis, they will win. If Spain does not, France wins. Allez les bleus!!

Leading scorer: Raul! (jajajajaja). In all seriousness, Miroslav Klose. He has quite the nose for scoring goals in major tournaments, and with a weak slate for Germany in the first round, he could very easily have a tally of three or four goals before the second round begins. However, if Klose continues to win these sorts of awards, they will have to change the name of the trophy from the Golden Boot to something that more accurately reflects his preferred method of scoring: head. Perhaps the Kim Kardashian trophy?

That’s all. Be champions.

What We Learned From The Champions League Final

Not only was the Champions League final incredibly entertaining, but also unequivocally informative. The intense scrutiny and pressure of this match allowed the us, the spectators, a rare glimpse into the innermost depths of a football player’s psyche.

-As I’ve discussed with a few of my readers, Cristiano Ronaldo’s penalty routine is borderline retarded. If memory serves correctly (at least this was the case in my youth), a player’s momentum was not allowed to stop in the run-up to a penalty shot. Has this rule been altered or was this a rule in suburban America only? The strategy of stopping and then shooting is not terrible if the keeper isn’t cognizant of the planned ruse. If he’s ign’ant, he’ll dive before the shot is taken, allowing the penalty kick taker to shoot into a wide-open net. But an experienced keeper like Cech had done his homework, he didn’t bite on the fake, forcing Ronaldo to fire a weak penalty. Against a keeper the quality of Cech, one can’t afford to fool around. I must say, my heart did go out to Cristiano Ronaldo after his penalty miss. For once, he not only looked like he would cry, he actually DID cry. I’m sure his boyfriend’s heart just crumbled, only do be humpty-dumptied a few minutes later.

-The Brog officially despises penalty shoot-outs. It only makes goats, not heroes. I remain an advocate of unlimited golden goal (even though many soccer purists don’t care for it) with no penalties on the horizon. I felt so awfully for John Terry. He played a magnificent game, and kept Chelsea’s hopes alive with a brilliant clearance off the line in extra time. However, he clearly missed the class about central defenders not aiming for the upper 90 on penalty kicks. The poor guy apparently remained inconsolable for days. Hey, at least he has Euro 2008 to take things off his mind. Oh, wait, oooooh awkward…

-Paul Scholes, by winning a Champions League (and actually playing in the final), deserves to be included in Eric Cartmnan’s all-time great gingers pantheon.

-My friend Rodd informed me of something I found to be quite peculiar, that I only believed after confirming it with multiple reliable sources. Did you know that Chelsea and Manchester United are actually allowed to field British players?! They just choose not to! I had no idea.

-As soon as Anelka botched his penalty, we all knew this would be Avram Grant’s last game in charge. Even taking into account Jewish solidarity, Abramovich doesn’t settle for long. Settling for second is not what got him to the top of Gazprom. Settling is what got him his first wife, and as soon as he could upgrade, he dumped that bitch for the hottest sluts in Moskva. Compared with the charismatic, lithe Mourinho, the portly Grant didn’t stand a chance.

-Owen Hargreaves has the best tailor on the team. We were all thinking it.

-Nemanja Vidic is a fine central defender, but he missed his true calling; the man was born to be a bouncer. Picture him in a black turtleneck, an earpiece, and a clipboard. That would be a far more natural look for this Serb. You could tell his concentration was drifting in the final, knowing he was in the bouncing capital of the world due to the myriad prestigious nightclubs in Moscow. He wouldn’t be the first central defender based in England to make the transition to bouncer; Sol Campbell did a fine job of bouncing in the cult-classic “Snatch.” Remember this in ten years, if you’re attending a rave in a Manchester warehouse or one of Belgrade’s waterfront night clubs, and you see a hulking figure that looks like a certain former Manyoo defender, your eyes will not be deceiving you.

-Finally, we learned that Didier Drogba is easily the game’s biggest pimp. He already had the pimpest hairdo (shoulder length, straightened black hair is not easy to pull off for a young African male), but he reaffirmed his stature with an act that many of the pundits lamented as rash and inexplicable. Disagree! It was effing brilliant! The aforementioned Vidic had infuriated Didier (probably threatened to not let him into the club), and as opposed to decking him, Drogba PIMP SLAPPED him! In the biggest game of Drogba’s career to date, he opted to defend his reputation (biggest pimp) rather than keep his cool (which is for pussies anyway) even though it could potentially (and did) cost his team the title. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts wearing gloves, just so he could remove one glove, to make any future slaps even more humiliating for the slapee. Either way, it was a fitting ending for the temperamental Drogba’s career at Stamford Bridge.

The Billionaire Football Owners Club Update

Because I’m a weirdo, I like to pretend that various world leaders are actually good friends behind the scenes. Some of my favorite pairings are as follows: Vlad Putin and Angela Merkel (austere), George W. and Christina Kirchner (both rove steak), Megawati and Helen Clark (androgynous), and of course, Thaksin Shinawatra and Silvio Birlusconi. I am entirely convinced these two are total bffs. Five years ago, each was an embattled head of state and the wealthiest individual in their respective countries; both were entangled in legal battles directly stemming from inquisitions concerning the acquisition of said wealth (and both actively attempted to manipulate the law to their advantage); and, now, both are owners of prominent European football clubs. You can’t tell me that these two have never shot the shit over a bottle of sambucca and/or a few bowls of pad thai.

Well, my suspicions were further augmented this week when Silvio Birlusconi proclaimed that the asking price for Ronaldinho was too expensive for Sivlio’s club, AC Milan. I find this difficult to imagine as a club the stature of AC Milan has expansive cash reserves to the point where virtually no individual is too pricey. I have a theory: there are purportedly only three clubs in the running for the former World Player of the Year’s services, one of them being Shinawatra’s Manchester City, a much smaller club than AC Milan and Internazionale (the third club). Even though Ronnie’s been benched over the past few months in Catalonia, Man City would have only a minimal chance of signing a player of Ronaldinho’s class unless the other competitors dropped out of the running. Not to mention AC Milan already has the creative talents of Kaka and Pato, which would make the signing of Ronaldinho more or less redundant; but could it be that Silvio’s just doing a favor for a friend? I’d like to think so.

In other (related) news, the oligarchs of European football are in the process of welcoming a new member into their exclusive club: currency speculator George Soros, who is in takeover talks with AS Roma. On the surface, one would think that Thaksin Shinawatra would have major qualms with Soros’ ascension into their illustrious club (and might theoretically persuade Silvio into annulling the deal; as PM of Italia, this is at his discretion); after all, Soros was the man singlehandedly responsible for bringing down the Thai economy in 1997 with his gigantic hedges against the Thai Baht and all but forcing the Thai government to float their currency. Incorrect! Allegedly, Thaksin Shinawatra bet heavily against the Baht only a few days before the flotation thanks to some insider information, AND the depleted economy paved the way for his (ironically) populist party, Thai Rak Thai, to win handsomely in the following election. So, in the event of a Man City/Roma CL matchup in the next few years, one would expect an amicable, goulash-filled affair between the two club owners; but don’t expect Roma to play any exhibition matches in Thailand, where Soros is frequently disparaged as an economic terrorist. Franklin Foer desperately needs to release an updated version of “How Soccer Explains the World,” because, along with their boy Roman Abramovich, this is some pretty compelling shit.

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE RECAP

As predicted, this round of ties, with the notable exception of the Brittania derby, was rather disappointing. Both Barcelona and Manchester United had one foot in the door after first leg wins on the road, and the Fenerbahce-Chelsea matchup was a flattering scoreline for the Turks. An interesting note: all 4 teams that played at home in the second leg advanced. Onto the recap:

Aggregate: FC Schalke 04 0 - 2 FC Barcelona

This foray into the quarters marked the Rhineland side’s first trip this deep in the tournament and unfortunately for the Gazprom-sponsored boys, they were unable to progress any further. The team from Gelsenkirchen should keep their heads high, though, as they never looked intimidated by either the legacy of such a formidable club or the high-powered Catalan offense. In the first leg, Schalke was never able to create full chances and were resigned to relying on shots from distance and half chances to put one in the back of the net. Schalke’s hopees were dashed early after Thierry Henry found Bojan Krkic wide open after the Frenchman had had his initial shot parried. Though only in the eleventh minute, this marked the end of the first leg scoring. On the return trip to Barcelona, Schalke hardly looked intimidated by the fact that they were down a precious away goal, and Gerald Asamoah and Kevan Kuranyi (with those last names, how could they not be German?) were unlucky not to net an away goal for Schalke. It was not the German’s night however, and on the stroke of halftime, Ivorian midfielder Yaya Toure (yes relation to Kolo. Those Toures of Abidjan had quite the knack for child naming) put the home side up for good. Toure is not exactly known for his goalscoring prowess, and it showed in his finish, as he bumbled the ball into the net. This effectively ended the German side (evil)’s chances, and good prevailed. (My prediction: FC Schalke 1 - 3 FC Barcelona)

Aggregate: AS Roma 0 - 3 Manchester United

Manchester United reaffirmed the Brog’s assertion concerning the British side’s seemingly infallible nature with this performance against i Giallorossi. Roma played valiantly in the first leg at home, but were unable to control the mercurial Cristiano Ronaldo, who thundered home one of the most powerful headers I’ve ever seen. Later, Wayne Rooney would take advantage of a miscommunication between the keeper Doni and central defender Phillipe Mexes to poke home United’s second away goal. Though United superstars played admirably, my man of the match would have been Park Ji-sung, and not just because I’m in love with all things Korean. Park Ji-sung, a surprise inclusion to almost everyone, including the omniscient Tommy Smyth (kidding!), turned in an industrious performance, as his hustle frustrated the Italians all night long and played an integral role in both goals. The return leg was billed to be a stroll in the park for the Mancunians (evident by the fact that Sir Alex left key players like Cristiano Ronaldo on the bench), but they came out of the gate furiously, and were truly unlucky to not score in the first fifteen minutes. After a slow start, Roma began to make some overtures towards goal, and in a moment of complacency by the United defense, Wes Brown brought down Mancini in the box, and the ref duly pointed to the spot. In a bit of karmic retribution, Daniele de Rossi (in the Brog’s opinion, one of the most classless players in calcio) soared the penalty over the bar, much to the relief of the United faithful. As well, this puts to bed any contentions that Roma were better off without Totti, because I find it hard to believe that the Roma captain would have missed such a crucial penalty. A score for Roma at this juncture would have changed the complexion of the tie entirely; however, the miss appeared to completely demoralize the side, and Roma rarely looked as if they’d mount a comeback after that point. United continued to pressure, and solid wing play from Canuck-born Owen Hargreaves (I wonder why he opted to play for the English national team? Hmm…) eventually led to an inch-perfect cross that Argentinian forward Carlos Tevez (as you’ll recall, a member of team handsome) flicked home, ensuring Manchester’s progression into the next round. (My prediction AS Roma 2 - 5 Manchester United).

Aggregate: Fenerbahce 2 - 3 Chelsea FC

Don’t be fooled by the scoreline, this game was nowhere near as close as it appears. Chelsea dominated the opening half of the first leg in Istanbul, and were unfortunate to only score once, as most pundits claimed they should have scored three or four. Their inefficiency in front of goal would lead to some worrisome moments for the wealthy west London side, because in the second half, English-born Kazim Kazim would break the Chelsea offside trap, followed by Deivid making amends for his previous own goal with a stunning 30-yard wundergoal to give the Turks the lead going into the return leg. Chelsea, undaunted by the fact they had to score, easily broke through the Fener defense and went into the lead in the fourth minute. Chelsea largely tooled the Asian club for the rest of the match, scoring an insurance goal near the end of regular time to book their place in the semifinal. (My prediction: Fenerbahce 1 - 4 Chelsea).

Aggregate: Arsenal 3 - 5 Liverpool

Everyone who follows the beautiful game knew that this matchup would be enthralling, but I don’t think anyone could have predicted the action that took place in the last 20 minutes at Anfield (actually, I take that back; if any team has a flair for the late, dramatic goal, it’s Liverpool). The first leg was a very cagey encounter with both sides attempted to feel the other out. Arsenal enjoyed the lion’s share of chances, but were only able to put away one goal, courtesy of the lanky Emmanuel Adebayor. Liverpool responded almost immediately with the workmanlike Kuyt able to turn the ball into the net after a brilliant run from that scouser Gerrard. Controversy was the name of the game later in the match when Hleb was tugged and brought down by Kuyt, though the referee adjudged that it was not worthy of a penalty. The first leg saw Liverpool leaving the Emirates with a slight advantage given their away goal. Arsenal began the second leg undeterred, and reclaimed the lead early in the match through a rare goal from Abou Diaby which canceled out Liverpool’s away goal. However, Liverpool’s Champions League pedigree became manifestly apparent when longtime defensive stalwart Sami Hyypia scored a brilliant header from 15 metres over an extended Cesc Fabregas on post duty. With the match all square, both sides probed conservatively, hoping to find a winner. Halftime came and went; my friends and I agreed this game reeked of extra time. This is why we are not professional soccer pundits, because in the 70th minute, the brilliant Fernando Torres created a goalscoring opportunity by outmaneuvering multiple Arsenal defenders and beat Arsenal’s keeper with a perfect strike into the top corner of the net. This was by no means the end of the action; Arsenal’s cerebral manager wisely introduced the youthful quickness of Theo Walcott into the match, and his effect on the match was immediate and undeniable. His pace wreaked havoc on the Liverpool defense; his sublime run in the 85th minute spanned half of the field and set up the prolific Adebayor to put away an easy shot, tying the match at 2-2 and putting Arsenal ahead on the away goals rule. Liverpool took advantage of the Arsenal players delirium with a quick restart, and not a minute later, Dutchman Ryan Babel was weaving his way through the box and fell to the ground. Penalty, and a dubious one at that. Normally, I think that comparing one refereeing decision to that of another referee in a different game is an argument without merit, but in this case, I contest it’s different, because Arsenal were NOT awarded a penalty in the previous leg, when the foul on the Arsenal player (Hleb) was far more egregious than the one on Ryan Babel. Since, essentially, it’s the same game, I feel the referee should have taken this into consideration and refrained from whistling Kolo Toure for the foul. As well, one hates to see the referee be the deciding factor in a match of this much importance, when a laissez-faire attitude would have been completely acceptable in this situation. Granted, Steven Gerrard still had to convert his penalty; not surprisingly for a player of his class, he buried it. In the dying minutes, Arsenal pressed their entire squad forward hoping for an unlikely winner, but this left them gravely susceptible to counter-attacks. In the second minute of extra time, the pacey Ryan Babel found himself in a one-on-one with the keeper as a result of the opposition’s requisite all-out offensive strategy; the Dutchman was able to put the ball away, officially ending Arsenal’s Champions League dream. (My prediction: Arsenal 3 - 2 Liverpool).

Look for a preview of next round later this week, ciao!

I’m a Proponent of the Away Goals Rule, But This Is Just Ludicrous…

The initial rounds of CONCACAF World Cup Qualifiers began this weekend which featured a smattering of the world’s worst football teams.  No, really. That’s not hyperbole. Montserrat, USVI, and Aruba are tied for 202nd place in the FIFA rankings.  This was in no way shape or form decent or even watchable football. One of these matchups saw the Bahamas take on the British Virgin Islands. However, the BVI’s stadium did not meet FIFA standards to host an international match, so both legs had to be played in Nassau. In the first game on New Providence Island, the Bahamas were designated the home team and the match ended in a 1-1 draw. In the second game, still in the Bahamian capital, the British Virgin Islands were designated the home team, and the match ended 2-2. The sensible resolution would be extra time and, if necessary, penalties. However, CONCACAF regulations stipulated that, in the case of a tie over two legs, the team with the most away goals prevails, even though in this case, the Bahamas advanced on the away goals rule despite playing both games in their home stadium!

Champions League Quarterfinals Preview:

Last round, we were treated to a number of intriguing ties; unfortunately, this set of fixtures seems a lot less likely to produce a thrilling, close match the likes of Fenebahce/Sevilla, Arsenal/Milano, OL/ManU, or Schalke/Porto. Only one of the upcoming ties does not have a clear cut favorite; the other three, though they may not be absolute routs, are rather unlikely to spawn an epic Champions League encounter. Onto predictions (ALL SCORES AGGREGATE….BERRY!)

-Liverpool vs. Arsenal: We’ll start with by far the most scintillating match-up of the round. Both of these sides enter the Quarters in fine form on both the domestic and European fronts. Liverpool emerged triumphant in the Merseyside derby over Everton on the weekend and 10-man Arsenal managed to come back from 2 behind on the road to defeat Bolton and keep their increasingly slim title hopes alive. Last round, both sides were able to eliminate imposing Milanese opposition in remarkable fashion. ‘Pool was able to beat the current table-toppers of Serie A Internazionale by a resounding three goals, and Arsenal thoroughly beat i Rossoneri of Milan by a margin of 2-0 though the Lombardia side was fortunate that the differential was not greater. Both sides are playing fantastic Continental football at this point, and given their minimal chances at the Premiership crown (in particular Liverpool, and given ManU’s current form, Arsenal may need Providential support to claim the EPL this year), both sides will view this as their most likely chance to bring home a major trophy. Champions League pedigree also provides little help in differentiating these teams as both have appeared in the final of this competition in the past two years. Both teams should not struggle to find the net, as in-form strikers Torres and Adebayor for Liverpool and Arsenal are the second and third leading scorers in the Premiership, (double) respectively. Obviously, prognosticating a clear-cut favorite is impossible; however, my gut tells me Arsenal will win. Arsenal has simply played superior football this year. Last round, Liverpool was able to progress by beating a team that notoriously bows out early in the Champions League. Now, they’ll have to face a team who went into the San Siro undaunted by the task of having to eliminate last year’s winners to make it to the next round. Will Steven Gerrard and his Liverpudlian friends make it interesting? Of course. But look for the steadfast Gallas to win that battle more times than not, and for the effervescent Cesc to produce another sublime performance worthy of Arsenal lore. Liverpool 2 - 3 Arsenal

-Manchester United vs. AS Roma: For the amount of praise I heap upon Manchester United, you could easily misconstrue the Brog author as a “Manc.” However, such is not the case, and as the rhyme goes, that makes me a “wank.” This does not change the fact that I think they’re playing the best football in the world right now. This weekend, the Mancunians dismantled a decent Aston Villa side 4-0 to consolidate their lead atop the tables. Cristiano Ronaldo continues to make a mockery of Premiership defenses; his goal scoring prowess (he leads the EPL with 26 and has 35 in all competitions) has reached such astronomical levels, it’s gotten to the point that it’s noteworthy if he doesn’t score (Note: Cristiano Ronaldo doesn’t even play striker!). Does Roma have the defensive talent to stop Ronaldo, let alone Nani, Tevez, and Rooney? I say no. As I’ve said before, Cicinho is too offensive-minded and Mexes is too error-prone. If Roma stands a chance, they’ll have to play an extremely conservative back four (and that means omitting the dynamic Cicinho, undeniably an offensive weapon, but too much of a liability at the back against a side as strong as ManU, from the starting 11). Roma’s chances were further dented when it was announced that captain Francesco Totti will unlikely be fit by Tuesday. As their primary creative force, Roma might struggle to find goal scoring chances without their talisman. If Roma does have one advantage in this game, it’s the revenge factor: last year at this exact stage, ManU utterly annihilated i Giallorossi 8 to 3, including a 7-1 humiliation at Old Trafford. If Roma is to win this match, they will have to convert every feasible half chance and feed off of the desire to make amends for last year’s ignominious exit. Likely? I don’t think so. Manchester United 5 - 2 AS Roma

Chelsea vs. Fenerbahce- Chelsea has once again been gifted an easy draw and a clear path to the Semifinals (there’s a rumor that the draw was fixed; the correct draw appeared on a message board an hour before the draw took place, and bookies around London refused to take bets on the outcome..hmmmm). A couple of friends have warned me about drawing conclusions too quickly about this tie (not how it was determined, that was obviously fixed; but who will win remains to be seen) and that a trip to Istanbul is never easy. I have to agree, when its a trip to the Ataturk stadium; but trips by major clubs to stadiums in Anatolia has not proven that difficult in recent years (Milan won there 4-0 and Lyon won 3-1 at the Sukru Saracoglu Stadium; ManU did lose there, but in a game with little meaning). As well, Chelsea has entered hostile territory (namely Piraeus in the last round) and has survived. Furthermore, Chelsea’s Champions League strategy has not exactly been rocket science. They play for draws on the road, and bring down the hammer at Stamford Bridge to advance in convincing fashion. Fenerbahce won’t be able to take advantage of Chelsea in Istanbul because Chelsea will employ uber-dull conservative tactics and convince themselves that they are content returning to Britain with a goalless draw. The odds of a Fener progression are quite slim; they were able to beat a Sevilla side who were fellow CL knockout round debutants, but against a seasoned, deep side like Chelsea, the Turks will be lucky not to endure a historical embarrassment; Mateja Kezman will also hope to put in his first ever decent performance at Stamford Bridge. Chelsea 4 - 1 Fenerbahce

-FC Barcelona vs. FC Schalke 04- Hey, look, no British teams! The media will often portray a meeting between two teams with drastically different team character images as a battle of “good versus evil,” (a story line used ad nauseum this year with the Patriots and the Colts/Giants) but for once we have two teams that deserve this comparison (though not because of a team’s cavalier/badboy/arrogant attitude) and nobody is bloody talking about it! Schalke is sponsored by Gazprom, the Russian oil conglomerate that clawed its way to the top through (”alleged”) extortion, racketeering, torture, and murder. While the German side thrives on the blood money of kleptocrats, their Catalan counterpart actually pays money to be sponsored by UNICEF, the UN charity that helps underprivileged children throughout the third world (do not ask the Brog about this, as he will gush for no less than ten minutes about how this was the classiest development in sports over the past decade). Helping AIDS-infected African orphans or aiding ruthless oligarchs in their plot for world domination, one European football team at a time? Tough choice. And that doesn’t merit a “good versus evil” comparison?! Oh, and I have football arguments to back my decision, too! Barcelona is easily the most offensively talented side in the world. Though Schalke plays a physical, defensive game, Barcelona has fared well against these types of teams all season (think: Rangers/Celtic last round). Barcelona is susceptible to complacency (they lost to lowly Real Betis on the weekend), and Schalke must capitalize on any whiff of disinterest from Barcelona. The Brog does not think this will be a walkover, but finds it difficult to believe that Schalke will prevail, as the mercurial attackers of Barcelona, including the likes of Henry, Eto’o, Iniesta, and Bojan (Messi and Ronnie are supposed to miss the match), are virtually impossible to contain, and Schalke’s strikeforce, in spite of Kuranyi’s considerable class in front of goal, will find it difficult to keep up. Barcelona 3 - 1 FC Schalke

Recap: Manchester United vs. Olympique Lyonnais

Manchester United advanced to the Quarterfinals of the Champions League by defeating perennial French champions Olympique Lyonnais at Old Trafford on Tuesday. While many expected an offensive showdown (including yours truly), the defenses of both sides dominated the affair with stellar play. Captain Ferdinand and his central defensive partner created a seemingly impenetrable fortress that allowed Lyon only one real chance over the ninety minutes. Lyon’s defense welcomed this season’s captain, defensive stalwart Cris, back into the lineup. Cris demonstrated no signs of rust and he and Frenchman Toto Squillaci played flawlessly in the back, limiting Manchester United’s chances and shut down Manchester United’s strikeforce Wayne Rooney and Carlos Tevez (aka “Team Handsome”). As predicted, Cristiano Ronaldo made the difference. Lyon defender Francois Clerc misjudged a corner, and Cristiano Ronaldo maintained his composure to put his side ahead.

Manchester United had the lion’s share of the possession in the first half, holding the ball in Lyon’s half for long stretches of time, but were unable to outfox Cris and Squillaci, whereas the Lyonnais offense looked listless. Other than a few set pieces and a rocket from Kim Kallstrom, Lyon was unable to create anything remotely resembling a chance. The second half commenced, and it looked as if OL’s mentality had changed. The offense looked far less vapid, as Juninho, Ben Arfa, Govou, and Benzema looked sprightly. Unfortunately, after roughly the 60^th minute mark, OL seemed to slip into a complacent mode. Coach Alain Perrin wisely introduced the mercurial Abdelkader Keita. The Ivorian winger looked lively with some brilliant interchanges with his Lyonnais teammates, in particular a one-two with Karim Benzema that resulted in Keita firing against the post, the closest Lyon came to scoring. However, the last ten minutes were truly disappointing, as the Rhône-Alpes side appeared to lack the impetus of motivation and were unable to progress to the next round.

Man of the Match: Lyon’s central defender Cris. Cris, who has only played in one match in the past six months, stymied Wayne Rooney, not an easy task especially after such a long absence. As well, there was nothing he could do about the goal scored. Speaking of, Cristiano Ronaldo comes in a close second. His goal was obviously decisive, and his first twenty minutes were spectacular, but he was a non factor for the rest of the match. As well, in the last few minutes , wide spaces opened up as Lyon pressed more men forward, but Ronaldo was unable to exploit these gaps. In all, CR7 produced a good performance, but not a spectacular one.

Biggest Disappointment: Juninho. If Olympique Lyonnais were to win this tie, Juninho would have to be an integral contributor. Unfortunately for the Lyonnais faithful, Juninho simply didn’t show up. In the first half, he did produce a great coup-franc from about 45 metres, but it was cleared without much fanfare by the Manchester defense. In the second half, when Lyon needed him the most, Juninho did not construct any meaningful build-ups. The onus, as captain of the side, of creating a goal was on his shoulders, and when the opportunity presented itself in the form of a 30-metre free kick, Juninho let loose arguably his worst of the year, letting it sail deep into the crowd. Juninho is a magnificent player, and was absolutely fundamental to everything Lyon has achieved this decade, but his performance this evening was lamentable. Later this week: Lyon’s European Eulogy.

Preview: Manchester United vs. Olympique Lyonnais

Tomorrow’s clash at Old Trafford looks to be another enthralling match up between two European football powerhouses. I’m here to offer a few opinions on potential outcomes of tomorrow’s match and highlight some key match-ups for both clubs.

ManYoo: Obviously, with an away goal in their pocket, Manchester United is in the driver’s seat. If the Reds are going to pull this one out Hargreaves (or Carrick) will need to have a solid performance and ensure that Juninho’s influence and Ben Arfa’s dribbles are kept to a minimum. For me, the most unpredictable player in the side could be Rio Ferdinand. Some days he looks as if he could contain a frontline of Zidane, Pele, and Maradonna singlehandedly, and others he looks like a pub league player. If he can play like the former, and not the latter, I think it’ll be tough for Lyon to break through their defense as Vidic looks as formidable as ever. As well, Wes Brown needs to refrain from committing boneheaded fouls within thirty metres, as allowing Juninho a set piece from that distance is not advisable from the United perspective. On the offensive end, Cristiano Ronaldo’s performance depends a lot on what line up Lyon fields. Last game, Lyon opted to bench Ben Arfa in favor of playing the defensive-minded Francois Clerc on the wing, essentially double-teaming Cristiano Ronaldo. With all that attention, CRonaldo did not have an outstanding performance, but that was to be expected. If Ben Arfa starts, I predict Cristiano Ronaldo to put on a spectacular display. Finally, if I were Sir Alex, I’d start both Nani and Cristiano Ronaldo. The Lyon defense looked to be at sixes and sevens when both mercurial wingers were on the pitch at the same time. If ManU are able to keep possession in Lyon’s half, keep fouls in the danger zone to a minimum, and find space for their pacy wingers, look for Manchester United to extend their home win-streak in European competition.

OL: L’Olympique Lyonnais are in a much more precarious position than their English counterparts. For Lyon to progress, they need to score goals. This proves to be quite the predicament, because if Lyon fields an offensively-minded side, this could potentially allow ManU to run riot. However, I feel Lyon’s defense is not strong enough to sit back and withstand pressure. Lyon HAS to score at least one goal, and that probably won’t suffice. Lyon’s defense must play infallibly. Boumsong had a near flawless performance in the first leg, and that’ll be the bare minimum for this match if OL are to progress. Naturally, Toto Squillaci and Clerc must have big games in order to prevent Rooney and Ronaldo, respectively, from wreaking havoc. Ideally, OL would have liked to have entered this match with a lead, but as this is not the case, Lyon needs to start multiple forwards (though conventional wisdom says to start only one on the road). Fred has been in fine form of late, and the precocious Karim Benzema’s reputation for class in front of goal is well-known. I think Lyon’s best bet is to engage in an offensive shoot-out with Manchester United, and field a line-up that includes Benzema, Fred, Ben Arfa, and Juninho, (perhaps at the expense of Sidney Govou). If Lyon’s offense looks stagnant going into the second half, look for Keita to enter the match. He had a phenomenal African Nations Cup for the Ivory Coast, and this sort of scenario could be ideal for him to break out of his funk. In sum, considering Ben Arfa’s potential for individual brilliance with his mazy runs, Benzema’s finishing touch, and Juninho’s penchant for immaculate free kicks means OL will always have a chance, but not if they sit back and wait for Manchester to bring the game to them.

My Prediction: Manchester squeezes by, 3-2.

The best of luck, and Allez l’OL!

Champions League Round of 16 Preview

(I wrote this before the round commenced, and even though my predictions were a little high on the goals scored side, I’ll stand by what I wrote)

The only thing that can cheer me up after saying goodbye to the African Nations Cup is a comprehensive guide to the knockout stages of the CL! This round of 16 offers up 8 tremendous matchups and for those of you unfamiliar with the system, here’s how it works. Each team plays one leg away and one at home, and the leader in the aggregate (combined) score, wins. If the score is tied, then the team with the most away goals prevails. If they are tied on away goals, an extra time is played. The first round of matches will be played mid-week, so I’ll offer up a few predictions (all are aggregate score) that are guaranteed to be mostly incorrect.

1. Liverpool vs. Internazionale- This match would appear to be relatively easy to prognosticate. Internazionale has yet to lose this year in Italy’s Serie A competition, a streak that extends 23 games. Liverpool, looks to be in complete disarray, as they have been all but mathematically eliminated from the Premiership title, and were knocked out of the FA Cup this weekend by lowly Barnesly. However, Inter Milan traditionally struggles in the late stages of the Champions League and Liverpool frequently thrives, making it to two of the past three finals. Especially now that Liverpool only has the CL to play for, I think (as much as it pains me because I despise ‘pool) Liverpool will shock Internazionale in a close, two leg encounter. Prediction: Liverpool advance on the away goals rule, 3-3.

2. Roma vs. Real Madrid- This is another enticing match-up pitting two quality sides against one another. Roma has had a tremendous season thusfar, but I feel their defense is susceptible. This seems like a ludicrous assertion since the team has only given up a handful of goals in the new year. I contest that their defense is well equipped to defend against the slow pace of Italian attacks, but I see the speed of Real Madrid being too much to handle for Roma, whose back line consists of the error-prone Mexès, the offensive-minded Cicinho, and the aging Pannuci. Real Madrid, on the other hand, has gone to great lengths to shore up a defense that was one once of the most porous in the Champions League. Ballon d’Or winner Fabio Cannavaro and upstart Sergio Ramos play cohesively in the back, while veteran defender Gabriel Heinze provides added stability. Not to mention, Real’s forwards Raul, van Nistelrooy, and Robinho are three of the best on the planet. Look for Real to progress. Prediction: Real Madrid 4 – 2 Roma

3. Schalke 04 vs. FC Porto- This match will be one of the most difficult to predict, as Porto and Schalke are two of the sides that receive the least attention in the European media. A side like Porto is difficult to gauge because their domestic competition is minimal, so its often hard to determine their true form. I’m reticent to pick Porto, because they haven’t faced a true challenge since Champions League group play, and I suspect they will underestimate their legitimately talented opposition, perennial German contender, Schalke. Schalke will benefit from flying under the European radar, in addition to being very well rested. The German Bundasliga takes most of the month of January off, but one mustn’t worry about rust, as Schalke have overcome two difficult opposition sides since the break(Stuttgart and a derby triumph over Dortmund). Schalke also plays some very physical football, which has flustered Portuguese sides in the past. Look for Schalke to scrape by in an upset. Prediction: Schalke 04 5 – 4 Porto

4. Olympiakos vs. Chelsea- This could be the least intriguing fixture of the matchday. Olympiakos have shown tremendous heart to advance this far in the tournament, but they will be far outclassed by the wealthy west Londoners. The return of Essien, Drogba and Kalou from national team duty, and talisman John Terry’s recovery from a foot injury will serve to reinforce an incredibly skilled side. Chelsea to win in a walkover. Prediction: Olympiakos 1 – 5 Chelsea.

5. Arsenal vs. AC Milan- Both of these teams are reeling. Milan has had two disappointing draws on the trot (including to lowly Communists, Livorno) and Arsenal was embarassed on the weekend by a seemingly invincible Manchester United side, 4-0. Arsenal’s domestic league form however has been remarkable, so I’m leaning towards Arsenal if Adebayor is declared fit. He’s scored 19 goals this season, and is a matchup nightmare for the lead-footed, elderly Milan defense. Offensively, Kaka and his new partner in crime Alexandre “the Duck” Pato will ask questions of the Arsenal defense, but the central pairing of Gallas and Touré will not be penetrated too often, offering the Rossoneri few chances. Arsenal 3 – 2 Milano

6. Celtic vs. Barcelona- (Caution, partisan perspective!) As an American of Irish descent (more on that later), I consider myself somewhat of a Celtic fan. But I have to admit their chances in this one are slim. But there is some good news for the side: Scottish League Player of the Year Shunsuke “The Snuke” Nakamura has returned from injury. If Celtic has a prayer of winning, the Japanese midfielder is the key, due to his brilliant set-piece ability. Any foul within thirty metres means The Snuke has a chance to unleash his extremely accurate left-foot. If Celtic maintains an extremely physical match, this could disrupt Barca’s game plan (this strategy worked effectively for cross-town rivals Glasgow Rangers during the first round against Barcelona). Unfortunately for those of us who support Celtic, Barcelona possesses three of the best offensive geniuses in the world in Ronaldinho, Thierry Henry, and Leo Messi (fledglings Serbo-Spaniard Bojan Krkic and Brazilian-Mexican Geovanni also provide spectacular reinforcements to an already stacked offense). Their mazy runs and brilliant flicks will ask many questions of the Celtic defense, but I see their physicality stymieing the vast majority of these approaches; however, the inevitable breaches will be enough to sink Celtic. Prediction: Celtic 1 – 3 Barcelona

7. Fenerbahce vs. FC Sevilla- Fenerbahce is probably the worst side to make it to the knock-out phase. They have a decent attack led by Brazilians Alex and Roberto Carlos (technically a defender, but let’s be honest) but their defense is traditionally deplorable, and has a tendency to give up a large number of goals to stronger European opposition with dynamic offenses. Though Sevilla’s offense has sputtered of late, I see the likes of African POY Fredi Kanouté and lively wingback Dani Alves wreakin havoc on the Istanbul side’s defense. Fener 2 – 6 FC Sevilla

8. Olympique Lyonnais vs. Manchester United- (Caution: even more of a partisan perspective!) Though most pundits are quick to dismiss this matchup as a likely rout, I personally think this will be a close, energetic encounter between two European heavyweights. Recent off-field developments have generated even more tension, as Manyoo boss Sir Alex Ferguson purportedly bid forty million pounds for Lyon’s pacey winger Hatem Ben Arfa and prolific striker Karim Benzema. Lyon head-honcho cheekily retorted that he’d only consider parting with Ben Arfa if Manchester exchanged him for Cristiano Ronaldo and cash. Sir Alex is a rather humorless man (he once threw a shoe at David Beckham during a locker room clash) and does not respond well to witty quips. As well, off-the-field, but unrelated to the media circus, an acquaintance of mine named Spencer claimed that Manchester would beat Lyon four-nil in a lopsided affair. I “apparently” then threw the contents of my beer in his face. On the field, however, ManU is a class above Lyon at this point. This is not meant to disparage my beloved Olympique Lyonnais; I just think ManU is the best team in the world at this point. When I first learned the news that OL was to face ManU, I felt sick: it’s a nightmare draw for OL because ManU has the perfect combination of pace and physicality, an amalgam that has derailed OL in the past. I’d venture to say that Cristiano Ronaldo is the best player in the world, and his breathtaking skill will likely give Lyon’s defense (their weakest link) fits. Lyon is a stubborn side though, and look for them to keep it close, with Juninho’s deadly free kicks, Benzema’s finishing touch, and Ben Arfa’s mazy runs occasionally infiltrating the Mancunian defense, but in the end, the Reds from the home of the Industrial Revolution look too strong. Prediction: Olympique Lyonnais 3 – 4 Manchester United. (You got me, I’m only predicting ManU because that way if Lyon loses, I can take some solace in the fact that I prophesized the match’s outcome correctly).

Final African Nations Cup Update

Final African Cup Update…that makes me a lugubrious panda. The final two matches of the tourney were both captivating. Third place game saw neighbors Ivory Coast and Ghana duke it out in a game that truly had the atmosphere of a final. The home side prevailed, and the Ghana fans went into a frenzy as if they had won the whole tournament. I found this enthusiasm for third place to be quite refreshing, as these matches are habitually plagued with listless displays and moping. What a classy note to end on for these tremendous hosts. In our final, we had a tough test for my natural hierarchy theory, as we had the Pharaohs of Egypt versus. the Indomitable Lions of Cameroon. Now, if they were just the lions, it would’ve been a simple prediction. But the Indomitable Lions? That’s a different story! Well, in the end, the Pharaohs prevailed in a game decided by a crucial mistake by the supposedly sage captain Rigobert Song. He misjudged a long ball over his head and was then beaten for pace by a more youthful Egyptian player. Both teams played inspired football, and were separated by only one defensive error. The Pharaohs, triumphing for the third time in the past five tournaments, were deserved winners. Only two more years until our next African Nations Cup, which will be hosted by the Black Antelopes of Angola; an early prediction? Look for the Ivory Coast to take it all. And I reserve the right to retract that statement in two years.