Down to One Euro 2008 prediction :(

So my friend, with a new code name (Poophead McVaginapants) decided to discontinue his association with such an incendiary blog.  BOOOOOOOO!
Group A:

-With the Czechs, it’s likethey’re halfway to the geriatric institution. It’s like team osteoporosis out there. Not to mention, their best player is injured (RoSICKy…. oooh awful). I don’t think you’re going to see any of the electric performances (like vs the netherlands in 04 or the US in ‘06) that we’ve come to associate with Slovokia’s better half.
- We have a predisposition to consider the swiss a rame footballing side, because they simply don’t have the tradition. But if you look at their results over the past six years (Round of 16 in the WC even if it was out of a sub-par group), this is a side who has consistently qualified for big tournaments, and with an increase in lower-class immigrants (read: not Saudi princes and oil sheikhs, the only other immies you used to find en Suisse), a larger talent base (if you think bankers sons are pursuing a career like football, perhaps its time to put down the crack pipe) you’re looking at a legitimate side. The same CANNOT be said for Austria. More on them later. Back to the Swiss, I think they’ve got a shot at progressing against a weaker than usual czech side and an overrated…
-Turkey. Not that good. The old guard for Turkey (the Belozoglus and Basturks of the world) are either gone or a shadow of themselves. This team bears little resemblance to the team that won 3rd place in 2002. I just havent been impressed, and Turkey away from the Ataturk is considerably less intimidating. The one thing they have going for them is they will have a large supporter base (the Turkish influx has spilled over to svizzera and autriche).
-Portugal. What a bunch of asshats. I can’t believe Nike is forcing Portugal on the American fanbase as the team to support with their “Come dance with the Portugese” campaign. If there’s ANY team Americans in general will not take a liking to, its a bunch of classless divers. Americans’ number two complaint about soccer (other than “lack of goals”) is diving. And Nike thinks its a good idea to stake their marketing claim on a team that’s the most egregious diving side on the planet? Obviously, they’re trying to take advantage of Cristiano Ronaldo’s popularity, but I think they’re underestimating the resentment factor. Also, Americans despise cheaters (lookin at you Bill Beeelicheck!) and considering half of this team was a part of the Porto side that was just recently implicated in a ref bribingscandal, I think Nike’s choice looks even worse. This does not change the fact that they’ll run away with the group and that Ricardo Carvalho might be the most overrated defender on the planet. Can’t wait to see him and Ronaldo crying after the semis.

Progressing: Portugal/Switzerland
Most entertaining: Portugal/Turkiye

Group B

I was furious when it was announced that Austria was hosting (and hence an automatic bid). No team that has not QUALIFIED for a major tournament in my lifetime should be given an automatic bid. Much to my chagrin, since the world doesn’t revolve around moi, we could set twenty years as a solid guideline. In the future, UEFA please take this into consideration. Anyone want to make a side bet? Number of goals for Austria? I say one. (Side story, some kid once told me that Austria was good as France because right after the WC in 98 France played a firendly in Vienna with half the first teamers missing and the game finished 2-2. What an r-tard)
-Well, we know for sure that every other team will get at least three points. I wouldn’t be surprised where a situation arises like that of Ireland/Cameroon/Germany/Saudi in 2002, where goal differential against the “paraplegic team” determines which teams progress from the group (Cameroon only beat Saudi 1-0, so Ireland had to win by more than two). I predict such a scenario will come to fore between Croatia and Poland..and behind the aforementioned Smolarek, the Poles progress with a 4-0 drubbing of Austria compared to Croatia’s measly 4-1 victory over Austria.
-Germany should walk away with the group but I think they’re a tad overrated and will not make the finals. Ballack, more like Ballsack! (how have we never thought of that before?)
Most Interesting Match: Germany/Poland is always interesting. It’s like Georgetown/George Washington. Poland (GW) thinks its a rivalry (on a geopolitical and footballing scale) but Germany (Georgetown) rarely even admits that the other exists because Poland/GW is vastly inferior in every single measurable statistic (except for arable farmland/Jappy sluts)

Group C: Wow. Just wow. The phrase “Group of Death” is thrown around often without merit, but this time its certainly deserved. Hey, thank God UEFA changed the rules JUST in time to include FIFA rankings before the group draw….oooh wait, no they didnt. Austria as a one seed and France as a four. Platini is running the fucking show, you’d think he would’ve remedied this situation. Anyway, you have three teams that are members of European football’s elite along with a perennial gatecrasher. Echoing Jangles sentiments, this is football at its finest.
-France, obviously, has my heart. At one point during the friendly against Paraguay, France fielded SEVEN OL players and Flo Malouda. NBD. Some would say its not coincidental that France drew….erroneous! In fact, I’m quite happy with France’s dismal form prior to Euro 2008, because, as you will recall, it was even worse in 2006, but all it means is they need a little time to warm up in order to peak just in time for the knockouts. Oh, and if you haven’t heard of Karim Benzema yet, you will. In Lyon’s deciding match for the title, he scored in 30 SECONDS! He good. You all know how I feel about France, so i dont need to continue..
-But Italy, Jesus. The enmity that Jangles’ posseses for France is slightly less than mine for the Italian national side. Its odd, because I worship Italian culture and cuisine, but I DESPISE their calcio (still harboring resentment from WC 2006? You betcha). My arsenal of Italian swear words could come in quite handy…or could land me in a Taiwanese prison. We’ll see! Anyway, I can guarantee you that any mention of “Materazzi” will be followed with a spiteful “coglione.” My disdain aside, Italia is a tad overrated. Now with Cannavaro out, there defense may not be strong as it traditionally is. Italy might struggle to find their identity with a lot of the old guard retiring, and a new wave of players attempting to make their mark. They need to find it quickly, otherwise it could be an early exit from the tourney.
-I think the Netherlands look dangerous. Dangerous wingers like Wesley Sneijeijjder and Arjjjen Robben are incredibly talented, and they have the ultimate cherry picking dangerman: Ruud Van Nistelrooijjj. And they have a dangerous player named Orlando…who will be referred to from here on out as Jamlando. Botom line: they look dangerous.
-Poor Romania, had an incredible qualifying run, but were rewarded for their efforts with a semifinalist from 2004 and the two finalsists from 2006. Ruh-roh! Sorry, Romania…even with your dynamic offense, your propensity for inhaling substances, and your laissez-faire approach to EU regulations, you’ll be lucky to get a point.
-Progressing: France, Nederlands
Best game: The third rematch since july 9th, 2006. Can Sidney Govou score a double again? I think so.

Group D

Greece=humiliation. Austria and Greece will be vying for the “most ignominious exit” award
-I’m intrigued by Russia. They’ve played well over the past year or so (Zenith, UEFA Cup winners, provides a lot of the NT talent, we’ll see if they can translate this club success onto the international stage) and I think they could provide some excitement in a group this weak (especially because Spain is prone to mental lapses).
-Sweden is a shadow of themselves avec an over the hill Freddie “i like men” Ljungberg and a flat-lining Henrik Larsson, I see them struggling to progress.
-Spain: Call me crazy, but I think this is Spain’s year. I think they draw with Russia because of a mental lapse, but I think they could win it all IF THEY GET PAST THE QUARTERS. A Spain trip to the semifinals=a championship. Honestly, a first round defeat or a championship, neither would surprise me.
Progressing: Russiya and Spain
Best match: Russiya/Spain

I dont know how the bracket is working, but I’d have to say the four teams I think are the most likely semifinalists or the Ports, the Spicies, the Frogs, and the Hitlers (just because of linguistic solidarity from the host countries).

Contingency pick: If Spain makes the semis, they will win. If Spain does not, France wins. Allez les bleus!!

Leading scorer: Raul! (jajajajaja). In all seriousness, Miroslav Klose. He has quite the nose for scoring goals in major tournaments, and with a weak slate for Germany in the first round, he could very easily have a tally of three or four goals before the second round begins. However, if Klose continues to win these sorts of awards, they will have to change the name of the trophy from the Golden Boot to something that more accurately reflects his preferred method of scoring: head. Perhaps the Kim Kardashian trophy?

That’s all. Be champions.

How the OC Explains International Relations…

First off, if you’ve never watched the OC, stop here. None of this will make sense.
So, Tals Vatman stumbled upon this fantastic article that delves into the complexities of the second greatest show of our time and notices stunning parallels between what transpires in Newport Beach and the world as a whole. However, Fong, Vatman, and the Brog felt that this initial paradigm did not go far enough, and a couple of weeks ago, we had a brainstorming sesh to try to make the analogy truly complete. Here’s the transcript (Note: you HAVE to read the article for this to make any sense. Other than Fong’s Jew jokes. Those should be pretty self explanatory):

Fong: Who would be china? I think Anna. I loved anna.

Brog: she did have communist sympathies….

Brog: and they forgot taylor’s bf Seung-Ho whose family owns a Korean restaurant. He would be Korea.

Brog: Note: He would be co-korea with summer’s prom date.

Brog: oh, and hello, ryan’s mom is CLEARLY mexico! or would ryan’s brother be mexico? well, both are unemployed, convicts, perpetually inebriated…we could just make the whole atwood clan mexico…(oooh got you good, Scott!)

Brog: Alex would be Pakistan, because, you know, they both go both ways. Caleb Nichol: Brunei…a facade of wealth, but really bankrupt, but manages to maintain the image that the wealth is still intact!

Brog: oh and that lawyer from the first season who gave sandy that badass surfboard is totally ‘Tina. both tried to fuck England (falklands/Sandy) and failed. miserably.

ok time for someone else’s input.

Fong: Haley - Kirsten’s sister: Brazil — both are great with (soccer) balls.

Comic book geeks: Japs.

Luke: Germany. He talks a big game, but in the end, is really a pussy.

Oliver: RUSSIA. Corrupt. Cold. And is just Vatman’s type.

Brog: but johnny is already russia…i think (Oliver)’d be a good north korea. cold corrupt calculating psychotic friendless.

Brog: i think the japs would be the wives of the OC. an economic powerhouse but, really, when it comes down to it, have no actual power.

Vatman: im having a hard time with Jimmy Cooper - perhaps Algeria? fucking over France time and again…

oh and FYI, i think it’s the Newpsies.

Fong: Jimmy Cooper is AMERICA. Fucking every thing around it and totally awesome!

Brog: Jimmy Cooper is Darfur. A wasteland, any assets that go in never come out. His family would be starving if it weren’t for the aid of countries like the UK. Whenever Darfur is around, violence ensues…

Brog: so, um, yeah, fong and i went in different directions on this one…

Fong: he screwed: (1) Kiristen - when they were young; (2) Julie; (3) Haley; (4) I’m pretty sure he sexually abused Marrisa; (5) Fantasized about Summer. (remember, he walked in on her changing in Season 1). He is awesome!!

Vatman: well, i was going off the ORIGINAL paradigm in which Ryan = America

maybe Jimmy Cooper is Cuba

cue Dandy Warhols - we used to be friends

Brog: exactly…JC can’t be america…that’s the atdawg. And i believe in the original paradigm, no one was assigned Darfur…

yeah…Cuba works on some levels, but cuba never fucked the UK, and he definitely tried to screw over the sandman by COVETING HIS WIFE

Fong: ok ok. Ryan is america. i dont care who jimmy is anymore, so long as i get summer, anna, haley, and kirsten. (Brog), you can HAVE marrisa and he fugly-self!

Brog: huuuuuwhat?! fine, i’ll take marissa, but i want taylor townsend too. I’m going for the whole ryan atwood package.

is it wrong that i still think taylor is the most desirable character on the show?

Fong: yes. wrong. sandy is obviously the most desirable. those eyebrows. that hair. that butt…..

We would go on for another hour or so on the relative hotness of characters from both the OC and Gossip GIrl. We would also later determine that:

-”Che” would have to be Bolivia, because he’s an environment-loving rich hippie (which means he’s surely a cokehead). Also since the real Che died there, we figured that would be rather fitting.

-Caitlin Cooper’s boyfriend (not Johnny) would be Nicaragua. Because he obviously was a little bitch.

-Dr. Roberts would be Algeria, because he fucked France for awhile, moved in with France, and then moved out again. And we haven’t heard much from him since. But his progeny keep thriving in France’s household (That’s right: I’m comparing Summer with Zinedine Zidane)

-Rebecca Bloom would be India. Used to be butt buddies with the UK (Sandy) and roves Gandhi.

-Lindsay would be Gingerstan.

-Theresa Vasquez…no not Mexico…Vietnam! Used by France (as a caterer), fucked by America, the devastation caused by America (pregnancy) forced America to spend inordinate amounts of time with her, and prevented her from becoming successful for a while, but has since recovered and has become a small economic success.

-D.J. hmmmm….a Hispanic gardener. I’m really unfamiliar with any country that produces a significant number of gardeners. Especially any from Latin America. I’ll have to skip him.

-Gordon Bullit would be Venezuela. Loud, obnoxious, oil-wealthy. Everyone just wants him to go away. Except for France, who secretly likes the discord he causes.

-Finally, Carter Buckley would be Ireland. An idealist genius and articulate gentleman that hasn’t taken over the world yet because of his love for whiskey.

This is what I do to avoid studying. Be Champions.

Your Requests for More Tales of Macanese Madness Have Been Heard!

Because I don’t have a visa (shhhh! don’t tell the Taiwanese government, they might get one of their super powerful allies like Panama or Paraguay to shun me permanently!), I have to leave the country every thirty days to not incur fines. Well, you don’t have to tell me twice to plan a Macao retreat. As has been documented on the Brog, I’ve used far more feeble excuses for making an HK/Macao excursion (”It’s May;” “Shenzhen may be more direct, but Zhong Han could find me there. I need to avoid this cheaper alternative;” “Hey (Rodd/Ale/Tex), ever played blackjack?” to name a few).

This first story is alternatively entitled “My Very Own Big Pete Moment.”

Normally, I’m not one to address fashion/style, in particular my own (mostly not to fan the flames of rumors concerning my sexuality which also means I won’t comment on Karl Lagerfeld’s recent haute-couture masterpieces which would make even the great Coco Chanel proud), but my attire is critical to this story, so bear with me. I was dressed in what could be called Florida dressy casual : a pressed polo, slacks, and dressy, leather sandals. In FLA USA, this look is not only accepted but encouraged at country clubs and churches [the traditional barometer (it's pronounced thermometer) for acceptable dress] throughout the state. However, no casino would let me in because the concept of a non-casual sandal is foreign to them (sandals are still on the whole indoor-only in the Far East), so even though I was sporting an 80 dollar pair of leather sandals (mommy wants me to look nice! For the record, the only shoes that I own that I actually purchased for myself were my Bucs Crocs. Obviously, I still need a little guidance in this department), I wasn’t allowed in (highlighted by my very much audible assertion that “this is FUCKING ridiculous.”) Now, if this were Monaco where everyone was dressed in immaculate evening wear, I’d have no qualms with this restriction, but this was by no means the case. Half of the casino was straight out of the stereotypical Asian tourist catalog: shoddily clad in t shirts, shorts, and a matching fanny pack! I told the security guard just how absurd this was, and solely to prove my point, I went to the nearest outdoor market, and bought a pair of horrendous looking sneakers for ten bucks (ok, and also because I came to Macao to bet mooooneeaaaay, and this investment was clearly the only way to earn this privilege). I put em on, put my very nice sandals in a bag, and promptly marched back over to the casino, to the same security guard and sarcastically inquired if I could now gain admittance into the casino. My attire now complied, even though my outfit clashed; for the next five minutes I decided to inform him my new friend (He was from the subcontinent, and I may or may not have called him “sala” multiple times, which is really really bad in Hindi. Hooray for Indian ex-girlfriends!) what a ludicrous regulation this was, and proceeded to tell him just how much each pair cost to highlight the ridiculous standard imposed by the casino. I then asked the casino guard just how much his shoes cost. My elitist streak was in full force at this point, which prompted me to ask him if its fair for a person with inexpensive shoes to bar a person with more expensive shoes from entering the casino. Even though I knew this young Desi gentleman was by no means responsible for Wynn protocol, I continued to elucidate the fallacies in Wynn’s dress code. My Very Own Big Pete Moment. And, of course, I had the last laugh as I left up about five hundred bucks. Unfortunately, that all went to my rent.

The road to profit was not as easy as I make it seem. My father once warned me that drinking is a very bad idea while playing blackjack. Now, based on my previous experiences, I’ve not entirely agreed with him. As long as you have no intentions of counting cards, you commit to playing basic strategy, and you maintain normal betting patterns (easier said than done, but if you are resolute in your convictions, its not too difficult) boozing often enhances the game play. It was only until this most recent trip that I discovered that perhaps his admonition didn’t pertain to betting strategies. No, the reason you (males) shouldn’t drink while playing blackjack is because you play with your penis! That came out wrong. Let me explain; I was playing at the same table as this adorable 20-something Hong Konger, and after an hour or so, we’d developed an alliance of sorts. She was an amateur, so she bet on my hand and let me make the decisions. The strategy worked brilliantly for a couple of hours and saw us both build our chip pile to formidable stature. As is usually the case, the cards stopped falling our way, and under normal circumstances (a smelly, 60 year-old chain smoking mainlander to my immediate right and left is pretty much standard), I would’ve left the table faster than Ovinton J’anthony in his brand new Ferrari. (Wait, it’s Monday, this might be Ferrari day. I apologize for any discrepancies in my OJ Mayo/Gift cars calendar and the real one). But, instead, in a drunkenly inspired decision, opted to stay at this ice cold table to make innocuous passes for ANOTHER HOUR and LOST ALL of my money. Coincidentally, our rapport seemed to diminish as the hands kept getting shittier and by the time I left, there was nothing more than a perfunctory zai jian. Fortunately, I was not tempted by another strumpet for the rest of the evening, and after another “refill” (ATM trip), my fortunes improved and I left a winner. I went back to inform my Indian friend, but he’d already left for the evening. But for one last dig, I went to the bathroom and changed into my sandals before leaving.

I was originally scheduled to depart Macao on the 9 pm ferry. However, at 8 pm (the pirate wench had left at 7) I was on a massive hot streak AND I discovered champagne was free. For those of you who aren’t familiar with my booze hierarchy, it goes something like this: 1) Guinness from the tap, 2) Car Bombs, 3) Champagne, 4) Kronenbourg, 5) Jameson’s Rocks…37) Sambucca up my nose…54) Miller Products…59) Sambucca inhaled…96) drinking Sambucca …196) Busch Products….444) Bai jiu. Free champagne? The third fastest way to my heart. These two developments prompted me to ask the following question: “Excuse me, when does the last ferry leave for Hong Kong?”… “Really? 4 am. No, that’s perfect.” After a few more hours of gratis champagne and makin’ moooneeaaaay, I was exhausted, starving, parched (i smoked more cigarettes in Macao in 12 hours than I did all month in Taiwizzle), and being a champion. So when they told me that economy class was sold out, I did what champions do: buy Super Class tickets. What they didn’t tell me was that the only amenities provided in “Super Class” other than first-on, first-off privileges was a runny egg. This was decidedly un-super.

Sorry for the brogcation…for the record, it was because I didn’t want to bore you with stories like “omg we went to this awful club, i struck out like ten times (insert ten completely implausible excuses), got really drunk, and the girls were super duper hot. Now, since I’m supposed to go into cram mode for the LSAT, you can expect a lot more Brog posts.

Will I Be Eating Here Saturday Night? You Betcha.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/610485.stm

The most indicative sentence in the entire piece is as follows: “Most Taiwanese can describe in detail the atrocities committed by Japanese troops who controlled Taiwan and parts of China during World War II. But many are unclear about what happened on the other side of the world.” Taiwanese/Chinese are painfully ignorant of terrible incidents in history that don’t pertain to the Middle Kingdom and will attempt to justify absurd opinions like “the Western world has never experienced anything like the Japanese occupation of Asia.” Attempting to explain that the atrocities committed by Japan were undoubtedly horrible, but seem a tad pallid in comparison to the Holocaust and Stalin’s death camps. Why do they have this perspective? Pervasive ethnocentrism!

Unforeseen Problems=No Rive Brog

Ok, so I completely forgot I was no longer in America and belatedly realized it would be QUITE difficult to rive brog while simultaneously streaming the match on my computer. But, have no fear my friends, the recap will include 80 percent of the crappy jokes that I’ve been preparing for the occasion.

Prediction: Manchester United 2-1 Chelski (AET)

I’m maintaining Lyon solidarity after our epic 7th consecutive title, and donning my Florent Malouda jersey. This does not change the fact that I think Manchester’s awesomeness exceeds that of Chelsea.   Oh and so as to not completely disappoint…

Dear Fatty :

are you in macao now ? i miss you ..good luck on gambling …come back to see me dear awesome …..miss my belly pillow !

cant wait to see you

take good care of you !

(I’ve started to exclusively call her “Walrus Zhong,” anyone else who talks to her should follow suit. She hearts it)

Are We Witnessing the Inception of a New, More Transparent China?

No.

This tragedy befell China in the form of a devastating earthquake (7.9 for those of you scoring at home). Normally, when God strikes China with some debilitating plague/natural disaster (about every other year), the state-controlled media habitually creates a cover-up of Orwellian proportions, brainwashing its citizens and tricksying the rest of the world into believing the given calamity is of a much smaller scope (for example: the government kept a lid on SARS for months and it was really only until it spread to Hong Kong that China were forced to release the actual number infected with the virus).  However, the Sichuan earthquake this week was different. The state-media has been covering the incident nonstop, releasing timely, accurate (Jesus, at least I hope they are, there are alrady 10,000+ dead) information to both the Western media and to its citizens. And juxtaposed to their neighbors to the south, Myanmar, China looks like an impassioned government, hell-bent on undertaking any initiative to save those in trouble (note: had China actually built edifices that wouldn’t collapse during an earthquake in a city thats ON A FAULT LINE, the casualties would only be a fraction of what they are. But, hey, keep on giving six billion dollars to Malawi. Your country doesn’t need it!).  And the Western media has been eating this shit up, implying that its the birth of a more open era for China. False.

My friends, do not be fooled. China is just pandering to the West ahead of the Olympics, trying to convince us they’re actually becoming transparent in the wake of the torch fiasco. Why? In order to lull is into a false sense of security. That way, when they commence what I’ve dubbed Operation Ad ExstirPANDA, they might be able to keep it under the radar for as long as possible.  Ad Exstirpanda was a Papal bull that legalized the use of torture to secure information during the Inquisition. When China implements Ad ExstirPANDA, arbitrarily arresting and torturing foreigners, the media will be blindsided. Western governments will be enraged.  China will snicker. Once again, take off the beer goggles. China will not hesitate to break the rules if it means the protection of its self-perceived reputation of infallibility.

And, its official, there’s no way I’m getting a visa now.

May I preface that I consider mocking handicapped folks to be the most tawdry, vile form of humor…

but I have no qualms mocking the companies who make wheelchairs! Please consult the brand name of this one:

WHAT?! If this were the FAIL blog, this would undoubtedly be a KARMA FAIL! WHO NAMES A COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURES EQUIPMENT FOR PARAPLEGICS “KARMA?!” I almost approached the young women to tell her that her chair more or less screams “I did something awful in a previous life, and I’m paying for it in this one!” but decided that I would not be able to communicate the idea effectively in Chinese, and would redefine offensive no matter how I broached the subject. Oh, and don’t worry about the photo, she has no idea she was in it! I went into clandestine mode (and by that, I mean overtly touristy mode) and took a number of inane shots that would fit perfectly into a facebook album entitled “OMG I’m on the Taipei metro and I’m going to take meaningless pictures because I’m so cool and am in Asia and I really want to drive the point home that I’m in Asia and that makes me culturally superior to you because I live in Asia,” (think FOB signs, the metro map, and able-bodied Taiwanese) because I obviously didn’t want to offend the poor girl, Lord knows she’s dealt with unspeakable hardship in her life (Asians aren’t exactly the most accepting of disabled folks). I feel like an awful human being now, but I look forward to manning my very own karma-mobile in my next life.

Champions League Recap

-Sometimes my predictions make me look very intelligent and, often, in hindsight, I wish I had wagered a sizable amount of money on my hunches. This was not one of those occasions. I pretty much got everything wrong. I claimed that Barcelona and Liverpool would advance. Neither did. I argued that Barcelona would win because of their potent offense. They did not score. I boldly proclaimed that Chelsea and Liverpool would play dull, listless football. They combined for seven goals. Go me.

-I was unable to watch the first leg of the Chelsea match (I was over the Pacific), but from all accounts, it was a rather cagey affair. As well, it has been said that the result served as an accurate reflection of what transpired on the pitch, even though it came in the cruelest of fashion for John Arne Riise, who scored an own goal in the fifth minute of injury time. The second leg saw Chelsea dominate the first half, produce a deserved goal through Didier Drogba, only to see their lead vanish after Fernando Torres equalised. The game went into overtime, where Chelsea pulled ahead by two goals, which effectively ended any chance Liverpool had, they the Reds did pull one back in the form of a Ryan Babel consolation. Chelsea deserved to advance, and it was refreshing to see Liverpool lose a two-legged encounter, something that hadn’t occurred in some time.

-Speaking of Chelsea, did you know they did not have a single player in the FA’s Team of the Year? This is the team who could feasibly win the Premiership! I have to say, it’s a travesty that neither Michael Essien nor Joe Cole received a spot in the team. For my money, Michael Essien (with the lone exception of Cristiano Ronaldo) is the BEST player in the Premiership. Not only does he dominate the middle of the pitch, Chelsea demonstrated midweek just how valuable he can be at any position. Even though it might not be his preferred position, or the place on the field where he’s most effective, the discrepancy in quality between the Ghanaian and the overrated Paolo Ferreira, the aging Juliano Beletti, or the insipid Wayne Bridge was painfully apparent after Essien’s transcendent performance which combined tenacious defense, calculated passing, and puissant shots. His exclusion is lamentable, especially since this oversight was due to the inclusion of Steven Gerrard, who had a sub-par season for his standards.

-The Manchester United/Barca match had been billed as an exciting encounter of offensive heavyweights. 1 goal combined in 180 minutes of play made every pundit look like an idiot (including yours truly). Not only were their no goals, there was simply a dearth of true chances (Ronaldo’s penalty miss aside) for both teams, in particular in the second leg. Paul Scholes’ shot was inch-perfect, but an outside-of-the-boot rocket from 25 yards barely can be considered a half-chance. Barcelona was truly unlucky to not put one in the “back of the auld onion bag” (even the Cantonese commentary is better than Tommy Smyth!), as they dominated the possession in the second leg (at some point in the second half 65-35), but they were simply unable to translate this control into meaningful chances. Henry didn’t start, and was finally introduced with a little over ten minutes remaining. His impact was instant, as he forced Van der Sar into a few saves (more than the rest of the Barca attackers could claim). Though as an unabashed France supporter I’m partial on the subject, I don’t understand how Rijkaard could leave Henry on the bench for both legs against a side with which he’s so intimately familiar and has terrorized on so many occasions. A scorer as prolific as Henry comes to life in the Champions League, and in a big game, I’d rather take my chances with an out-of-form Henry than the diminutive Andres Iniesta (yes, he’d been in better form in the Spanish league, but I’m arguing the Champions League is a whole different monster and Henry would have made a better selection).

-Manchester United’s play throughout the Champions League this season has been nothing short of sublime. They are unequivocally the most deserved team to lift the big-eared trophy. As stated in a previous post, I only bet against them because I figured it would be impossible for them to continue to play such immaculate football. They hadn’t lost a game in the CL yet, I figured it was about time! I am officially mental. To demonstrate just how good Manyoo is, check out this nugget: Manchester United has only given up one goal in the knockout phase of the CL this year, and it was to the second best team in Europe. One goal in six matches against teams (OL, AS Roma, Barcelona) renowned for their offense? Yeah, I’d call that impeccable defense.

-I’d like to congratulate both teams that have progressed to the finals, Manchester United and Chelsea. And congrats to all of the bandwagon fans in America. I’m really glad I’m not in America, so I don’t have to deal with the myriad justifications for why kids from Los Angeles decided to support Chelsea four years ago or why people who don’t even know where Manchester is claim to be diehard fans? Can we call this the bandwagon bowl?

-Ninety percent of outre-match storylines regurgitated by the media pertaining to games such as the Champions League final are inane and barely worth the energy it takes my eyes to read it. But this one has a legitimate one: and no, I could care less that it’s a fucking all-England final. The Champions League final is being held in Moskva this year: also known as, the town Roman Abramovich built. Remember, he’s one of the few oligarchs who remains on good terms with Putin. Where’s Berezovsky? Exile (and not welcome back). Where’s Khodorkovsky? Jail. Abramovich on the other hand can stroll into the Kremlin whenever he damn pleases. Remember a few years back, in the final weekend of the Premiership, Tottenham was clinging to fourth (and the crucial last Champions League spot which translates into tens of millions of dollars in television revenue) when half of their team mysteriously came down with a stomach virus and Arsenal overtook them? No, no, I’m not insinuating the he WILL do anything, I’m just saying stranger things have happened in soccer. But, it wouldn’t shock me if something did. He has ruthlessly clawed his way to the top of the oil world. He has rewritten the rules of modern club ownership with unfair bidding practices towards smaller clubs. Would it be all that astonishing if he were to make life a little more difficult for Manchester United on his turf? Oh, and Mr. Abramovich, if you’d like to silence me, my address is…

-I’d also like to announce there will be another RIVE BROG for the Champions League final. Obviously, if OL were playing, I wouldn’t be able to fully concentrate on providing salient commentary and obsessing over every touch. But the fact is I’m not partial to either of these sides, and am just in the mood for some good football. And I feel a little brogging might just go hand in hand with CL final awesomeness. On verra!

Where in the World Is Brogmen Sandiego?!

Dear friends, the last time we chatted I was heading to Vegas. Well, I’ve since left America’s decadence capital (more on that in the very near future) and have opted to embark on adventure. My question for you the reader is, can you deduce my location from the following clues?

-I have spent time in this city before, and I’ve always said that this city’s only deficiency is its lack of Chipotle

-Tomorrow I will have Mexican food though, at a place called El Taco Loco, and I have to say, it’s the epitome of mid-level Central American cuisine.

-This city has a world famous harbour; one could even go as for to say the harbor is almost ‘fragrant.’

-This city’s airport is consistently rated one of the world’s best, and I concur mostly because it has a Popeye’s.

-This city has some of the most badass metro stop names including Admiralty, Quarry Bay, Fortress Hill, and, naturally, Mong Kok.

-This city has been mentioned in the Brog before.

-This city has a reputation for producing thrilling action movies, bubblegum pop stars, just awful haircuts, vicious gangsters, and tons of financial capital.

Any ideas where I am?

(Brief) Champions League Preview

Ok, i apologize for my delinquency, as I’ve been quite thuper-occupied with a number of high-level meet-and-greets, and thus have not been able to put in the amount of effort that one habitually associates with THE BROG. And, unfortunately, this will be reflected in this post. Which is why I’m opting for bullet points
Liverpool-Chelsea

• Ok, so I played a game of FIFA between the two to further illucidate the outcome of the tie…but when chelsea won 7-nil, I decided this might not be the most accurate barometer.
• What rhymes with schmoring schmootball: boring football, don’t expect a whole lot of goals between these two.
• Liverpool wins in the knockout phases to superior teams. Chelsea finds ways to improbably lose against inferior opponents.
• Aggregate: Liverpool 2 - 1 Chelsea

Manchester United-Barcelona

• Ok, this pick might seem a bit strange, but i’m going with Barca, here’s why:
• Whenever there exists a common consensus that one (close to equal) team will win, it never happens. And everyone thinks Manchester United will win. My point exactly.
• Manchester has looked vulnerable recently (Blackburn, Arsenal); they might not be as infallible as everyone thinks
• Manchester themselves are convinced they will win…complacency?  Me thinks so!
• EIther way, this will be a much more high-scoring tie. Manchester United 3 - 4 Barcelona