Zhong Han Euphemism of the Day!

We’re all familiar with Zhong Han’s, err, creative use of the English language. Well, my friends, this time she’s outdone herself. To describe the routine Chinese procedure that her cousin underwent yesterday, she said “my cousin have baby disappeared.” How precious, Zhong Han can even make abortions adorable!

This caps off an interesting year for our friend Han Han that involved a lot of growing up. She went from a 25 year old virgin in college in rural China to a promiscuous drug addict living in Shanghai whose cousin just dropped her very own a-bomb. Welcome to 21st Century China!

Unfortunately, this is a very telling microcosm of youth culture in modern China. Because drugs and sex remain social taboos, drug and sex education is nonexistent. As a result, many Chinese adolescents engage in the aforementioned behavior completely ignorant of the consequences (namely: addiction and babies, respectively).

PS I’ve had a lot of questions about Zhong Han’s new facebook album. And, no, she’s not that hot. It’s called airbrushing, people!

After That, I Think We All Need A Little Pick-Me-Up

And I think a few emails from my qin.ai.de Zhong Han will do the trick

1: how was in Newyork? i backed to shanghai from shenzhen..its a good trip .get some good pictures ,and you ? why i cant see your pictures and your wall ? did you blog me ? (note: she meant block, but what a hilariously ironic misspelling!)

2: i never blog you …thats strange !

3: whats wrong with our facebooks ? i cant see your wall and your albums

4: yes ,,,,weird …..i think your face is ill …you’d better ask doctor to have a look at your sick facebook…..

Zhong Han on Why I Should Remain Unemployed

“Considering my own personality ,i am not suitible to be a employee and listen everyting to others ….it sucks …
im happy to hear your bottom is better …..
im sure you never feel what i felt about the caree to be an employee .coz you just got only one job in china ,you are a foreigner ,everybody in china must respect you very well .and when you find a job in your country , the job and environment will made you feel you are nothing .nobody care you .”

 

An Email From the ex-Missus

what way is your prefer ? you could have lots choices .coz you are rich , you have western face ,you  can speak chinese very well , you are so cute , you could choose to be emplor or employee . you could get enough freedom if you come to shanghai .and the impotant point is the most beautiful ,pretty,cute ,smartest gl Yama is in shanghai …… you could get lots fun ,,,hahaha ~~

look .you have lots good reasons and conditions to move to shanghai .you could show this email to your parents ,let them know you will get lots development in china !

ahaha ! whats your idea ,cutty ?

Emails of the Week!

This week I received two SPECTACULAR emails, one from Ale, and one from Zhong Han

Ale on why he refuses to take Chinatown bus over Spring Break:

May Mao come down from the heavenly commune and strike me with lightning bolts…
I am NOT taking any bus that has the word “china” in it.  I’m taking the train.  Not going to ruin my spring break having to deal with people eating dry fish in the bus for 4 hours whilst having to listen to them chatter and giggle in chinkystani all the fucking trip. Plus, the onboard movie will be a cantonese romantic-tragedy where they dont even flash a gooddam boob (its not like a chinese boob is worth much anyway).   Amtrack bitches. Amtrack.

Zhong Han’s thoughts on my recent surgical procedure on my anus (and even a gay joke at my expense!):

TO QIN AI DE RU FENG :  (To Darling SOS):

hey ,honey . your voice is so cute like your funny face ! you got a lovely surgery ! hahaha ..so funny !

im super happy to hear you today ! miss you ,my fatty ~ your chinese is so lovely …no one foreigners chinese is cuter than yours ! haha ..very attractive ! i just curious your butt ! could you take a picture to me ? i wanna visit your butt long time no see ! hahaha !!!hope you recover soon ..and move your ass to shanghai !

haha …..so you cant have sex for a long time now …coz your butt is broken ! hahaha !!! great !

lol lol lol //// wo hen kai xin … (I’m very happy)

cant wait to see you . take good  care of your cute ass !

And People Wonder Why We Didn’t Work Out…

So recently, I’ve been fortunate enough to have extensive correspondence with my ex-girlfriend Zhong Han. The basic of our relationship is as follows: I make fun of her English, she makes fun of my weight, the rest is true love. The email you’re about to read simply defies logic. I honestly have no clue what she’s talking about for roughly 30% of the message, and the other 70% I can only offer up educated guesses. Enjoy: (all parentheses mine)

“when will you back to Orlando ? there are the new Harripoter ? im crasy about movies recently …went to cinema often during the holiday …coz my anti gave me a discount card …..haha ~~~ i watched American Pie 6 (side note: there’s a sixth American pie? Wow.)…haha sexy and disgusting ! have sex with sheep ….shoot in his own mouth with horse spurm ! wow ! classic porn !

haha ….have fun in France ? i met some french guys recently …they are aweful and too proud ! its good you are mixed ! Americans are nice !

looking forward to see you again in summer !

best wishes

Yama
btw—it seems i have lots questions ! haha ~~ always ! because im a good student ,right ? my private teacher! hahaha ~~~~ dont forget to get me a diploma ! coz you take your dirty underwear back before which you gave me as my foreign diploma ! hahaha ……so you didnt get me any before ,,,make up one for me this time teacher ! i dont wanna dirty underwear this time …change another thing please !”

-If anyone can clarify, please feel free to comment, because I’m clueless. Here are a few more gems:

“you are (on) line ….great ! pictures (SOS)! i wanna see your updated face !”

“btw i didnt miss your HUGE xiao didi~~~~hahahaha !!he is sxary …too huge and strong !!! lwhy i cant see your wall ? do you have new mobile number ?i wanna scare you sometime ! hahaha ! iv scared my Australian pop already ! so succesful !”

“French is famouse as ” Liu Mang ” (liumang means hoodlum, which I don’t understand what that has to do with the Chinese conception of the French people, but I’ll let it slide) hahaha ~~thats why you got lots fun there ! hahaha ,,,sexy machine!” (She clearly has the wrong impression of yours truly, because “sexy machine” in no way shape or form describes your favorite brogger.)

And finally, “hey ,,,i wanna see you fat wall .why i cant see your wall ? are you so brave to block me to see your wall big huge sean?” Now you see why I need to go back to China. The brogging potential is astronomical.

More Zhong Han funtime!

-Do you know what they call China’s system of internet censorship? The Great Firewall of China. Ha! To prevent the spread of dissident rhetoric, the Chinese government has decided to block users from accessing wordpress.com webpages. That means someone can’t read what I write about her!

-Speaking of China’s preeminent authority on English colloquialisms, I was fortunate enough to receive SEVEN Facebook messages from Zhong Han this week. Ready?

#1: hey , man how is it going ? where are you now ? still at home ? im gonna open a shop with my fds in shanghai ! maybe open it in March! we are preparing now ! so got everything messy and busy now ….

r u dissapeared ? didnt meet you on line for ages ! so wired !

#2: my profile picture is my heart shape Fried ice cream ! does it look beautiful?

#3 hey !!!turn out ! are you died of fat ?

i think so …if you are keep fatter and fatter …

#4 dead dead dead faaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttty!

#5 sean…seriously ! are you still alive ?

btw tell Bush ! i support Calinton’s wife to be American President !

#6 i love America before …now i love Australia ….there are lots nice and cute guys in that beautiful country !

i changed a lot ! (she didn’t go to Australia but must have seen a picture or something.)

#7 m planning to go to Australia ,if everything goes well .iv no that much holiday or free time for travelling now .yeah,,they are simple.and easy going…i like simple guys …

spring festival is coming in 2 days ,and its small chinese new year now in shanghai …so its nice to see your sms in the morning …miss you,dude !
im looking forward to your beautiful pictures !

as for ice cream shop,everything is stoped in china .coz the festival …so i will start to run it after spring festival …..and our machine will get to shanghai soon from Singapore .so maybe set up in March ,if everything goes well .
if i need investor i will consider you firstly . i will try the shanghai market fisrt ,if it sells well ….i will open another brunch shops in other areas ,maybe i need capital to set up…i will let you know …in this way you could low your investing venture ! only one shop i think i could afford it ! and just try it firstly ! anyway thanx a lot ///and im happy you are interested in our business project!

we also have another good project ….we are talking right now …anyway ,everything will start after that festival.

so you wont work in china later ,i thought i could see your cute big face in Feb! hahaha ……(kidding ) im happy you are very well!

looking forward to see you in summer !

Yama
btw— i love romantic place and guys !

Btw: I sent her ONE message during this time. (If she can call me fat, I can make fun of her English).

- So, it turns out Zhong Han has become quite the entrepreneur: she has started her own fried ice cream stand! Facebook stalker extraordinaire Patrick McNally actually informed me before Han Han did with this exceptional message: “how do you feel about being the ex-boyfriend of one of shanghai’s leading fried ice cream vendors? you really missed the boat on that one. “ If she’ll produce a competent business plan, I’d actually consider investing in her product: not to receive a potential cash windfall (though that would be nice), but to receive a constant stream of hilarious, business-related messages. Contractually I would stipulate that Zhong Han has to email me a certain number of times a month. And when her business inevitably goes bankrupt, it will totally have been worth it for the amount of joy it will have brought to me and readers of the brog everywhere.

Zhong Han Tries Her Hand At Poetry!

“Its ur fault (that Zhong Han loves me). Coz u r too lovely. Ur ass is too cute. Ur little brother is too strong. Ur bear is too attractive. Ur kiss is too sweet. Ur black forest is too dark. Ur farts is too loud. Ur unwashed underwear is too smelly. Ur room is too mess…ur smile is too horney. I love ur everything which made me hard to forget.”

How eloquent! It’s almost reminiscent of James Joyce. If he had a lobotomy.

Hey, SOS, Gullible Is Written On The Ceiling!

I got an email entitled “I very want find my love” in my spam box the other day. I was convinced that Zhong Han was behind this and had just changed her email address until I got to the very bottom. For your enjoyment:

Sweetheart, if suddenly the Sun will stop shining, you will keep me warm!
If suddenly the Starts will hide behind the Moon, you will still give me so
much romance, which I never dreamt could be. If the Seas and Oceans will
overflow, we will sail away together. If our Earth will dry out and there
will be no single drop left, we will kill our thirst with our Love to each
other. Dear, the Sun and Stars and the Oceans are smiling only to us.
If we will be together:. No, WHEN we will be together, none of disasters
will separate us. Because two of us will be the strongest power ever known.
I want to fall in love with you and have a family. I want to love life and
everything around, I want to hear words of love and I dream that I could
make you and us happy. Write to me to http://myrussbride.info/?idAff=182 and don’t waste
our opportunity to be happy, dear.

Now, the rest of you are all like, uh, duh that was from a Russian bride website, but considering I’ve received multiple text messages that compared “our love” to the following things: the sun, the sea, the wind, and even allusions to the metaphysical, this would be completely IN the ordinary. Also, in light of this quote, you’ll understand my sneaking suspicion.

“Sorry, I cannt control my own emotion, I know its just my own imagination. Nothing will happen but I still love u, like the mice loves rice. cannt forget anything. I accept it. But u r in my heart already. No body can come in. U r full of my heart. No space for others.”

The Text Message Deception

First, a little back story. My first girlfriend in China was named Wang Xia (yes, I’ve had a girlfriend named Wang, and, no, she didn’t have one, and, also, no, she was probably not a hooker). She did not speak English and I roved her very much Well, Wang Zhao Xia had to go get an arranged marriage over Chinese New Year, so that ended. Booo! Well my next girlfriend, Zhong “Dennis Rodman” Han (The best rebounder of our generation) knew I was still in love/borderline obsessed with Wang. Boy, did I love Wang. Matter of fact, I still love Wang. The taste of Wang in my mouth…unforgettable. So, Zhong Han would always steal my phone and check my call lists and text messages to see if I’d been arranging any clandestine trysts. See, I tend to be a relatively private person (yet I’m making all this public on my brog, one hypocrite point for me!), so this REALLY pissed me off. I would repeatedly tell her not to spy on me, yet she continued to do so. So, I killed her. No, not really. But Ale came up with a superduper double secret devious plan to teach Ms. Zhong a lesson. We changed Ale’s name in my phone to the Chinese characters for Wang Xia, and he proceeded to send a barrage of text messages. They ranged from the mundane (“I miss you fat bear”) to the interesting (“I want your little emperor in my palace”) and from the practical (“If you give me a green card, I’ll love you forever”) to the absurd (“make me a woman sex machine!”). Now, this is particularly funny, because Wang Xia’s English was limited to “fat bear,” “pigger,” and “Merry Christmas.” (Bear in mind that Zhong Han was indisputably cognizant of this fact). So, Ale and I are in hysterics as he keeps these text messages filing in. Then, I conspicuously place my phone on the coffee table. Lo and Behold, ten minutes later Zhong Han walks in and makes an immediate beeline for my phone, as Jand and I are ostensibly watching the Wire, although we’re really just anticipating Ms. Zhong’s reaction. Ale and I immediately succumbed to a paroxysm of laughter. Well, Zhong Han is a complete moron and the epitome of gullible. Completely forgetting that Wang’s English is nonexistent and has no grasp whatsoever of American colloquialisms, Zhong Han breaks down. I felt badly, but Ale only laughed harder. As I’m trying to explain to Zhong Han that this was all just a clever ruse, Ale sends me another text message about wanting to be my “secret luvaa.” Han-Han starts sobbing. Eventually I make Ale phone me to prove to Zhong Han it was merely a joke. She says that I’m mean, I say that she’s dumb, and we maintained the façade for another two months. And now you know another facet of the least successful relationship in my life. And I dated Sarah Gillio three times. Oh, snap!